I’m a regular guy, just like you. I promise. There’s no one more normal than someone who publicly declares they’re normal. Here’s me, the average, everyday Joe, who can’t get enough of people beating the crap out of each other. I love a good scrape, a sloppy donnybrook, or a casual beating. This is what defines me as an American.
When I go to the cinema and large stretches of the film don’t involve actors smashing each other with baseball bats, I immediately start texting my friends about how boring Hamnet is. What’s all that clear liquid coming out of that man’s eyes? It’s not blood. Shouldn’t he be swearing revenge against his enemies right about now?
This is why I’m so thrilled that FBI director, Kash Patel, announced a landmark deal with the Ultimate Fighting Championship (or UFC, if you hate words) to train federal agents in the art of merciless violence.
“This is a tremendous opportunity for our FBI agents to learn and train with some of the greatest athletes on earth – helping the world’s premier law enforcement agency be even better prepared to protect the American people,” Patel said in an official statement.
Personally, I feel much safer knowing that the FBI can employ a bit of Brazilian jiu-jitsu when raiding an election office in Georgia. Who knows when you might need to throw a rear naked choke on a clerk trying to sneak away for their lunch break.
Now, you might be thinking, don’t FBI agents receive self-defense training at Quantico? “The FBI has a full complement of people who know how to train agents going out into the field in hand-to-hand combat,” former agent Chip Massey told NBC News. OK, but I assure you none of that stuff is “badass” or “alpha” enough for the modern dangers of our era.
They’ve never learned basic ground-and-pound strategies from “Iron” Mike Chandler, “Gamebred” Jorge Masvidal, or “The All-American” Chris Weidman. How else will the FBI know what a “gogoplata” is and why they might need to use it against a local police officer attempting to investigate a potential homicide? That evidence isn’t going to protect itself.
This is not the only USA/UFC collab, though. The “UFC Freedom 250” event will emanate from the White House grounds on 14 June, to coincide with both Donald Trump’s 80th birthday and the ramp up to the United States’s 250th anniversary.
Prepare to see all your favorite brain-liquifying action, but this time, in the shadow of the seat of global power and military might. For those with the requisite amount of testosterone to appreciate such clobberings, this is sure to be an evening to remember (or to not, depending on if you’re a fighter that ends up suffering a debilitating concussion during the proceedings).
All of this is in service of UFC becoming the country’s new, gore-tastic national pastime. I see no reason to reject these efforts. Why fight something that feels so appropriate for our times? Let the viscera wash over you and find zen in the gladiator games that are the United States of America at the ripe old age of 250.
And why stop with a quick training session and a televised supercard? Why not do a full Freaky Friday-style exchange program? Once these FBI agents become the kind of sharpened knife that only can be forged through the tutelage of MMA fighters, how about we see them step into the Octagon themselves? Think about how inspiring it will be to see our beloved G-Men throwing spinning backfists in the Las Vegas Sphere? It can remind us all that anything is possible with hard work, dedication and expensive private training from experts in the field.
Of course, any exchange has to go the other way, too. So, let’s get some UFC fighters into the FBI. Good luck trying to get away with securities fraud if you have Khamzat Chimaev on the case. Think it would be fun to go around honking your car horn during a protest? Sorry, Deiveson Figueiredo just shut off your engine remotely and is putting you in a Kimura Lock. Also, your arrest is being streamed live on Paramount+. The concurrent viewership is looking great, and oh, they just cut in for a Jardiance commercial where a type-2 diabetic is operating a hot-air balloon.
If any of this is even mildly depressing to you, I empathize. The world is changing rapidly, and that can be scary. But not as scary as Mackenzie Dern bodyslamming you for a provocative social media post. The two-and-a-half centuries of American life have all been building to this, the natural evolution of our culture. There are certainly better uses of federal resources, but I can’t think of any that are more appropriate. Time to crack open a BuzzBall and laugh at the five-car pile-up. Take it from a guy who’d know: “Death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back.”
Dave Schilling is a Guardian US columnist
