Ever since my first shave with my own mortality, time has become a very important factor in my life.
The saying that it “goes in a blink of an eye” feels more real than it ever has to me. Sitting in a busy cafe, I have just recovered from a day of back-to-back medical appointments around my condition and what the future holds for me. Electric wheelchairs, full-time care and hoists to get me out of bed makes hard reading, especially on Olympic day.
Pausing to capture a glance of my body in a mirror, I see what the doctors see, not what my mind perceives me to look like. Noel Baxter’s comment of “I forget you’re injured” runs in my mind. After six consecutive medical appointments I wish I wasn’t injured, I wish I had moved hospitals and pushed for radiotherapy before the one caring for me left me paralysed.
I catch myself quickly as I know this chain of thought is a downward spiral, but as I try to make my way home through London, I find myself stuck – no taxis, busy trains – so I try to walk. This is not the smartest idea, and after a few slips and falls I clamber onto a busy tube.
The words of Gavin Hastings were now playing in my mind. Last Saturday was the post Birmingham Commonwealth Games Achieve Programme to review how the athletes and coaches have done since leaving the Games.
It felt like I had purpose, meaning in the suffering of constant pain from paralysis as I worked as a mentor on the programme. To listen to how our young Scottish athletes had done over the last eight months was heart-warming. We heard from swimming medallist Martyn Walton who shared an incredible story of his relay final in Birmingham and his journey from athlete to being part of the coaching staff at the high-performance swimming centre in Stirling University. The team were also given an insight into the mindset of Scottish hockey star Kareena Cuthbert and worked on their own goals as part of a very interesting session around managing pressure by being in the present moment, something that sport has taught me about managing cancer.
It felt a million miles away from the reality I faced this week back in London, hearing doctors tell me of a future that looks dark and full of struggle. I hold onto moments like this on the achieve programme.
Desperate to take my mind back to that room in Stirling University I decided to do the forbidden in London, and that was to turn to the person next to me and say hello and ask how they were doing. This made me smile as Gavin Hastings highlighted that when you ask this, the usual reply is “not bad”. I caught myself saying this a few times and quickly reframed it to “I am well thank you”. I felt the switch in my inner energy just from this simple change in words. Hastings spoke to the young athletes on how great it is to be Scottish and to be proud and stand tall. As I said hello on the tube, the person replied with, “You are Scottish, I went to Edinburgh University.” With people looking at me as if I was crazy for striking up a conversation, I didn’t care; it was therapy for me after a very tough day. I heard the words of Hastings in my mind on positive thinking, and as I struggled getting off the tube and up the stairs, I finally got a taxi.
A journey that should have taken 30 minutes was now over two hours, but I was determined not to give up. By now my legs were gone and I fell into the taxi. Not paying full attention the driver started to take me on the long route, until I asked in a strong Scottish tone, “Where are we going?” Within seconds the meter was turned off and this Glasgow voice piped up.
I smiled and told myself, “David you are almost home and, in a few days, will be back on your bike in the Highlands of Scotland.”
