The prosecution: Tobias
I want us to unwind together but Tara always has to work late because she naps all day
My girlfriend Tara is the queen of naps. I’m not opposed to them in theory – short naps are good for the brain – but when I come home from work and Tara is in bed, I find it a little weird.
No adult needs to nap as much as Tara does. She naps every day, and I think it’s a symptom of her generally bad working habits and the fact she’s always at home (her bedtime routine has always been worse than mine, too).
We’re night owls, but Tara more so than me. She’s a freelance writer who also works in music production, and she uses the night to write and play new music. I usually wind down in our bedroom with a film or a book until 11pm, but Tara sometimes stays up until 2am. The following morning, I will get up and get ready for work, but Tara will stay in bed unless I wake her. She usually gets up after I’ve left (I’m not sure when) and then gets on with her day, but will often have a power nap at 3 or 4pm.
She says she doesn’t nap every day but I’ve come home several times to find her asleep in bed. Sometimes I’ll say: “Wake up! It’s not even 7pm!” But usually I just let her sleep. She’ll then get up when I’m making dinner and start working, which might carry on through the night.
I’d prefer it if she worked more in the day and did less at night. I want to chat and unwind together in the evenings, but Tara will be working for ages. I think her naps are the main reason for this. They last for about two hours, or so she says, and it means she’s still got all this energy left later in the evening.
But I also think she needs to change her overall routine and try to get up when I go to work. The naps are only necessary because her whole bedtime routine is out of whack. I do tell her this but Tara says: “I’ve been like this for years: it’s hard to get out of it.”
She says she’s hard-wired this way, that she’s neurodivergent (she’s not), and that I’m forcing her to change her natural rhythm. But she just needs to go to bed at a normal hour.
The defence: Tara
I get a second wind after a nap, and my creative flow is better. That’s why I like to work at night
I love my naps and always have. I like to work in the evening because I’m a bit of a night owl. I don’t know if the two things are correlated: am I a night owl because I nap, or is it the other way around?
As I’m self-employed and work from home, I have the privilege of being able to nap whenever I want. But Tobias says that by napping, I’m ruining my schedule as I have too much energy in the evening. I obviously disagree.
After I nap during the day, I feel better than ever and get a second wind, so that’s why I want to work into the night. Tobias hates it when I work after dinner but it’s just what I like doing. I feel I’m more at peace at night, and can take in more information as my brain is calmer.
I do have to do some work in the morning, too, because that’s required from some of my clients, but then at night I do my clear-headed thinking – I listen to music, make notes and write. My creative flow is better in the evening. It’s like my brain needs to warm up before I can complete my best work.
Tobias has only come home and found me in bed a few times. I don’t nap for hours every day; sometimes it’s just for 30 minutes. Other times, I’ll probably sleep for two hours max. He talks as if I’m lounging around all day but it’s just not true. One time he woke me with a really loud bang, which I didn’t appreciate.
I think Tobias resents seeing me in a state of rest when he comes home from work, which he could probably do with seeing a therapist about. All of us need a little more rest in our lives – what’s so offensive about a woman sleeping during the day? It’s not like I don’t work; I just work in a different way. I like to say I’m neurodiverse, but Tobias doesn’t buy that. Just call me a maverick, then.
I don’t plan on changing my routine. It makes me feel great. I could try to be a bit more sociable in the evening when Tobias wants to chat. But I don’t want to give up my naps.
The jury of Guardian readers
Should Tara wake up to reality?
Tara has a routine that works for her, while Tobias seems unhappy that she doesn’t follow his schedule. As long as they make some time for each other in the evening, there’s no reason for her to change.
Ian, 47
Tara seems to be thriving personally and professionally this way, which means it works for her. I think she’s right that Tobias dislikes coming home from a hard day to find his partner resting, but that could be him putting his dissatisfaction with his own exhausting job on to Tara.
Cait, 34
Tara is fooling herself if she thinks her sleep schedule is productive, desirable or conducive to a successful relationship. She has developed a bad habit which she now accepts no agency over; that’s just a lazy cop-out.
Richard, 50
Tobias is struggling to accept that Tara’s creativity does not conform to common notions about working hours. But Tara needs to make adjustments too: after all, they are a couple and should try to avoid living separate lives.
Rhys, 39
Naps are clearly good for Tara’s mental well being and productivity. They don’t really seem to affect Tobias beyond his frustration at not sharing a bedtime and Tara occasionally being asleep when he gets home.
Archie, 42
Now you be the judge
In our online poll, tell us: should Tara adopt more regular hours?
The poll closes at 10am GMT on Thursday 21 March
Last week’s result
We asked whether Padraig should get a dog when he works such long hours.
82% of you said Padraig is guilty –he should press paws on the idea
18% of you said Padraig is not guilty – it’s Janette who is barking up the wrong tree
