Parenting without having hot flushes, insomnia and mood swings is challenging enough, so when you mix in the menopause, life can start to feel quite difficult.
As couples have children later in life it means many more women are bringing up young children while also experiencing perimenopause and menopause symptoms. Perimenopause will begin at different ages for different women, but usually around the late 30s to early 40s. Symptoms will vary in their severity, but they can obviously have an impact on your work, relationship and of course, children.
Symptoms of menopause include:
- Brain fog
- Insomnia
- Mood swings
- Anxiety
- Weight gain
- Hot flushes
- Reduced sex drive
We’ve spoken to some medical experts about how to talk about menopause with your children and to help them understand what you’re going through and why.
1. Acknowledge your symptoms
Mood swings, anxiety and stress can all be symptoms of menopause and there’s no doubt there will be moments when your family notices these changes. GP Dr Deepali Misra-Sharp says it’s best to talk to your children about what you’re experiencing. She says if you have small children you could say something like “Mummy’s body is changing because I’m getting older. Sometimes it might make me feel tired or upset, but I’m okay”. She advises trying to keep it light and explain to them that it’s nothing to worry about.
If you have older children or teenagers you can be more detailed and encourage them to ask questions, while also reassuring them that you’re not ill. Dr Misra-Sharp suggests explaining it this way: “Menopause can make me feel a bit different at times, so if I’m more tired or forget things, that’s why. It’s temporary, but your patience helps a lot.”
Mum Emily Beckloff says being open with her teenagers really helped when she was struggling with the symptoms: “They've been really understanding and patient, even though they get frustrated listening to me repeat myself. In between moments of exasperation, we’ve had some good laughs about my hot flashes, ridiculous choice of words (because I can’t remember the word I’m looking for), and my obsession with having a portable fan in every corner of the house!”
2. Prioritise self-care
Menopause is a huge mental and physical challenge for women and juggling this with family responsibilties and your career can make you feel even more stressed out. Taking time away from everyone, and everything, to do the things you enjoy and get some headspace away from being a mum will make you feel more positive. It will also give you the opportunity to think about what might need to change, or who you might need to ask for help from, during this stage.
Lucy Baker, who is 48 and has three children aged 14, 11 and five, says: “I have always carved out time for myself in the way of self-care and the biggest change for me has been the need and desire to exercise. Many years ago, I tried exercise but never stuck at anything for more than 5 minutes and my intentions were all wrong - I wanted to look good, etc. These days I exercise because my body needs it, I want to feel strong and it makes me feel good! I am in better shape at 48 than I have even been as a result of going to the gym 3/4 times a week.”
Dr Misra-Sharp says self-care can be anything from yoga, to going to bed early or changing your diet to make sure you’re getting the right vitamins and minerals.
3. Do less
Just say no. If you’re exhausted and not feeling yourself then don’t feel under pressure to go to that party or school event. Mum and menopause trainer and therapist Louisa Hussey says: “We as working mums are knackered from trying to do everything, and society dictates we must. However, I reject all of that - take something off your plate, cross off half of your to-do list and take time away from everyone regularly!”
Hussey says: “I regularly tell my husband I need to have more fun, and be on my own or with friends more. Parenting can be a lot of drudgery - tidying, cleaning, cooking etc. so I make good decisions about whether it actually needs doing, or if it can wait.”
4. Keep communication open
Many women who are going through menopause now will remember when their mums went through it too. However, for many of us it might have been brushed under the carpet or a confusing time of not really knowing what was happening.
Menopause specialist Dr Louise Newson says decades ago menopause was something of a “taboo subject”. “There are a few reasons for this. Firstly, menopause has been associated with aging, and societal attitudes towards aging, especially for women, were more negative than they are today. It was seen as a decline or loss of femininity, so many women didn’t want to draw attention to it. There was also limited understanding of the biological processes behind menopause, both within families and the medical community, leaving women to endure symptoms without adequate support,” she explains.
Thankfully, life is very different now and menopause is spoken about much more openly, thanks to campaigns by high profile celebrities like Davina McCall and others. Dr Newson says it’s “important to break the cycle of silence for future generations, ensuring our daughters and sons are better prepared to deal with menopause when the time comes, either for themselves or their loved ones”.
Speaking to your friends, family and work colleagues can help alleviate some of the isolation you might be feeling and open up conversations about the support you need.
5. Seek support
As we’ve said above, speaking to your family about the changes your body is going through will mean they can help you. This could be with tasks around the house, giving you space when you need it or helping you seek medical advice. Dr Newson says talking to your children is a “great way to teach them responsibility and empathy”.
If you’re really finding life at home and parenting hard, speak to your partner about how they can help. Parenting expert Kirsty Ketley says: “It’s vital that your partner understands exactly how you are feeling and backs you up when things are particularly tricky - takes over some of your responsibilities, explains to the kids that you need space etc. Seeing your partner showing empathy will rub off on the kids.”
Out of the house, there is plenty of support out there, for both the physical and mental symptoms you’re experiencing. Dr Misra-Sharp says HRT (hormone replacement therapy) can “alleviate many menopausal symptoms by supplementing the body with hormones it is no longer producing in sufficient amounts, primarily estrogen and sometimes progesterone”.
Speak to your GP about the best options for you and your body. You can also seek advice from charities and organisations such as The Menopause Charity.
Mum of three Sarah Shah, who started having menopausal symptoms when she was 36, says: “Don’t do it alone! Find your tribe. There is support out there - Facebook groups, coffee meet ups etc. You need support and community.”
6. Focus on family time
Spending time with the people who love you most and know you best is a very good tonic if you’re feeling a bit wobbly or anxious. Dr Newson says you don’t have to do big activities together and that watching a film, going for a walk or chatting can all help if you’re dealing with tricky symptoms.
Going through the menopause will have an impact on everyone in your household and you might feel like your children have borne the brunt of your forgetfulness or mood swings. Taking time to be with them and make a fuss of them will make everyone feel close and supported.
7. Stay active together
As we’ve said above, spending time with your children and having fun can be a great distraction from your symptoms. Physical activity will help with your mood swings and keeping your bones and muscles strong is important in menopause when your risk of osteoporosis rises. Whatever age your children are, fresh air, exercise and fun will release endorphins to make you all feel good. Try going swimming, on a bike ride or even embark on a new hobby. If you schedule it in for the same time each week it gives you all something to look forward to and also makes it harder to pull out of if you’re not feeling up for it.
8. Keep a sense of humour
Brain fog and forgetfulness is one of the most common symptoms of menopause and while it’s incredibly frustrating, some of the mums we spoke to said it’s worth trying to see the funny side. Baker says she can now look back on times when she has acted similarly to her pubescent teenager and slammed doors and stormed out of the house with a sense of humour.
Beckloff, who runs a Christmas business called International Elf Service, says: “In the early days the teens felt on occasion that me repeating myself was me nagging them, but I think they’ve now taken on board that it isn’t - I just don’t remember that I mentioned whatever it was already. Now they say ‘you said that already’. I apologise for repeating myself and we move on!”
9. Manage your fatigue and brain fog
It can be really upsetting when you can’t trust your brain to retain information or remember things like dates or appointments, especially when it affects your family life. Dr Misra-Sharp has some tips for easing these symptoms:
- Make lists and set reminders - Use phone apps or a physical planner to keep track of tasks and appointments.
- Focus on one thing at a time - Multi-tasking can increase brain fog. Try breaking tasks into smaller steps and tackle them one by one.
- Get regular exercise - Physical activity boosts blood flow to the brain and can help with mental clarity.
- Eat brain-healthy foods - Include more omega-3-rich foods, leafy greens, and berries to support cognitive function.
10. Stay positive
For many women, going through menopause will be one of the toughest phases of their lives. We’ve outlined above how you can look after your mental health by sharing your struggles, seeking support and finding distractions through exercise, family activities or hobbies. Why not view menopause as a time for a fresh start and freedom from the decades of monthly periods?
HRT can also be very effective at helping with low mood and a lack of interest in activities. However, if you suspect you might be depressed, speak to your doctor who will be able to offer treatments such as talking therapy like CBT or antidepressants. You can also seek advice through The Menopause Charity or Menopause Matters.
