Listen, I'm no stranger to wearing motorcycle boots with things that most people would say I shouldn't. Several years ago, I used to have a long commute to work on my bike. Quite frequently, I'd put motorcycle over pants over whatever I wanted to wear at my job. Sometimes, it was pants. Other times, it was skirts. In all cases, they were paired with motorcycle boots.
Fashion!
And yes, designs based on the classic Schott NYC motorcycle jacket frequently pop up in fast fashion retailers (and high-end ones, too) on what seems to be a cyclical basis. Motorcycles and fashion go together. But...like this? Really, Balenciaga?
Oh, right. We've been here before with you. My mistake.
Anyway, these are Balenciaga's "Biker 90MM Over-The-Knee Boots," according to their current listing on the Saks Fifth Avenue website. They come with knee pucks (presumably not CE-rated), along with a number of details that look like some unholy combination of motorcycle boots and leather moto pants. Only...not.
The heels are 90mm, or approximately 3.5 inches high. Only, the angle (camber? IDK) is super strange. And I absolutely have to zoom in on the part that absolutely kills me about these boots.
Someone purposely applied the Balenciaga logo to the bottoms of these 'boots,' where shift pads would be on real motorcycle boots, using a font that very closely resembles one used by extremely legit and world-famous motorcycle gear manufacturer Alpinestars.
Did Balenciaga reach out to Alpinestars before doing this? Is it a tongue-in-cheek homage? Or a potential lawsuit waiting to happen? I mean, Balenciaga also says these are made in Italy, so did they poach some Alpinestars' expert leather artisans to work on these monstrosities?
What do you get for your US $8,700? According to the listing, these boots are made of calfskin and textured polyurethane (TPU), which is presumably on the sole. They have a flex heel, a pointed toe (no kidding), a 'worn-out effect,' and a 'hollowed out design at front.' In addition to being made in Italy.
At the time of writing, the SFA website says that only a few of these are left in stock, so you'd better hurry if you want them. I'm skeptical about how many of these were made in the first place, but if the current stock listing on the website is accurate, there are "only 1 left" of each of the following sizes:
- 37 (7)
- 38 (8)
- 39 (9)
- 40 (10)
- 41 (11)
Seasoned actual motorcycle gear shoppers will recognize Euro sizes followed by US sizes in parenthesis. It's not clear whether these run small, large, or true to size, nor if they're narrow, wide, or average width. Also, they're apparently only available for Standard shipping. That's right; for your ridiculous US $8,700 boots, you can't even request expedited shipping. Woof.
Know what else you could spend your US $8,700 on, instead of these boots? Quite a lot, of course, but we're just going to stick to motorcycle-related items here.
1. A Dainese Custom Works One-Piece Leather Suit. Or a few, depending.
This is a configurator screenshot from the Dainese Custom Works website. For those unfamiliar, it's where you can go to configure any one of nine separate Dainese one-piece race suit options to suit your needs and budget.
The way it works is, you select your suit, and then you decide how you want to customize it. Want custom colors? That's an additional $500. Want a custom fit to suit your exact dimensions? That'll be another $750.
At the time of writing, the most expensive suit in the lineup is the Mugello 3 Perforated D-Air one-piece leather suit. It'll run you a cool US $5K. Add custom color and it's $5,500. Add Dainese's Custom Fit service to have it fit you precisely, and it's $6,250.
But an entire Dainese custom race suit doesn't have to cost that much, either. The Mugello 3 is much pricier than, say, a Laguna Seca 5 ($1,599.95), or a Grobnik Lady 1pc Perforated Suit ($1,099.95).
That means, depending on your choices, you could actually have MULTIPLE custom Dainese one-piece leather suits for the same money as these Balenciaga fake moto boots.
Heck, you could even get yourself a custom fit Dainese suit (or more) and some real motorcycle boots! Or a whole new set of pretty nice track day kit, depending on what you want!
2. An entire new Royal Enfield Himalayan 450, straight out of the showroom.
That's right. You could have yourself untold miles of adventure on your brand-new Royal Enfield Himalayan 450, which currently carries a US MSRP starting at $5,799. Incidentally, I already know what RideApart Executive Editor Jonathon Klein would rather spend his $8,700 on.
3. Yamaha Champions Riding School training at your choice of courses.
You could even do two 2-Day trainings and still have money left over for your flights, hotel, and any gear (or tires) you might need.
Or, if you don't want to do YCRS, you could also spend that money on other motorcycle training options. Any way you invest in yourself and your riding skills that's a legit, good school, is money well spent in our book.
4. Two CFMoto Papios, so you can ride with a buddy or to pull a chariot
Get two Papio SS, two Papio CL, or one of each; your choice! Either way, you should still have money left over for gear and/or bike mods (or gas and energy drinks, whatever) for your $8,700.
And you know what else you'll have if you choose this option? A blast. You'll have a blast, and so will whichever friend rides with you.
5. A fancy tour package to the 2025 Isle of Man TT, with accommodation
There are several companies offering tour packages to the IOMTT. At the time of writing, you should be able to find several options that neatly fit in under the $8,700 that those boots cost, and include things like the unforgettable IOMTT itself, accommodations, and more.
And presumably, because I'm writing this prior to Black Friday 2024, there will be even better deals to be had on many of the things listed here, netting you even more moto-related bang for your $8,700 smackeroos.
It's your money; spend it wisely. Or at least, on something that's both more fun and more useful.
