From a mechanical point of view, relationships are like cars — they require regular maintenance to keep running smoothly and the occasional overhaul when unforeseen issues arise. Without proper care, they'll gradually deteriorate and break down.
Sometimes, the damage can be so bad, the whole thing becomes irreparable. Interested in how people end up in such situations, Reddit user Thinkinginkling asked everyone on the platform to describe the moment they realized there was no more future with their partner.
Continue scrolling to find the most heartbreaking and infuriating stories from the discussion, and don't miss the talk we had with board-certified clinical psychologist Dr. Cortney S. Warren.
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To find out more about relationship warning signs, we contacted author, researcher, and speaker Dr. Cortney S. Warren. She's a Harvard-trained, California-based board-certified clinical psychologist and Adjunct Professor of Psychiatry at the UNLV School of Medicine, and has noticed that some of the most common red flags are:
Irreconcilable differences. "When two people fundamentally want different things in a relationship and realize it—that there is no compromise on either side—it often signifies that the relationship will end," Warren, who has recently released her new book, Letting Go of Your Ex, told Bored Panda.
"For example, one person wants children and the other doesn’t; one person wants to live in their hometown while the other insists on a different, larger city; or one person wants monogamy while the other wants an open relationship."
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The interest/love is gone (for one or both partners). According to Warren, when someone starts to feel indifferent towards their significant other—as if whether they are there or not is sort of irrelevant—it’s a sign that the relationship is going downhill.
Wandering eye for other partners. "Often when a relationship is coming to an end, people start looking at other people as potential mates or sexual partners. It can be a sign that they are trying to see if other potential mates are available," the psychologist added.
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Lack of effort to connect. "A lack of effort to spend time together is a definite red flag. When a person starts to realize that they don’t really want to be around their mate, it becomes clear in their behavior. For example, not making plans, not communicating well, or even avoiding their partner."
Hostility or anger. Warren said that sometimes the end of a relationship is seen in an escalation of negative emotion — being angry and generally dissatisfied with a mate can make people want to leave.
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There's no universal solution to getting over a breakup. What works for one person might not for another. So Warren recommends a few specific things if you’re really struggling:
Pause and try not to act impulsively. "If you’re trying to heal ... and feel stuck on your ex—pining over them, focused on what they’re doing, wishing you could talk or understand what happened—you’re probably feeling really bad emotionally," she noted. "This makes you more likely to want to contact your ex. In the long run, this is going to make it harder for you to move on. So, when you want to reach out, pause. Stop acting and notice your feelings without reaching out to your ex."
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Focus on yourself. Although it may seem like going through a breakup is a purely negative experience, it is the perfect time to understand yourself more deeply. "When it comes to relationships, this means focusing on how we contributed to the relationship starting, existing, and ending. Exploring what you want next and taking steps to heal yourself is your top priority now."
Take space from your ex. The psychologist highlighted that setting healthy boundaries around your ex is key to moving on. "It’s often very helpful for people not to have any contact with their ex for a while after a breakup, as well as stopping yourself from getting information about what they’re doing now through mutual friends or on social media (for example, who they’re dating now, what they’re doing, etc)," Warren added.
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Stop having sex with your ex—and maybe even other partners. Warren said that sex is a very complicated topic when it comes to breakups. If you are in love with someone, it's generally connected to some emotion and the expression of love for another person but, for many people, sex has nothing to do with love—it's tied to getting an orgasm, feeling powerful, or being desired. So "if you’re trying to move on from your ex, sleeping with them, touching them, being sexual with them will make it harder to let go. And, even having sex with a new partner can be very triggering if you’re struggling to move on because it may be a psychological reminder of your breakup as well as a neurobiological high that re-activates your connection to your ex."
Increase your self-care. It may seem simple, but focusing on getting enough sleep, eating healthy food, exercising, and taking good care of your physical health is key during these difficult times.
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Increase your social support. This is a time when reaching out to trusted friends and family can play a huge role in recovery. Warren added that joining a support group like Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous or Codependents Anonymous can also prove to be very helpful.
Be careful with your behavior. "Don't act in ways that ultimately harm you more—like drinking a lot, using drugs to distract yourself, or acting in spiteful/angry ways towards your ex. Strive to act in ways that help you and don’t hurt you over time," the psychologist said.
"If you’re going through a tough breakup, remember that you’re not alone. Almost all of us will go through a very difficult one at some point in our lives," she noted. There are many therapeutic skills that you can learn to help you let go of your ex and create the next great phase of your life, many of which are described in detail with activities for people to practice in my new book, Letting Go of Your Ex."
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He picked up my cat and threw him across the room because he laid on me...he was jealous of the damn cat.Man I just wanted to sleep. He wouldn't f*****g let me.
He'd always been controlling, and I put up with it for way too long.
One morning as he was berating me for wanting to sleep after working third shift, I realized that this was going to be my life if I didn't bail: working my a*s off at work, and running the household at home, all while being treated like s**t for wanting/needing help.
Once he realized I was serious, he changed his tune but it was just way too little, way too late.While I was finishing up engineering school, he said to me “As long as I make more money, I don’t have to contribute as much to cooking and cleaning—my contribution is set”. Considering he was an established engineer for Ford, and we had been dating for 4 years, I realized that I would rather not be his house slave on a journey to catch up.The last ex was a nice enough guy. We were long distance, 1 state away. So he'd come spend the weekend with me once or twice a month.
The last he visited we had the discovery Channel on and it was some show about dinosaurs. He laughed at one point and said "yeah right the earth is only 4000ys old."
That's when it clicked, his family were born again Christians. The dinosaurs are a devil hoax and earth is 4k years old type. I knew instantly it wouldn't work. I cannot be with a science denier.I have an extreme level of loyalty and commitment, sometimes to my own detriment, so I've never reached that moment, despite tonnes of red flags and things I would have loved to walk away from. My ex-fiancé just broke up with me a couple weeks ago after 10 years together, and it came as a massive shock but I'm feeling so much better now. No more 3-day-old curry breath, no more bowls full of mouldy milk left upstairs for a week, no more teenage boy behaviour from a 30-year-old man, no more feeling lonely while he spends every waking minute sitting upstairs away from me, no more awful sex that lacks basic stamina... yeah, I'm done lmao.
Since we broke up I've started taking much better care of myself. Tending to my personal care more efficiently because I'm no longer depressed, eating better (I've lost 7lbs so far), moving/exercising more, my skin condition has just GONE, I'm laughing more, and generally feeling like I've got a fricking future again. I feel awesome.The final straw was:
Me: “I need emotional support”
Him “Can’t you get that from your friends?”.He asked if I would be his "plan B".
BTW, mad props to Alicia for being the girl he was going to cheat on me with if she'd given him the chance. You are the reason we had the conversation that produced this revelation. I have no idea who you are, I've never seen you, I've never met you. But you saved me. You opened my eyes. Thank you, and thank you even more for snubbing him like the creep that he is lmao.We were on vacation and on our way to get our luggage when they turned to me and said “I'm glad we’re together but damn I bet I'd be just as happy to be with some of the other women around here.”
I didn't reply and I'd be debating whether to break up anyway but that was the final straw. I still remember their face looking around while saying that.Found d**k pics on his phone he'd sent to some woman on Twitter, then a dm conversation with a sex worker making an appt to see her. He'd also been having an emotional affair with someone he'd met online while I was going through cancer treatments. I was just done.For example, the last boyfriend i had would neglect me, never do anything for me, blow me off for other people, and sometimes even insult me. but if im honest the thing that really turned it around for me was that he left a dove chocolate wrapper on my floor (when he came to visit me for the first time in weeks). idk why that was the turning point for me. i just had a vision of cleaning up his messes for the rest of time and even though i didn’t break up with him then it definitely set me on that path lmao. that little blue wrapper sitting on my nice clean carpet…i just can’t.She voted for brexit.He wouldn’t dance with me.
Obviously there were other issues going on, but when he wouldn’t dance with me at a party put on by his friends…it was a silly fun party, with a silly theme, and 70s music, my FAVORITE. He wouldn’t agree to even try to dance to even one song. Just stood or sat by a wall, on his phone from time to time. I just knew I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life dancing alone because my partner wouldn’t dance with me.When I found out my mom had lung cancer and she didn’t want me to fly home for the surgery because my business was too young and she didn’t want me gone for two weeks.
I flew home anyway. Mom is doing great now and the business is flourishing.He didn’t like that I was my own person with my own thoughts, feelings, likes and dislikes. He tried to made me into a copy of himself. In the end I dreaded going to his place. Then I knew it was time for us to go seperate ways.I was on the fence about our future already but then as we were leaving a restaurant he went on about how the waitress was so disrespectful and rude to him and because of that he was seething mad and didn't want me to talk to him for a bit. I was baffled bc the waitress wasn't rude. Then after a bit it hit me. I paid so the waitress was talking to me and not him and apparently he felt ignored. But his reaction was sooooo disproportionate to the situation and I felt really uncomfortable with how he spoke about her so that was my moment.I was throwing up and he ignored me while watching sports in his phone.She broke up with me, then as I brought her stuff to her, she said I'm mad for thinking she meant it.
So I ended it.The breaking point for me was when he has a literal hissy fit like a child in a convenience store because he thought the cashier was favoring the rich townies before him because he looked poor. He threw his bag of chips on the counter and stormed out of the store. I apologized to the clerk and ran after him. I had to talk to him like his mother and tell him that Im not dealing with this kind of behavior and he will go back into the store to buy his stupid snacks because I don’t want to hear about it for the rest of the day. I was literally so embarrassed to be around him after that.Multiple cheating that I tried to deal with. Should have left the first time. Then one night when we were going to bed he was on the furthest side of the bed almost up in the corner - a grown man as far away as he could be on a queen mattress so he wouldn’t be near me. He said he wasn’t happy and wasn’t attracted to me. I said this is enough and went the next day and got the divorce papers. It’s been 10 years and I’m still single.He basically told me there was no point in me pursuing a career because all women should be stay at home moms, and that's what he wants for his children. We were both 19, had only been dating like 2 months, and hadn't even kissed yet. I've also never had any interest in having or raising kids, which I had already told him, but I guess he didn't find my opinion on the matter to be important.When I found out he hacked my email. Did you know that through your gmail account you can access literally everything? Like Google maps history and Google history? I didn’t until that day.
I had absolutely nothing to hide. But found out he had been literally stalking my every move and location for months. I felt so completely violated.He cheated on me with his ex and then told his mom that I kicked him out and made him sleep on the street because he “made a mistake.” I didn’t. I chose to leave and stay with a friend. I woke up the next morning to 100 messages from her telling me what a piece of s**t I am for making her baby boy sleep outside over a mistake.
He also stole my Xanax and then blamed me for leaving my lockbox open. I also didn’t do that, but the fact that I had to keep them locked up in the first place was lost on him. Was single for years after that.Not my last relationship, but my first serious relationship.
It was our one year anniversary. He brought his dad.Went out for a night to myself for once. My ex husband said that if I didn’t come home (I’d only been out an hour at that point) that he would go to every bar in the area to hunt me down and “bring me home”.We went to a concert and in that moment I realized something was wrong. I shouldn’t be here with him. I loved the band, but wasn’t excited because of who I was there with. It made me realize that something wasn’t right. I know this sounds weird, but it opened my eyes. I slowly began to realize that nothing in our relationship excited me or made me happy anymore.I was very happily in love, and was confident we could work through anything until he said, “sometimes I wish you were skinnier.” That broke me as I am very self conscious about my weight.We were long distance. He slept over, and was leaving the next day. I get home. Bed is unmade. Tags from the new shirt he left on the floor.
I don't think he was expecting me to have standards for men. He was used to doing the least he could do to get by. I also don't think he expected it to be over like that.I wasn’t a priority.I was pregnant and he was really not wanting to work. He finally got a job and worked for three hours before coming home and telling me the job really wasn't "for him." I knew he was never gonna help support the baby or myself and I wouldn't be able to take any time off work after having the kid. Left him like two weeks later at 9 weeks pregnant
Edit: he also didn't help around the house at all, didn't cook or clean. Literally just played video games all day long.The whole relationship was f****d up but this was the catalyst to end it.
I was two hours away in the city for a week for work, and I was busy from 5:30am until 9pm every day so I couldn’t constantly be messaging her. So she pretended to OD on pain pills so she could be sent to the big hospital in that particular city. I still remember receiving the “okay, you can visit me now ?” message. Like what the f**k. I’m away for a WEEK. Seven days! And I can’t leave work because I had no transport (we all rode to the complex in a van).
Unfortunately for her she was sent to a psych ward and I was able to tell the doctors that she was harassing me so she had her phone taken off her. So she borrowed another patient’s phone and started messaging me on that. After that I told the doctors the whole story and asked to be removed as her emergency contact. She managed to convince a receptionist that she needed to contact me and called me again from a hospital phone. I had to inform the doctors AGAIN and she must have had all phone privileges revoked after that.
When I was home and found out she’d been released I messaged her saying it was over. So she rode her moped an HOUR in the dark to come to my house and lied saying a friend had dropped her off and she had no way home so she had to stay (I live in the middle of nowhere). Then she assaulted me physically when I tried to leave the room to get my phone. I managed to throw her on the ground and went and called the cops. When she realised they were on the way she tried to take pills again so after they arrested her she didn’t even spend the night in the cells, she was sent to the hospital and monitored instead.
That was pretty much the last contact I had with her bar a few stalker moments and her constant messaging online. I arranged with her friend to drop all her s**t off in a public parking lot during the day and I never replied to her ever again. She had my phone number memorised and would text and call all the time, so I changed my number. I blocked every new account of hers that popped up. I remember that in one of her profile pics she had cut and dyed her hair to the exact same style as mine. She also sent me a request on a dating app with a picture of a celebrity who has the same first name as me, and the name of the dating profile was my cat’s name (he’s named after a Pokémon). It also had her star sign. By that stage I had a Protection Order against her and when I showed an officer the screenshot of the profile she was like “is this girl an idiot?” They must have warned her she was close to being arrested again because she stopped contacting me after that. But it took literal YEARS to get to that point.
The great takeaway from the whole thing is that she always dreamed of moving to Australia to work, but with a DV record she won’t even be allowed to enter the country to visit, let alone work.I used to tuck in my shirts all the time when I was younger cause I like it when my clothes are tight it makes me feel safe. We were chilling out on his trampoline and he just turns to me and goes “why do you always tuck your shirts in?” And without letting me answer he pinned me down, pulled all the layers I had on up, grabbed my breasts and layed on top of me so I couldn’t move. I was 16.He was abusive in every single way. Together 11 years….. the day he cheated on me I left. In my mind at the time, it was the only way I could get out without him blaming me…. He still did! I regret every day, not leaving him sooner!Relationship was on the rocks for about a year, had multiple fights and I considered seriously ending it three times before our final fight. He always wanted me under his thumb at all times so when he told me to leave, which he never allowed me to do during a fight, I took my cat and told him I’m done.A close family member had just died and he was complaining because he wanted sex. Apparently I was supposed to reward him because he offered to (insisted on) driving me to the funeral??I was unable to have a calm and mature conversation about our relationship, expectations, and future. I was shamed for my general curiosity about various subjects (they disliked that I have many interests and hobbies). Just felt uncomfortable and exhausted by their presence and behavior. My feelings for them naturally diminished, and I gave up.Not my last relationship, but the one before. He neglected me and always made it sound as if my expectations from him were unrealistic, or it would just be my fault I wasn't receiving attention. He also didn't respect me in bed. So the last straw was when I tried to start a fun conversation about foreplay. In short, he got extremely angry, saying he's always been trying to please me, and I should know what he wants without asking him. This time instead of crying myself to sleep, I slept soundly, knowing the guy was definitely addicted to p**n.He insisted on sleeping with a blanket that had a giant photo of Taylor Swift on it and would make me watch her concert documentaries almost every time we hung out.
There were also multiple women messaging me on social media telling me he was a creep and harassed them which was a major red flag for me.I had a panic attack and fainted (in a car in a mostly-empty parking lot) and he told me I was embarrassing him.We did shrooms and i was like holy s**t i actually hate this guy.After telling him that he needed to put in time and effort after we went long distance, he came back with..."I'll dedicate time to us when I move back, but not now".
