Last night, Keir Starmer performed as The Gambler in a tiny space with cheap scenery and three journalists. The Labour leader’s promise to resign if Durham police issue him with a fixed penalty notice looked like an off-off-off-Broadway production that can only run to four actors who play all the parts. (No spoilers, but some of the above will return in later scenes as the executioners). As such, it certainly marks a new entry into the annals of hilariously mad-looking press conferences. For me, the only thing missing was Tiger Woods’ mum sitting purse-lipped in the front row, like she was in 2010 when Tiger apologised to the world for his cocktail waitress habit. “Integrity” was the big buzzword on that occasion, as it was with Starmer yesterday, with Woods promising “to start living a life of integrity”. Didn’t win a major again for nine years. So … read into that what you will.
Starmer’s soliloquy certainly wasn’t good enough for the Daily Mail, which this morning has wet its collective pants that the Labour leader has had the temerity to answer the one question the Mail would have screamed at him for months if he hadn’t. As their Depend-wearing splash headline has it: “STARMER ACCUSED OF PILING PRESSURE ON POLICE”. I like the idea that you can “pressurise” the police. Can someone let me know how to do this, because I’m yet to receive so much as a callback over a burglary that took place over the Easter weekend. Happy to do an am-dram Tiger if necessary.
