One of the chief pleasures of Succession is how the scripts are stuffed to the staples with quotable insults, savage putdowns and sick, sick burns. And no wonder. Showrunner Jesse Armstrong cut his teeth in comedy: he co-created cult sitcom Peep Show, and collaborated with Armando Iannucci on The Thick of It, with Chris Morris on Four Lions and with Charlie Brooker on Black Mirror. And now he oversees a writer’s room staffed by A-list playwrights and screenwriters. As a result, the volatile Roy family and their extended circle often seem to speak entirely in vicious verbal barbs. It’s profane poetry. It’s potty-mouthed music to viewers’ ears.
We’ve hand-picked 40 of our favourite lines. Let us know any we’ve missed in the comments section below. Drive your fucking whirlybird …
“Buckle up, fucklehead.”
Tom welcomes Greg to his bachelor party (season one, episode eight: Prague)“It was supposed to be choreographed. That was about as choreographed as a dog getting fucked on rollerskates.”
Logan to financial adviser Jamie Laird when a deal offer gets leaked (season two, episode three: Hunting)“She’s brought a ludicrously capacious bag. What’s even in there? Flat shoes for the subway? Her lunch pail? It’s monstrous. It’s gargantuan. You could take it camping. You could slide it across the floor after a bank job.”
Tom to cousin Greg when he dared bring “Bridget Randomfuck from the apps” to Logan’s birthday party (season four, episode one: The Munsters)“You can’t make a Tomlette without breaking some Gregs.”
The subject line Tom emailed to Greg 67 times in one evening (season two, episode nine: DC)“You don’t hear much about syphilis these days. Very much the Myspace of STDs.”
Tom on Sandy Furness’s health issues (season two, episode six: Argestes)“What is that? Date Rape by Calvin Klein?”
Shiv smells Roman during a sisterly hug (season one, episode one: Celebration)“You’re a clumsy interloper, no one trusts you and the only guy pulling for you is dead. Now you’re just married to the ex-boss’s daughter and she doesn’t even like you. You are fairly, squarely fucked.”
Karl when Tom “respectfully” threw his hat into the ring for interim CEO (season four, episode four: Honeymoon States)“You know who drinks milk? Kittens and perverts.”
Roman when Gerri suggests learning the price of a gallon of milk (season two, episode four: Safe Room)“The Logan Roy school of journalism. What’s next? The Jack the Ripper Women’s Health Clinic?”
Ewan’s dig at his brother Logan’s business (season two, episode eight: Dundee)“When you laugh, Romulus, do it at the same volume as everyone else. We didn’t get you from a hyena farm.”
Logan’s family pep talk before trying to woo the Pierces (season two, episode five: Tern Haven)“The man dying of thirst is suddenly a mineral water critic?”
Tom when Greg gets choosy about women (season three, episode eight: Chiantishire)“He looks like if Santa was a hitman. It’s like Jaws, if all the people in Jaws worked for Jaws.”
Greg on a sunglasses-wearing Logan prowling the ATN newsroom floor (season four, episode two: Rehearsal)“He ate my fucking chicken. What’s next? Stick his cock in my potato salad?”
Logan after Tom rebels by stealing off his plate (season two, episode 10: This Is Not for Tears)“Oedipussy, Wokestar Royco, Paranoid Kendroid, Benedickhead Arnold, Snitchie Rich, a jar of mayonnaise in a Prada suit.”
TV satirist Sophie Iwobi’s string of nicknames for Kendall (season three, episode three: The Disruption)“So sue me. My lawyer used to work for the justice department. Who’s your lawyer? Mr Fucking Magoo?”
Logan refusing to pay a Hamptons contractor in full (season two, episode one: Summer Palace)“Let’s just keep one of his old sweaters. Less racist.”
Shiv on retaining ATN, her father’s pride and joy (season four, episode five: Kill List)“They call him ‘Meth Head Santa,’ because he so rarely delivers.”
Comms chief Hugo on Senator Gil Eavis ahead of the congressional hearing (season two, episode nine: DC)
18
“Are you Scooby Doo-ing me here? Is that where you went? Hanna-Barbera fucking business school?”
Lukas Matsson rumbles the Roy brothers’ deal-scuppering scheme (season four, episode five: Kill List)
19
“I wondered why you looked like a goose trying to shit a house brick, you piece of dirt.”
Kendall realises Shiv was lying (season four, episode four: Honeymoon States)
20
“Sure. Although he did once call me the cunt of Monte Cristo.”
Tom balks at Gerri’s idea of levelling with Logan because he’s family (season two, episode three: Hunting)
21
“Sometimes, when you were absent, they used to refer to you as ‘the Calamari Cock Ring’.”
Frank tells Kendall what potential investors think of him (season one, episode nine: Pre-Nuptial)
22
“What were you doing? Brunching with some other sock puppet girlboss presidents?”
Roman when Shiv arrives late (season three, episode three: The Disruption)
23
“You might want to put down that fish taco. You’re getting your melancholy everywhere.”
Gerri mocks Tom as he scoffs canapés while proclaiming his grief (season four, episode four: Honeymoon States)
24
“You look like a dildo dipped in beard trimmings.”
Roman greets designer-stubbled Stewy (season two, episode two: Vaulter)
25
“Karl, if your hands are clean, it’s only because your whorehouse also does manicures.”
Logan implicates his CFO in the cruise-line scandal (season three, episode one: Secession)
26
“Benign fungus? Great title for your memoir.”
Tom on Greg’s foot complaint (season two, episode 10: This Is Not for Tears)
27
“Smells like the cheesemonger died and left his dick in the brie.”
Logan poetically describes the rancid aroma of his Hamptons house (season two, episode one: Summer Palace)
28
“At least I’m only getting fucked by one member of this family.”
Willa to fellow Roy family outsider Tom (season one, episode five: I Went to Market)
29
“Your pecker’s in my pocket, Dickless Dickleby.”
Kendall exerts his power over Vaulter boss Lawrence Yee (season one, episode two: Shit Show at the Fuck Factory)
30
“Are your nips hard? They must be, you’re so out in the cold.”
Roman after Shiv is suspected of disloyalty (season two, episode seven: Return)
31
“Nice vest, Wambsgans. It’s so puffy. What’s it stuffed with, your hopes and dreams?”
Roman mocks Tom’s preppy outfit (season two, episode six: Argestes)
32
“You love showing your pee-pee to everyone but someday you’re actually gonna have to fuck something.”
Shiv ridicules Roman’s sexual dysfunction (season three, episode two: Mass in Time of War)
33
“Forgive me but are we talking to each other on the poop deck of a majestic schooner? Is the salty brine stinging my weather-beaten face? No? Then why the fuck are you wearing deck shoes, man?”
Tom mocks Greg’s footwear (season one, episode three: Lifeboats)
34
“He wished that Mom gave birth to a can opener, because at least then it would be useful.”
Roman paraphrases Logan’s view of Kendall (season one, episode two: Shit Show at the Fuck Factory)
35
“Your earlobes are thick and chewy, like barnacle meat.”
Jealous Tom negs Shiv (season four, episode five: Kill List)
36
“Eighth in line? You’re a plane crash away from becoming Europe’s weirdest king.”
Tom when Greg eyes up an heir to the throne of Luxembourg (season three, episode nine: All the Bells Say)
37
“I’m about to take a shit in your husband’s mouth and I’m pretty sure he’s going to tell me it tastes like coq au vin.”
Matsson points out Tom’s brown-nosing to Shiv (season four, episode seven: Tailgate Party)
38
“He looks like a ballsack in a toupee.”
Logan on ATN’s late-night anchorman (season four, episode one: The Munsters)
39
“Sure, they’re young and fit but they’re European. They’re soft, hammocked in their Social Security safety nets, sick on vacation mania and free healthcare.”
Gerri on the Waystar team’s Norwegian counterparts (season four, episode five, Kill List)
40
“Greg, this is not fucking Charles Dickens World, OK? You don’t go around talking about principles. Man the fuck up!”
Tom when Greg says working at ATN is against his principles (season two, episode two, Vaulter)
Have we overlooked your favourite Succession zinger, libtards and dipshits? Let us know in the comments below.
• This article was amended on 29 May 2023. The quote in number 34 was from Shit Show at the Fuck Factory, however an earlier version said that was season two, episode one, when, as number 29 correctly says, that was season one, episode two.
