A single dad claims British society "is not positive enough towards dads" and shows like MTV's Teen Mom "cement negative stereotypes" about them. Widowed Ian Bowden, 44, has been the sole parent to Courtney, 20, Jenna, 16, and Liam, 11, since their mum, Sharon, 43, died in 2020 from Covid complications.
Ian and Sharon were married for 16 years before she passed away and Ian and his children still grieve her loss. He gave up working shifts at a fuel tank manufacturing plant and now works as a part-time delivery driver so he can look after Jenna and Liam - who have anxiety and autism respectively. Ian says he has "learned a lot" since Sharon’s death and believes single fathers "are not given enough recognition".
The dad-of-three from Coventry said: “Dads are often the butt of the joke. A lot is highlighted about bad dads because there are a lot of them out there unfortunately.
“Anyone can be a father, but it takes a man to be a dad. To use the word dad takes somebody special because anyone can make a child and be a biological father but not everyone can be a dad.
“A missing dad is not even blinked at nowadays. You have TV shows like MTV’s Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant where that stereotype is the whole reason for the show.
“There are many single dads out there doing the best they can in difficult situations. There are men out there raising families and doing a good job.
“There are kids out there growing into valued members of society who were raised by their dad and those men doing that need to be recognised. The first response when people find out I'm a single dad is 'oh, that must be so hard'.
"I say it's no harder than any other type of single parent. It can be tiring, but it is just about educating people really."
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Ian says his challenges in fatherhood have included supporting his teenage daughters through puberty and managing his son's autism on his own.
He said: “For me it wasn’t as big a practical change as it would be for some guys - because my wife had been ill so I was already house-trained. I know some widowed dads who don’t know how to use a washing machine and don’t go shopping, but I was already doing it.
“The hardest thing was having two teenage daughters and knowing they didn’t have mum to go to for the things teenage girls need their mums for. Fortunately, my mum doesn’t live too far away, but I was clear from the start that I was always there for them to talk to.
“My youngest is autistic and he’s high functioning enough to be in school, but he still has issues. I now get the brunt of that and don’t have mum around to step in and take the burden when it gets too much.
“I’m probably a little bit more laidback now. The trouble is you can’t play good cop, bad cop. You lose that ability to get your way with the children.
“You can’t do that when you’re on your own. Whatever seeds you sow you have to deal with what grows.
“One of the biggest things us single parents struggle with is thinking ‘if they lose me, that’s it, they’ve got no one’. That’s a pressure that not a lot of people necessarily realise. It is just me now. They have no one else.
“Another hard thing for widowed men is work. I was working shifts and then going back to that just wasn’t an option. I stayed on the furlough scheme until that ran out and had to find part-time employment after.
“But if you have a career you have to be fortunate to keep it. You may not have a supportive employer and if you don’t then you rely on benefits or go part-time because your career is gone.”
Ian says he has found solace in Widowed and Young - a nationwide charity which organises support groups for all under-50s who have lost their partner. He is the charity’s area co-ordinator for the West Midlands and acts as the first point of contact for widows and widowers from the region reaching out for help.
He said: “You’re never the only person who is having a bad day thinking ‘I’m a crap dad’ or ‘I can’t do this’. With loneliness, it’s a help knowing you can meet up with people for a coffee and a cake, a bowling night or a meal at a restaurant, and the vast majority of activities are with your children too.
“The important thing is reaching out to somebody and considering joining a group of people who are like you. You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to.
"Just being able to read messages online on the Facebook group and maybe comment can help you know that you’re not alone. It’s about knowing that it can get better and hearing from people that it will get better.
“It’s OK to cry. It’s OK to reach out. It’s OK to ask for help and admit that you’re struggling because nobody expects you to suddenly manage.”
