The White Moose Cafe has hit back after a guest left an "awful" review saying they "liked nothing" about their stay.
The guest made a number of complaints about their stay in the Charleville Lodge Dublin which was heavily rebuffed by the associated White Moose Cafe.
The complainant said; the hotel was "super far away" from the city centre, the area is dangerous, the rooms were "old and dirty" and that they found "dirty bed sheets" and "hairs on the floor" of their room.
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The White Moose Cafe responded with a humorous denial of the claims in the complaint which included not being able to get a taxi from the city to the Phibsborough hotel.
They wrote on Facebook: "Firstly, you are totally right when you say that Charleville Lodge Dublin is super far from the city. Despite the fact that the Booking site you booked through says we’re 1.7km from the centre of Dublin, this is factually incorrect.
"In reality, Charleville Lodge is not located in the real Phibsborough, it’s located in the Phibsborough of a parallel universe. To access the real Charleville Lodge, you must travel several million light years.
"If you are lucky enough to pass an Einstein-Rosen bridge, colloquially known as a ‘wormhole’, you may get there sooner. This requires a tremendous amount of skill on the part of the taxi driver, however, and not all drivers have passed their interstellar exams just yet (when this happens you’ll be the first to know)."
They added: "In the meantime, taxis will continue to refuse to drive to Phibsborough, as their family will have aged by twenty years and their pet cat will be well over the rainbow bridge by the time they return."
In response to the dangerous area claim, the Cafe joked that they supply guests with "combat equipment" when leaving the hotel.
They said: "You are also entirely correct when you say that Phibsborough is dangerous. This is why we strongly recommend that all guests carry some form of weapon on their person when walking around.
"We have several baseball bats for hire at reception and a limited number of protective helmets. We hand out tactical combat equipment to guests every morning at dawn, but this is operated on a first come, first served basis, and given the demand for weaponry amongst our guests, we cannot always guarantee availability."
The popular cafe took the "old" comment as a positive and explained the reason for their wooden floors.
"When you say our building is old, I couldn’t agree more. Our hotel is a terrace of Victorian houses, dating back to 1894. When we modernised all rooms within the past 2 years, we placed hardwood floors in each of them.
"The main reason for this was to protect the floors against spillages. It is not uncommon that guests fall in the door after making the intrepid, inter-universal journey from Temple Bar and spill intoxicating liquor all over the floor."
Meanwhile, "extra-terrestrial being" were blamed for the "hair" and "dirty bed sheets" which the hotel found no evidence of.
They said: "In terms of “hairs on the floor” or “dirty bed sheets”, we did not find any evidence of this. However, it is not entirely impossible that these hairs were brought into your room by a neighbouring extra-terrestrial being.
"The bastards are all over the place here in the multiverse, and they’ve a terrible tendency to make themselves invisible when you go looking for them. That’s why I never hire aliens, if I’m honest."
The cafe concluded: "It’s unfortunate that you liked “Nothing. Absolutely nothing” and disliked 'Everything', but next time may I suggest doing some research on the property you’re going to stay in."
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