The prosecution: Zara
Mum says she wants to chill now – I’m fine with that, but I wish she’d stick to what she originally said
Luna, my 10-month-old baby, is the light of my life. My boyfriend Tim and I love being parents, bar the total lack of sleep. We live close to my mum, Rita, and asked her if she would help out with the childcare, so I can go back to work when Luna turns one.
Mum was up for it when we discussed it ages ago, but now the time has come she says she wants to go travelling for a few months. She is retired, divorced my dad five years ago and wants to have some adventures. She’d like to go back to India, where lots of her family live, and do a yoga retreat.
Money is running quite low and my maternity leave ends soon, so I’d like to go back to work as soon as possible.
My mum is 62 and says she wants to enjoy what’s left of her life, which I totally understand, but time with her grandchild will only come around once. Luna is her first grandkid as I am an only child. She’s also really easy to look after. Mum came around to help out in the early weeks, but now things have settled she hasn’t been as present.
I have friends whose mums moved in with them after they had babies. I wouldn’t want that, but it would be nice if Mum was more involved. Tim and I love it when she pops by, but she just dispenses a bit of advice then heads off before our tea is finished.
Mum says she has raised her kid and now wants to “chill”. I’m fine with that, but I wish she’d stick to what she originally said. We’ll have to move things around to accommodate Mum and I’m pretty sure we can’t afford full-time childcare.
The defence: Rita
At 62, I’ve earned the right to call the shots. I want to reconnect with my roots
I said I’d only do the baby thing once, and I did. I raised Zara for 25 years, and during all that time I never wanted any more kids. One was enough.
Now Zara wants a hand with childcare and I will of course oblige, but I said it has to be convenient for me too. At 62, I’ve earned the right to call the shots a bit – I want to see the world and reconnect with my roots.
I have plans to go back to India, where my parents were from, and that means I can only really start helping out after I get back. I won’t apologise for wanting to travel and have fun first.
Life is for living, and I’d like to make the most of what’s left of mine. Yes, that involves spending time with family, especially my grandchild, but I don’t want to be relied upon for free labour. Zara said she was happy for me when I said I wanted to use some of my retirement savings to travel, but now I’ve told her when I plan on going she’s been trying to dictate my schedule. But I need to go soon. I’ve been putting it off for years. My ex-husband had little interest in travelling to India, so it took me a while to pluck up the courage to plan everything.
It’s difficult as a new parent to keep all the plates spinning. Zara is lucky in that she has Tim, just as I was to have my ex-husband, but the main responsibility for looking after a child lies with the parents. Zara is excellent with Luna and I’m very proud of her. I said I’d be around to help out when I can, but I don’t plan on staying around the corner for ever until I pop my clogs.
I’ve still got things I want to do. Zara is all grown up – it’s up to her and Tim to decide how they run their house. As my own dear mum used to say: I’ve done my time.
The jury of Guardian readers
Should Rita stay put and help out?
Zara says she supports her mum, yet is prosecuting her for putting her plans into action. Catch flights, not free childcare – go Rita!
Wallis, 25
Rita is old enough to decide what she wants to do with her life. What about Tim’s parents? Why should Rita have all the responsibility of childcare?
Zuzana, 32
Rita has the right to enjoy her life. What matters is the quality of the time spent with the grandchildren, not the quantity.
Marina, 47
Rita shouldn’t leave Zara in the lurch, but she can’t postpone her once-in-a-lifetime trip to provide convenient childcare.
Jonathan, 37
Rita should have thought the commitment through before offering, but she has a right to change her mind.
Ellen, 33
Now you be the judge
In our online poll, tell us: should Rita help out with the childcare more?
The poll closes at Thursday 23 November at 9am GMT
Last week’s results
We asked whether Damien should help his mum fight their moth problem.
97% of you said yes – Damien is guilty
3% of you said no – Damien is innocent
