It seems like a paradox. Why would someone choose a chaotic relationship over a peaceful one? Furthermore, why might a person feel more at ease in a crisis than in a moment of calm? This behavior can baffle an outside observer. Indeed, it goes against our basic survival instincts, as we are supposed to seek safety and avoid danger.
But for some people, the familiar feels safe, even if it is harmful. This response often has roots in past experiences, particularly childhood trauma. The brain learns to adapt to its environment. If that environment was consistently unstable or dangerous, the brain then wires itself for that reality. Understanding this is key to having compassion for ourselves and others who feel safer in unsafe situations.
