"If you don't stop that right now I will call Santa and tell him not to come!". It's a threat often yelled in the Colasimone house this time of year.
It's not great parenting, admittedly.
But let me list some excuses as to why we lapse into cheap (and empty) threats:
We, as parents, are frazzled. There is a lot going on at this time of year. Work may be winding down, but there are a million things to think about and organise; holiday logistics, Christmas Day, work parties, children's parties, presents … the list goes on.
The kids are feral. They are tired from a full year of day care or school but also extremely stimulated by the thought of Christmas approaching.
They're jacked up on sugar from all the festive treats they receive from various parties.
Emotions run high from early morning until bedtime, fluctuating from hyperactive excitement to exhausted anguish.
Let's blame the heat as well.
So it's not surprising that many parents, including ourselves, fall back on the most powerful threat available to them at Christmas time: the phone call to Santa.
It is the most effective way to stop recalcitrant kids in their tracks.
And it doesn't even have to be a call these days. You could email Santa. Or WhatsApp him.
My five-year-old is petrified of getting a rock in her stocking if I let the big man in the north know she is not sharing with her sister (this must be the modern version of the lump of coal).
There are a host of other Christmas-related emotional blackmails.
"You will not get your advent calendar chocolate tomorrow if you don't clean up the toy room" or "We will tell everyone not to come and that Christmas Day is cancelled".
Often shouted, always shameless.
These days the corporate world has jumped on the bluff bandwagon.
Elf toys have emerged as Santa's chief undercover operatives, snitching on children from ledges and windowsills.
There is even an app which will call your phone pretending to be Santa, spruiking itself as a "festive behavioural tool for kids" which sounds both menacing and Orwellian.
'Abject terror'
Lexy Hamilton-Smith's grown-up daughter Laurel English still bears the scars of the Santa threats.
Now a paediatric social worker, she says she distinctly remembers them starting about November each year, and continuing right up until Christmas Day.
One instance in particular stands out, when she was five or six years old.
"Bedtimes were particularly fraught at that time of year, with all the excitement about Christmas.
"One night my dad had had enough and actually called Santa on his mobile phone, the big black bricks we had back in the '90s.
"I remember craning my neck from my bed to see him having a stern conversation with Santa in the kitchen, 'She won't go to sleep, Santa, we just don't know what to do'.
"I can't remember if it worked, but I can recall the abject terror at the thought of Santa not coming and me not getting presents."
Ms English said she still likes to mention the trauma to her mum around Christmas time — but admits she may well use similar techniques if she has kids of her own.
"We look back on it fondly now, but at the time I was genuinely fearful," she laughs.
Mum Lexy says the strategy worked a treat and Laurel went to sleep after questioning how Dad got Santa's number.
"He said he was a journalist so it was easy to track down," Ms Hamilton-Smith said.
The "precocious, fun little girl" also went straight to sleep the night they convinced her the elves were ringing bells and flying from roof top to roof top to check in on who was protesting bedtime.
She got to wake up refreshed, still on the "nice" list and her parents got some time to chill with a festive nightcap.
Parents 'just trying to get through'
Griffith University's Kristyn Sommer is an expert in evidence-based parenting for children up to five years of age.
Also a parent herself, of three-year-old Sisi, she knows how "ratty" kids can get this time of year.
"Parents get exhausted and tools like threatening to take away presents or to tell Santa your child has been naughty is really easy in the moment, especially if you are just trying to get through that bedtime run which is so hard I know.
"My daughter did not go to sleep for an hour-and-a half last night so I can definitely sympathise.
"I mean the month of December is really tricky, it makes kids far more challenging to parents because they are out of routine, they are over-stimulated, they are going to have 500 more meltdowns.
"So that is probably why so many more parents do it.
"But long term it is not going to teach your children much about socially appropriate behaviour.
"It may make a child go to sleep in the moment, but it's not a long-term strategy for helping your child to change their behaviour and reflect on what they are doing."
Magical play is good
However, Dr Sommer says parents who say elves are swooping by to check if a child is asleep, and that Santa has a magical list which keeps updating if you're "naughty or nice" can also be good for kids.
"Lovely imaginative play is really whimsical and joyful and it is really good for their brains, but it is just trying to focus on the special aspect of it, rather than the negative," she says.
"But try not to use it like your supernatural surveillance system, because, firstly, it could scare kids, they are already scared there are monsters under the bed and now they think Santa is watching their every move, that can be a bit overwhelming for them.
"It just doesn't work either."
Elves (and even Santa) can be 'a bit creepy'
Dr Sommer tells parents its best to the have a mischievous elf toy as a house guest "without the surveillance".
"The elf watching your child and every move, and reporting back to some strange man with a white beard, can be a bit creepy.
Dr Sommer says some kids are frightened of Santa.
"He is a big man with a beard and he is a stranger, so it comes down to how parents engage in the Santa myth — whether he is this real thing or, like, say a unicorn, so pretend play".
Empty threats
Empty threats don't work either (which is bad news for this reporter).
"If you threaten children with the removal of presents and do not actually do it, that just tells the child they can push that boundary again," Dr Sommer says.
"So you need to be ready to hold firm and be clear why you are removing that present because they will not remember what they did, so you will have to remind them.
"But if you can't carry through you should also explain it.
"Say, 'You know what, I was really upset, I should not have said that, I am not going to take your presents away but we do need to work on something to change the thing that you did. What you did was not OK'."
Make sure the punishment fits the crime
"But make sure the punishment fits the crime," Dr Sommer says.
"Because sometimes we as parents can have a completely different expectation of children and where their brain is actually at.
"So sometimes it is less about choosing the right punishment and more about going, 'Oh hang on, is my child doing this because they are unable to control impulses and do not have the capacity for self-regulation that I do?'
"Because I have a fully developed prefrontal cortex (cognitive abilities) which takes 25 years to mature.
"It is about taking your child's perspective and holding firm with boundaries."
Better ways to regulate their behaviour
Dr Sommer says you can use natural or logical consequences, which are consequences that are related to the behaviour.
"So if your child is on the beach throwing sand and you have asked them to stop, you say, 'OK, if you throw sand any more we are going to have to leave as it is not safe and could hurt someone'.
"And they continue to throw sand so you remove them from the beach.
"And there is a very clear link for that very small child in their mind, the reason they are being removed from the beach is because they threw sand."
The same logic can be applied to something like Christmas presents, Dr Sommer says.
Removing a present on Christmas morning because the child was naughty some time ago wouldn't work.
"They don't remember what they did so just feel like a bad kid who does not deserve presents.
"It is best to have something that is closely related in time and related to the thing they are doing wrong.
"That is more likely to help change their behaviour and help them learn what they did wrong."
So for any parents feeling guilty about using the judgement of Santa as a disciplinary tool, don't worry too much.
"Naughty or nice" is a tradition that is here to stay but Dr Sommer wants parents to remember it does not necessarily work for good behaviour all year round.
But as any exhausted parent knows, a little Santa skulduggery is worth a try if it comes down to a good night's sleep.
