Rose Bowl Week has arrived in Southern California and while all college football fans know how important the game itself is to the sport — especially this year when it’s a semifinal in the College Football Playoff — many casual fans may not be aware that the Rose Bowl is accompanied by truly absurd amounts of pomp and ceremony.
There’s the Tournament of Roses, the Rose Parade, and numerous other events that happen in the week leading up to the game, including an annual visit by the two participating teams to the “Happiest Place On Earth”, Disneyland.
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Alabama head coach Nick Saban enjoys many things: football, coaching football, eating the same salad for lunch everyday, recruiting football players, watching the Weather Channel. That’s pretty much the list.
What Nick Saban does not typically enjoy is any kind of flight of fancy that distracts you from your real life, which is essentially the entire premise of Disneyland. As both a long-time Disney theme park enthusiast and Nick Saban scholar, I decided to rank the Disneyland rides I think Saban would find least tolerable.
*Note: I did decide to include Disney’s California Adventure in this list as it is what Nick Saban would consider a reasonable walking distance from Disneyland.
12
Radiator Springs Racers
We know that Nick Saban loves cars and while he would find it absurd that the vehicles from the Cars movies talk and have eyes, it would spark some joy for him and perhaps even nostalgia. He would spend most of the ride regaling the person seated next to him with stories about how his father taught him about the value of having high standards by making him wash cars at his West Virginia service station. A single tear forms in Saban’s eye. Is it from the the wind rushing in his face or from the sting of nostalgia? We can’t truly know.
11
Mr. Toad's Wild Ride
Another automotive-based attraction, this ride would be somewhat tolerable to Saban because of the ride vehicle, but also because it takes the form of a cautionary tale.
In the ride, you take on the perspective of Mr. Toad, a man who has been irresponsible with his gifts and drives drunk through a cartoon town, ultimately running into a train and going to Hell. Saban would insist his entire team go on this ride and think about what they’ve learned.
10
Millennium Falcon: Smuggler's Run
The entire Star Wars-themed Galaxy’s Edge area of Disneyland would be somewhat of a nightmare for Saban, filled with fantastical creatures, made-up words and even fake food like blue milk. What Saban would enjoy, however, is the cooperative teamwork structure built into Smuggler’s Run. No one person alone can complete the mission, but with communication and teamwork, you can all make the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs.
As a side note, Jim Harbaugh is 100% drinking the blue milk.
9
Toy Story Midway Mania
I’m not going to make a joke here about being shrunken down to the size of a toy because that’s too easy and this is a very serious piece of journalism.
Saban would enjoy the competitive nature of this ride, one of the few in Disneyland that actually keeps score as you ride. I’m not sure he would take as much enjoyment from seeing Woody and the gang equally encouraging all players, regardless of their performance.
8
It's a Small World
Pros for Saban: This is a celebration of diversity and it’s on a boat.
Cons for Saban: Literally everything else about this ride.
7
Grizzly River Run
One of the few non-football things Nick Saban has admitted to enjoying is driving his boat around the lake and pulling people, particularly football players, behind him in a large inflatable raft. It’s important to note though that Saban himself is never seen in the raft and that’s what would make this river rapid raft ride particularly triggering for the Crimson Tide head coach.
6
The Haunted Mansion
This ride would be particularly disturbing to Saban, not because of the macabre, supernatural elements but because it’s a ride through pure, uncontrolled chaos. There’s no leadership in the Haunted Mansion. Everyone is doing their own thing with no coordination from room to room. An absolute nightmare.
5
Pirates of the Caribbean
This is exactly the same as Haunted Mansion except it’s in a boat and Johnny Depp is there.
4
Space Mountain
Flying ahead at full speed in complete darkness, no ability to plan or think critically, ruled by extreme emotions. Space Mountain is the embodiment of Nick Saban’s deepest fears, his most tortured nightmares.
3
Incredicoaster
I don’t know that the ride itself would be all that objectionable to Nick Saban but I think he would find the premise of the Incredibles particularly distasteful. It’s a story about a family born with elite talent who don’t do anything to earn it.
Dash would be a huge problem in the locker room.
2
Dumbo the Flying Elephant
Repeating the same pattern over and over again, no improvement, no learning, no growth. Every time you take flight, you end up right back where you started, having learned nothing. What a waste.
1
Star Wars: Rise of the Resistance
The key moment of this experience happens before the actual ride itself even begins. After being captured by the Galactic Empire, riders are funneled into a hallway where they are yelled at by an imperial officer before being sent to their prison cells for questioning. Saban would absolutely hate being yelled at by a Disney cast member. It would trigger something deep within him.
