The prosecution: Steph
Our friend wants a tropical hen do, but Katie seems to have no regard for how expensive it all is
One of my friends, Alisee, recently got engaged. Even though she’s not getting married for another year and a half, the preparations have already begun. It’s all we ever talk about.
I’m a bridesmaid, along with my good friend Katie. I was pleased to be asked, but I’ve found that Katie is really enthusiastic about bridesmaid duties whereas I’m more apprehensive. Katie has made a WhatsApp group for all us bridesmaids and keeps hyping Alisee’s ideas up, even when they are ridiculous. I’m not sure I can keep this up for another 18 months.
From the minute Alisee got engaged, Katie has taken it upon herself to explain the bridesmaid duties to us in minute detail. She said we have to start preparations for the hen do immediately, and calls monthly bridesmaids meetings to plan it all. We have to collect money from Alisee’s friends to fund the hen do, too.
For the trip, Alisee wants a tropical location with a villa, butler service, loads of activities, a spa day and a night out. Katie has agreed to it all, and made it worse by suggesting we get personalised robes. I’ve told Katie to calm it down, as it’s going to take a lot of money and time. But Katie thinks it is all totally acceptable. How can I be expected to get all this done on top of my job? I’m also not sure I can afford it. I don’t earn as much as some of the others.
We’re a tight-knit group of friends. Katie has been married for years and I think the reason she’s so happy to appease Alisee is because she was a bit of a bridezilla herself. At her wedding, Katie changed the bridesmaid dresses at the last minute and put us in ones that we all hated.
Perhaps it’s because I’m one of the few single friends in the group, but I can’t imagine acting the same way. Alisee also wants us to pay for our bridesmaid dresses, which Katie says is “totally normal”.I’ve suggested to Katie that we arrange a meeting with Alisee to manage expectations and costs. But Katie thinks that will ruin Alisee’s high. She said, “We’ll probably only get married once: we have to do this for our best friend.” But I don’t want to speak to Alisee alone, and would like the backing of my friend. It would be good to get together and say something before it gets out of hand.
The defence: Katie
Steph needs to step up for her best friend – a girl’s wedding is the most important day of her life
My philosophy is that a girl’s wedding is the most important day of her life. We need to be there as much as possible for Alisee because she will only do this once.
Perhaps it’s because I’ve been through it myself, but I don’t think Alisee’s demands are crazy. It’s just what you do when you get married; you distribute responsibilities among your bridesmaids, and ask them to plan your hen. Steph and I are leading this. The WhatsApp group helped get things in order from the very start. We have to plan the hen do in advance because things will get booked up. That’s just how it works.
I’m supporting Alisee and suggesting additions that will make the hen do extra special, like professional catering and a lovely villa with a pool. Steph is being a bit negative and saying that it’s all too expensive, but most of these demands are coming from the bride, not me. I just want to do the best job possible for Alisee.
Steph was initially onboard with all my plans but now she’s saying things like: “Do we have to keep messaging about drinking games when it’s more than a year away?” She doesn’t even really reply to a lot of the group chat any more. I’m worried she will be totally out of the loop by the time the hen do rolls around. It’s a bit concerning.
I think that being a bridesmaid is so rewarding. You get to be front and centre at a loved one’s wedding and you can make the hen do really special. Usually you get to stay with the wedding party the night before. It’s like a fun little club celebrating your friend.
When Alisee asked us both to be bridesmaids, I was really excited. I think, initially, Steph was too, but now the reality of what we have to do has sunk in and she’s getting a bit nervous. I understand that Steph isn’t as well-off as some of us, but I think if we just treat the hen do abroad as a girls’ holiday, it will be fine. We would have spent that money on another trip anyway.
I don’t want to rain on Alisee’s parade and tell her to tone down her requests as I don’t think they are that extreme. Steph just needs to get over the psychological barrier of it and step up for her best friend.
The jury of Guardian readers
Should Katie help Steph talk to the bride about toning down the hen do?
To this middle-aged feminist, this all sounds ridiculous. Katie is clearly putting her friendship with Alisee and her wedding obsession over her friendship with Steph. She doesn’t seem to be taking any of Steph’s concerns seriously, even the financial ones, which is callous.
Beck, 56
Katie’s enthusiasm is admirable but she must understand that other people have different priorities. Discussing drinking games for a hen do that is 18 months away is overkill. She should also take into account the financial means of the bridesmaids, not just the bride’s “wants”.
Marcin, 45
Alisee is asking a huge amount of her bridesmaids. I think Steph is absolutely right to set some boundaries and take a step back. She can’t be spending a fortune on a trip she has no choice in.
Lydia, 26
By using the word “demands”, Katie has inadvertently hit the nail on the head. It all sounds very demanding – and now accelerated into the “bridesmaidzilla” stratosphere. Katie is obtuse to Steph’s worries. There is a lot about what she thinks, but no concern about leaving Steph out of pocket. Katie needs to chill out and check her ego.
Bryony, 47
We have two people who are talking to each other but not listening to each other’s point of view. Katie is consumed with wanting to do the best for Alisee but isn’t taking account of Steph’s apprehensions. On the other hand, Steph is not properly participating in discussions. Given that the three of them are longstanding friends, it’s surprising that neither of them have felt able to meet together with Alisee and come to a sensible compromise.
Guy, 69
You be the judge
So now you can be the judge. In our online poll below, tell us: should Katie agree to dial down the hen-do?
We’ll share the results on next week’s You be the judge.
The poll will close on Thursday 28 July 9am BST
Last week’s result
We asked whether Max should get a third video game console, since his girlfriend Bryony thinks there’s not enough space.
24% of you said no – Max is guilty
76% of you said yes – Max is innocent
