Some mothers still find themselves striving for unattainable standards, and an expert shares 12 common traits of perfectionism they share - and how to begin navigating the need to be a flawless mother.
There's so many ways motherhood can make women feel they're 'not enough', usually starting before their child is even born. Elective c-sections still have huge stigma attached, and how to breastfeed is usually the only method of feeding discussed in antenatal classes - although nobody is disputing the benefits of breastfeeding, it would be helpful for bottle feeding to be addressed in an informative way for those who choose it or find breastfeeding doesn't work out.
It's then totally unsurprising that when the baby arrives, the pressure to be a flawless mother in every way can creep into a woman's child-rearing narrative - made even more difficult by getting to grips with matrescence, or the process of adapting to motherhood. An expert has now identified 12 traits commonly found in those who do strive for perfection. It can feel like there's a persistent voice telling women to provide hectic social calendars for their babies, and provide stimulating yet calming environments. Don't forget the societal expectations to be present and reactive 24 hours a day, and to achieve pre-baby weight immediately - there's no wonder mums drowning in all of this end up with a collection of similar traits.
Zoe Blaskey, a transformational coach and founder of Motherkind, is the expert behind identifying the 12 shared traits of motherhood perfectionists - she also addresses how to begin overcoming the pressure to be perfect, addressing these topics in detail in her upcoming book also named Motherkind (out on August 15 and available to pre-order.) Here's what Zoe has to say about the traits she's identified:
12 traits of perfection in motherhood
- Holding yourself to unrealistic standards. You set yourself up to aim for perfection, but these are actually unrealistic and unachievable expectations.
- Fear of getting things 'wrong.' A deep fear of making a mistake, or not living up to your own expectations.
- A need for external validation. Trying constantly to achieve perfection means you'll feel an intense need for external validation that you're getting it right.
- Finding it hard to ask for help. Asking for help would mean admitting to being 'imperfect' and you'll probably believe others would get things wrong anyway.
- Being too hard on yourself. Self-criticism and doubt run rampant in your head when you're always trying to be perfect.
- High levels of stress and anxiety. The pressure to meet such high standards is overwhelming.
- Poor self-esteem. You don't value yourself, thinking there's always something more you could be doing.
- You never celebrate yourself. The need to be perfect means you don't feel any of your achievements are worth celebrating because they aren't enough.
- Decision making is difficult. Deliberating over the most 'perfect' outcome of any decision leads to procrastination and delayed decision making in case you get it 'wrong.'
- You don't trust yourself. Similar to feeling the need for external validation, you need others to confirm you've made the 'right' decision.
- You hold others to your high standards. There's a tendency to be critical of those around you, and a belief they're aren't attaining the same standards as you.
- Having a perfect front. You'll always maintain a perfect outward persona, no matter how badly things are going, or if you feel you could fall apart.
Although Zoe Blaskey expands on these traits and how to be kinder to yourself in her upcoming book, she has spoken about this subject on her Instagram page. She recently wrote "Perfectionism isn’t about BEING perfect, it’s about trying to 'be', adding "perfectionism isn’t a personality trait, it’s a set of behaviours we learned in childhood, often from the environment we grew up in - where we learned that nothing was ever enough. You had to constantly do MORE."
She goes on to say "When we take this into motherhood it’s extremely challenging - and burnout becomes high with perfectionist mothers because the pressure is too much."
The transformational coach recommends two initial steps women can take to break the cycle of striving for perfection, stressing the importance of not passing on a similar need to be a flawless parent to our children. She suggests:
1. The first step to break this pattern is to notice what you ARE doing. Focus on where you’re already doing enough.
2. Every day write down 10 things that you did well that day - it sounds simple but it’s the first step in breaking the “it’s never enough” cycle.
Speaking to us previously about how to embrace and survive motherhood, psychotherapist Anna Mathur has some good advice. She says "The next time you don’t feel ‘good enough’, question whether it’s because you need to try harder, or because the bar of your standards is sitting out of your reach. We need a margin for humanness in the standards we place for ourselves, or the standards we accept as the norm."
She adds "How can you lower that bar to take your circumstances and resources into account? We are created to lean on one another. We humans are designed for community, but these days we so often feel like to lean on, depend on, or need others is seen as failure.
Let me tell you this… If vulnerability was a weakness, it wouldn’t be so challenging. Leaning on others and recognising where you have met your limits is both strength and bravery." We couldn't agree more with both Zoe and Anna, and agree something needs to be done to support women through the difficulties of unrealistic expectations.
For more, there's common myths of motherhood that need to be broken down. Very few aspects of being a mum are easy, and some juggling the 'shiftwork' of motherhood an ongoing battle, which often leads to parenting burnout.
