The prosecution: Luke
I am not going to behave like a teenager on this holiday. Raye should have more trust in me
My partner Raye is a bit iffy about me going on an upcoming boys’ holiday to Ibiza. It’s a stag do and she’s worried I’ll go off the rails.
I’ve been on stags with the guys before and they do get a bit wild. Last year, in Greece, one friend ended up in hospital after he drunkenly climbed up a lamp-post and fell off.
Now Raye is being a bit controlling. I’m surprised, as we’re generally really open with each other. She’s never been suspicious about my holidays before: she’s not the type. On this trip I’m the best man. Raye thinks I’m going to be chief mischief-maker but it’s actually the opposite. I’ll be busy arranging things so won’t be as free as the others.
She has recently demanded to know all the details for this trip. She said: “It’s a stag do – I know how things can get out of hand.” She wants to know where I’m staying, what activities I’ve planned. She also wants regular calls.
I said to Raye: “I’ll be sober to keep everyone in check. Ibiza won’t even be fun for me.” But she’s still anxious. We’ve been together since we were 16, now we’re almost 30. We’ve lived together for eight years and things are really good.
I think Raye’s nerves might come from the time when, on a holiday to Ibiza with the lads shortly after she and I got together, I kissed another girl. I was drunk. I came back and told her immediately, as I felt awful. In my defence, I was very young and stupid, but I shouldn’t have done it.
We nearly broke up, but Raye forgave me. It was a one-off. I’ve been away with the same boys several times since, but never back to Ibiza. Maybe Raye thinks I’m returning to the scene of the crime. But I want to marry her; nothing in me wants to cheat again.
I think deep down she knows this. Trust hasn’t been an issue since that one silly mistake, but suddenly it’s a problem. Raye needs to relax and remember where we are in our relationship. I’d never do anything to jeopardise what we have. Just because I’m going on a stag do to Ibiza, doesn’t mean I’m going to revert back to the immature teenager I once was.
The defence: Raye
Luke can be quite easily swayed, so I want to know more about his holiday plans. It’s only fair
Luke and I usually have a great relationship. I don’t have a problem with him going away – it’s just this particular group of lads on stag-dos.
Last time, when Luke’s friend ended up in hospital in Greece, I called him to see what was going on and he was so drunk with his friends in A&E. I thought: “Oh my God, this is the state you get yourselves into when the girlfriends aren’t around.” It was funny but also concerning.
I’m sounding like a boring Becky, but I do think these lads are a bit of a liability when they are together. Our friend group is quite tight – there are about six couples. When the boys are away, the girls gossip about what they’re up to on WhatsApp. We’re like: “Have you spoken to them today?” or “Did you see that Instagram story?” Only because we know what they’re like. I don’t think anyone’s cheated in recent years, but you never know.
When Luke and I were 18 years old, he came back from a trip to Ibiza and told me he’d kissed someone when he was drunk on a night out. We broke up for a few months, but I took him back because I love him.
I accept that he’s changed since then – it was more than 10 years ago now – but part of me does worry now that he’s going back to Ibiza. I usually don’t have a problem with his weekends away, but this is different.
Luke is the best man so he’s going to feel pressure to plan some wild activities. He can be easily swayed at times and will want to impress the others. Of course I haven’t said he can’t go, but I have asked for a bit more detail about his plans. He says I’m being excessive, but it’s only fair.
I trust him, but I want to know where he and his friends are staying and if they’re going to strip clubs. I won’t ban him from going or try to dictate his schedule but I want to know what he’s doing. It will make me feel more secure. If Luke doesn’t want to tell me anything, I’ll probably get in a bit of a huff. He says I’m overreacting, but he needs to cut me some slack. Any partner who has once been cheated on would react the same way as me.
The jury of Guardian readers
Should Raye back off on the stag do scrutiny?
Raye is not guilty. Luke acknowledges that several elements of the stag do might cause her some unease. Given that one of these factors is his previous indiscretion (albeit a long time ago) he could be a bit more understanding of her anxieties.
Mark, 39
Raye is being overly paranoid – Luke’s drunken kiss from 12 years ago is a weak justification for her suspicious attitude. If she truly forgave him, why is the same distrust creeping in now? I suggest Raye takes a breather and trusts that Luke can be trusted to have fun.
Jess, 25
I can understand Luke’s need to spend time with his friends, even though they sometimes act like teenagers, but I also share Raye’s concerns. Raye has not vetoed Luke’s participation on the stag – she has asked to be informed of the planned activities. That is not unreasonable.
David, 75
Raye seems convinced that something very bad will happen. But Luke and his friends are adults and responsible for their own mishaps. Demanding check-up calls risks eroding trust rather than building it.
Katie, 31
Precedent is playing out before Luke and he should compromise to make Raye feel less (justifiably) anxious about this trip. He also shouldn’t claim that he will stay completely sober – being open and honest, which is what Raye needs, will help both parties.
Tom, 30
You be the judge
So now you can be the judge. In our online poll below, tell us: should Luke have to tell all the details of his friend’s stag do to Raye?
Last week’s result
We asked whether Hamish should make coffee for Steve in the mornings.
36% of you said no – Hamish is not guilty
64% of you said yes – Hamish is guilty
