SICK AND TYRED?
Clubs have returned for pre-season at shiny training complexes out in the sticks with perfect pitches, large gym facilities, fitness coaches and sports scientists. Soon they will be whisked off for tours to lovely sunny countries, getting themselves ready for the start of the campaign. We are shown them in professional settings, looking happy to be back at work and without an ounce of extra fat picked up from a summer of excess. Show-offs. Fun-loving social media disgrace types lap up this coverage as their heroes show off new branded gear sponsored by companies with names like CryptoB@ntz.com, so they can tell rivals that their club have the fittest players in the league. Football Daily even saw some actual footballers in the hotel gym at 8am in the morning (as we trudged ingloriously back from a night out).
None of us really want to see these sterilised images inside gyms as body fat is measured by people with actual degrees. We want the return of players running up and down the stadium steps, ruining their calves over sand dunes and occasionally being forced to carry out some pretend military exercise to show they are fit enough. We have cast around the clubs and are yet to find the image of one rotund player being forced to run for miles in a bin bag to sweat out a summer of excess and then vomiting into a bush. And football is the poorer for it.
The blistered hands of Burnley players are still recovering from being forced to pull tractor tyres to prove their ruddy bloody manliness under Sean Dyche in years gone by and this is what we all need more of this summer. We want the return of the gruelling fun – the players have had up to three weeks off, they should be ready to push themselves to the limit in July, who cares about next May now? Britain loves nostalgia, harping back to the glory days and desperately trying to travel backwards in time, so fitness methods are the natural next steps. Come and get your black bin bags!
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The first meeting was with Laurence [Stewart] and Paul [Winstanley] via Zoom and I asked if I need to convince them, or them me. And I said if I need to convince you, I need to go and shower and shave first” – in his first Chelsea press conference, Mauricio Pochettino reveals that, much like Football Daily, he didn’t bother trying too hard in his first job interview.
FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS
If anyone had forgotten about the merciless passage of time, there was Rochdale (yesterday’s Football Daily) using Phoenix Nights as a way of unveiling a player. According to Wikipedia, the final episode aired in September 2002, a month before the player they were unveiling, Kwaku Oduroh, was born. I’d like to see this happen more often: a club could use Fawlty Towers to take the edge off announcing they’ve appointed, say, Michael Owen as their new manager” – Ed Taylor.
It would be remiss of me not to draw attention to the no-expense-spared unveiling of the mighty Killie’s star striker Kyle Vassell during the last transfer window. Villarreal can stick their sleight of hand, the Scottish Premiership is where the real magic happens” – Stephen Black.
Bus stop ads in north London have been adorned with Declan Rice’s phizzog, weeks before his signing for that lot down the road. He and his Mr 15% are shilling a certain dessert with the slogan ‘Rice Rice Baby’. Seems someone missed a trick by not signing ageing rent-a-quote Thomas Müller as part of the package” – Trevor Matthews [he does have previous – Daily Ed].
‘Go Hannah Go!’ reads the giant cardboard sign that greets Hannah Dingley at her first Forest Green match (yesterday’s Football Daily, full email edition). For heaven’s sake, give her a chance” – Adrian Riley.
I’m surprised no one’s used the phrase ‘smashing the grass ceiling’ for Hannah Dingley’s admirable appointment at Forest Green” – Paddy Viner (and no other wannabe headline writers).
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Ed Taylor.
CELTA VI-DE-O
If Celta Vigo punch above their weight on the pitch in 2023-24 as they do in this jaw-dropping video by rapper C. Tangana to commemorate their centenary year, then we’re backing them as genuine contenders. It’s stunning. So, over to you Rafa. Rafa? Ah yes, we missed Benítez being appointed some time last week. Blame the cricket.
• This is an extract from our daily football email … Football Daily. To get the full version, just visit this page and follow the instructions.
