Dear Coleen
I’m a divorced, 45-year-old woman with one child from my marriage. I’ve been single for quite a long time and I suppose I gradually got used to the idea that I simply wouldn’t meet anyone else.
However, I’ve reconnected with an old flame on Instagram.
He was more than an old flame really, I absolutely adored this guy and was properly in love with him.
We dated in our early 20s, but I broke it off for reasons that I think are stupid now. Basically, he was a bit of a surf bum (we live on the coast in the South West) and although he was sweet and gorgeous, he wasn’t ambitious like I was and so I dumped him, thinking that I needed someone more driven.
Well, I met my ex-husband, who was driven at work, but also a selfish prat.
I’ve often thought about this guy from my past and realised no one else has come close to him. I think he was the one and I let him go. Cut to now and he’s living in California and doing really well for himself.
He says he never married, but has a younger on/off girlfriend, who’s a free spirit and doesn’t want to be tied down.
Should I tell him that I still think of him romantically or would that be mad? Even if he was into the idea, he’s so far away, so God knows how we’d make it happen.
Coleen says
I worry you might be romanticising the whole thing. This sounds like a rom-com waiting to happen. I hate to burst the bubble, but focusing on this guy could prevent you being open to meeting someone else closer to home.
It’s good that he went off to find himself and make a good life, and it sounds as if you were perhaps the kick up the bum he needed.
However, is it this new, improved version of him that’s so attractive? Is that the only reason you’re suddenly yearning for him? And, the truth is, even if he’d done all these things when you were together, it doesn’t mean your relationship would have worked out.
You haven’t seen each other in a long time so I’d keep it to a friendship for now, not least because he does have a girlfriend, even if it’s an on/off one.
He’s also so far away and it sounds as if he has a good life out there and is unlikely to move back home, so where does that leave you?
He’s the one who got away and it’s a natural human reaction to want what seems out of reach – it makes it seem more attractive!
Honestly, I think pinning your hopes on something happening between you is going backwards instead of forwards.
