Sport — some people think of it as nothing more than the pointless chasing of a ball around a field.
Others can see past the shouting, sweating and ridiculous outfits and understand that it is, alongside science and the arts, one of the few chances for human beings to show what they are capable of, to reach beyond their abilities and surpass expectations.
Tasmania wants that chance too — and it seems is prepared to pay a stupid amount of money for the opportunity, after announcing it is "formally requesting" it be given consideration to play a part as a host for the 2026 Commonwealth Games.
Yes, you read that correctly: Tasmania wants to host the Commonwealth Games, four years from now.
Some might say that managing to host a three-day cricket match without too much going wrong is hardly enough evidence on which to deduce that Tasmania could competently run an event with upwards of 5,000 athletes and officials over two weeks — not to mention the hundreds of thousands of spectators.
Some might say Tasmania has none of the sports infrastructure needed for such an event.
Some might point out the lack of hospitality staff, rental cars, public transport, airport capacity, suitable arterial roadways or available accommodation.
Some, no doubt, will suggest there are better things a government should be spending money on.
Some might comment, quite correctly, that 2026 is only four years away and too soon to be able to pull together an event of such an epic scale.
These are likely the same people who want NASA to stop exploring space.
Tasmanians think big: Perhaps there is no better example than their relentless pursuit of the Guinness World Record for the most water skiers to be towed behind a single boat.
They tried, they failed, they came back again, they failed again but they DID NOT GIVE UP and, eventually, triumphed.
One of the key players behind the glorious achievement summed it up when he said it was largely because of the desire to do "stupid stuff" that it happened at all.
What a beautiful metaphor.
The list of sports that make up the Commonwealth Games is ever-changing. So, incorporating some new or slightly tweaked events should not be a problem, while making use of the state's existing facilities.
Additions to the program could include:
- race to the disappearing tarn — individual and teams event, in which competitors have to make their way across mountainous terrain to find a pool of water which only appears after heavy rains, and not for long — weird, but good!
- e-scooter rally — this incredible showcase event could be like the Tour de France, except slower, but probably with as many crashes
- nude swimming — let's face it, watching swimming can be a bit ho-hum, so, ditch the clothes and watch the TV ratings go off (This is just a logical extension of Hobart's world famous winter solstice swim, which is super popular. It just makes sense!)
- royal tennis — played on an indoor court and described as a mix between squash, tennis and chess, this is an actual sport! Ok, the real reason it is included here is because Hobart has a royal tennis court already, so that saves on building one — thrifty!
- track and field — all the normal activities, but on the gravel surface of the Queenstown oval.
Don't forget, when it comes to putting on a show that gets people talking, no-one does it better than Tasmania.
Fireworks, synchronised dancing and waving athletes are all very nice but with the eyes of the world on you, it's time to ramp it up — and who better to take it to the next level than the same people who put inverted Christian crosses around the Hobart city centre for art?
Picture the world tuning in to the live coverage of the Tasmanian 2026 Commonwealth Games opening ceremony, as choreographed by the team from MONA's Dark Mofo.
If Mofo can get thousands of people to watch a man be buried underground for three days in the middle of a Tasmanian winter, imagine what they could do with half a million of taxpayer dollars and unlimited council permits.
Brisbane's mascot from 1982 was Matilda the kangaroo.
That was all well and good, but predictable and typically so.
Tasmania — the home of the first green political party — could honour that tradition by choosing as its Commonwealth Games mascot an endangered species, signalling to the world it cares about precious wildlife and is prepared to stand by its principles.
Behold, the Tasmanian Commonwealth Games mascot for 2026: the handfish.
Best of all, hosting the Games would be a chance for Tasmania to exact revenge for the slight on the tiny state by mainland Australia 40 years ago which — for some — still burns.
At the 1982 Commonwealth Games opening ceremony in Brisbane, an aerial shot shows hundreds of kiddies marching in unison and forming the shape of Australia … with Tasmania nowhere to be seen.
And that was not a one-off.
Back in 1956, Australia's Olympic athletes paraded proudly on home soil in their terry-towelling tracksuits with Australia embroidered on their chests — again, sans Tasmania.
Whoever is brought in to design the official Australian uniforms and the opening ceremony has the perfect chance to right a horrible wrong — and leave mainland Australia completely off.
Just have Tasmania. BOOM!
The irony is, it'll probably be a bloody mainlander who gets that job.
