From a mechanical point of view, relationships are like cars — they require regular maintenance to keep running smoothly and the occasional overhaul when unforeseen issues arise. Without proper care, they'll gradually deteriorate and break down.
Sometimes, the damage can be so bad, the whole thing becomes irreparable. Interested in how people end up in such situations, Reddit user Thinkinginkling asked everyone on the platform to describe the moment they realized there was no more future with their partner.
Continue scrolling to find the most heartbreaking and infuriating stories from the discussion, and don't miss the talk we had with board-certified clinical psychologist Dr. Cortney S. Warren.
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To find out more about relationship warning signs, we contacted author, researcher, and speaker Dr. Cortney S. Warren. She's a Harvard-trained, California-based board-certified clinical psychologist and Adjunct Professor of Psychiatry at the UNLV School of Medicine, and has noticed that some of the most common red flags are:
Irreconcilable differences. "When two people fundamentally want different things in a relationship and realize it—that there is no compromise on either side—it often signifies that the relationship will end," Warren, who has recently released her new book, Letting Go of Your Ex, told Bored Panda.
"For example, one person wants children and the other doesn’t; one person wants to live in their hometown while the other insists on a different, larger city; or one person wants monogamy while the other wants an open relationship."
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The interest/love is gone (for one or both partners). According to Warren, when someone starts to feel indifferent towards their significant other—as if whether they are there or not is sort of irrelevant—it’s a sign that the relationship is going downhill.
Wandering eye for other partners. "Often when a relationship is coming to an end, people start looking at other people as potential mates or sexual partners. It can be a sign that they are trying to see if other potential mates are available," the psychologist added.
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Lack of effort to connect. "A lack of effort to spend time together is a definite red flag. When a person starts to realize that they don’t really want to be around their mate, it becomes clear in their behavior. For example, not making plans, not communicating well, or even avoiding their partner."
Hostility or anger. Warren said that sometimes the end of a relationship is seen in an escalation of negative emotion — being angry and generally dissatisfied with a mate can make people want to leave.
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There's no universal solution to getting over a breakup. What works for one person might not for another. So Warren recommends a few specific things if you’re really struggling:
Pause and try not to act impulsively. "If you’re trying to heal ... and feel stuck on your ex—pining over them, focused on what they’re doing, wishing you could talk or understand what happened—you’re probably feeling really bad emotionally," she noted. "This makes you more likely to want to contact your ex. In the long run, this is going to make it harder for you to move on. So, when you want to reach out, pause. Stop acting and notice your feelings without reaching out to your ex."
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Focus on yourself. Although it may seem like going through a breakup is a purely negative experience, it is the perfect time to understand yourself more deeply. "When it comes to relationships, this means focusing on how we contributed to the relationship starting, existing, and ending. Exploring what you want next and taking steps to heal yourself is your top priority now."
Take space from your ex. The psychologist highlighted that setting healthy boundaries around your ex is key to moving on. "It’s often very helpful for people not to have any contact with their ex for a while after a breakup, as well as stopping yourself from getting information about what they’re doing now through mutual friends or on social media (for example, who they’re dating now, what they’re doing, etc)," Warren added.
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Stop having sex with your ex—and maybe even other partners. Warren said that sex is a very complicated topic when it comes to breakups. If you are in love with someone, it's generally connected to some emotion and the expression of love for another person but, for many people, sex has nothing to do with love—it's tied to getting an orgasm, feeling powerful, or being desired. So "if you’re trying to move on from your ex, sleeping with them, touching them, being sexual with them will make it harder to let go. And, even having sex with a new partner can be very triggering if you’re struggling to move on because it may be a psychological reminder of your breakup as well as a neurobiological high that re-activates your connection to your ex."
Increase your self-care. It may seem simple, but focusing on getting enough sleep, eating healthy food, exercising, and taking good care of your physical health is key during these difficult times.
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Increase your social support. This is a time when reaching out to trusted friends and family can play a huge role in recovery. Warren added that joining a support group like Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous or Codependents Anonymous can also prove to be very helpful.
Be careful with your behavior. "Don't act in ways that ultimately harm you more—like drinking a lot, using drugs to distract yourself, or acting in spiteful/angry ways towards your ex. Strive to act in ways that help you and don’t hurt you over time," the psychologist said.
"If you’re going through a tough breakup, remember that you’re not alone. Almost all of us will go through a very difficult one at some point in our lives," she noted. There are many therapeutic skills that you can learn to help you let go of your ex and create the next great phase of your life, many of which are described in detail with activities for people to practice in my new book, Letting Go of Your Ex."
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