Rachael Partleton, 41, and Steven Wingrove, 49, are neighbours but they’re also a couple. “Our front doors are 16 inches apart and you can hear when each other is up and awake,” says Partleton, a personal trainer.
The pair live in a house that’s been converted into two flats, each with two bedrooms and a shared garden, in Crystal Palace. They got together in January, after bumping into each other out and about, going for coffees and being friends for seven months.
When they finally made things official, friends joked that they could knock through the ceiling and return the property to its previous state as a single house, but they don’t even plan to move into together, let alone merge their flats. “I value my personal space; it makes me feel better,” says Partleton, who lives on the ground floor.
The couple is LAT. In Dutch, the word ‘lat’ means ‘stick’, but in the past 20 years, it’s caught on in the English world because of its acronym, ‘Living Apart Together’. It’s defined as two people in a committed romantic relationship, and seen publicly as in a relationship, but who, for whatever reason, live in separate places.
According to the Couples Living Apart Survey, 10 per cent of couples in the UK do not live in the same house as their partner, while the Census Bureau has found that 3.89 million Americans, or 2.95 per cent of married couples, live apart.
Research published on 3 December from Prof Yang Hu at Lancaster University and Dr Rory Coulter at UCL revealed LAT is the most popular option for new couples aged over 60 — and is 10 times more likely for these couples than marriage.
There are several celebrity examples of LATs. Courteney Cox and Johnny McDaid have lived separately since getting together in 2013, with the actress in LA and the Snow Patrol musician based in London. Gillian Anderson and Peter Morgan have been together on and off since 2016 but have never lived together, while actresses Sarah Paulson and Holland Taylor put the success of their nine-year relationship down to not sharing each other’s space. Ever one to spot a trend, Gwyneth Paltrow revealed that, during their first year of marriage, she and her husband Brad Falchuk only spent four nights a week together at her home; the other three nights, he spent at the home he shared with the children from his previous marriage. Until their 2014 split, Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton were the London LAT poster couple, living in adjoining houses in Belsize Park with their two children.
Studies have found that while LAT relationships demonstrate the same level of commitment, intimacy and stability as traditional relationships, they give each partner a sense of independence. The reasons for being in a LAT relationship are many and varied but include to reduce costs, because of work commitments, to prioritise children or just not wanting to live together.
Being neighbours, Wingrove and Partleton have found it easy to split their time between each other’s places. “I have a bigger front room and better telly to we tend to watch TV up here,” says Wingrove, who’s a first assistant director on film shoots. “Rachael has a better kitchen. There are certain aspects that are better in one flat than the other.”
“We rarely sleep in each other’s bed,” says Partleton. “Instead, we curl up together and then slope off to our own beds. When I do fall asleep in Steve’s bed, I don’t sleep well. It’s nice to be in my own bed.”
“In the morning, we often text ‘Cuddle?’ and go in to one or the other. There’s a lot of texting going on,” adds Wingrove.
Partleton bought her flat independently, 10 years ago, paying for the mortgage and putting down the deposit herself, something she’s incredibly proud of: “In my family, no women have owned their own property without a man to back it up.”
Sadly, things took an unfortunate turn soon after a relationship breakdown led to difficulties with the property. “Emotionally, it was horrific, and I don’t have the energy to go through that again.”
Wingrove, who bought his flat just under two years ago, also previously owned a property with a partner. While their break-up was amicable, it was still difficult to disentangle themselves financially. “My ex and I bought a flat together and I couldn’t afford to buy her out. She bought me out in the end, but it took a long time.”
“In your 20s, it’s a process: buy a house and combine your financial side. We’ve both done that, and it hasn’t worked,” says Partleton. “Because it was so hard to get my flat back, I’m not interested in sharing it again.”
That said, the couple admits that maintaining their financial independence is expensive – especially in London – and do small things to keep costs down. “If it’s cold at night, we go into one flat and put the heating on,” says Wingrove. They have considered sharing the internet but find it useful having two options, in case one line suddenly drops out.
Partleton says that, if it came to it financially, she’d rent out her spare room over moving in with Wingrove. “I’ve done a lot of renting out the spare room and I could go back to that again. It’s something you can turn on or off.”
There are unexpected bonuses of having separate abodes, however. “It’s handy having two kitchens,” says Wingrove. “If you run out of something, you can just run up and ask: ‘Can I borrow some Chinese Spice?’” They often cook their meals separately but like to eat together in the evenings.
While the pair acknowledges their set-up wouldn’t work for everyone – particularly families with kids – it’s been a success for them so far. Partleton explains: “With everything I went through, I’ve realised you don’t have to be financially entwined.”
