I am a 22-year-old man who is still a virgin. I have had three failed sexual encounters in which I was with a girl I was really into, but couldn’t get an erection because of stress and anxiety. In one case, the girl told all her friends that I couldn’t get an erection. I worked with a lot of them at the time and they looked at me differently after she told them. It ate away at my confidence and it still haunts me. I often avoid flirting with women to prevent myself from getting into a similar situation again. I am healthy, 1.8m (5ft 10in) tall and weigh 84kg (13st 3lb) and I work in a physically demanding construction job, so I don’t think it is a physical problem. I believe it is all in my head. Every time I get into a situation in which I feel as if I could have sex, I start sweating and become very anxious. What can I do to stop these invasive thoughts from destroying my sex life?
Sex is supposed to be pleasurable and fun. Anxiety, fear and any type of performance or body concern can significantly reduce a person’s ability to enjoy intimacy and participate fully in love-making. It is really unfortunate that you were betrayed by someone whose indiscretion has further lowered your confidence, and has even made you avoid sex altogether.
Do you generally suffer from anxiety? It would be wise to practise techniques such as physical relaxation, visualisation, meditation and other breathing techniques that help you reduce anxiety in all situations. Find out what works for you. Cognitive behavioural therapy can help eliminate intrusive thoughts. Above all, it is important to recognise that it is always a mistake to embark on a sexual mission with someone unless you feel relaxed, safe and confident, and your only intention is to enjoy intimacy. Pushing yourself to go through the motions simply because you think you should lose your virginity is very unwise.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure discussion remains on topics raised by the writer. Please be aware there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.
