We’ve all been in that almost-relationship. Not quite a fling, but also not quite a partnership. Something that feels safe enough though to really lean into, but without the hard-launch on Instagram. For me, it lasted for nearly five months of regular dates, lowered shoulders, intimate shared stories and the quiet thrill of imagining a potential future with someone who seemed to really like me back. After years of choosing fleeting comfort over long-term commitment, this felt different: deeper conversations, openness, the sense that we were both on the same page. And then, shockingly, with one quick conversation over drinks, it wasn’t.
As I sipped on my chilled red with his hand on my knee, I was told, “You’re amazing, everything about you is perfect… but I think we should just be friends”. I was left stunned, my mouth agape whilst my brain thrashed around trying to understand how something that felt real could suddenly be rewritten as casual.
I was trapped in that bizarre limbo where your heart is bruised but your brain is scrambling for logic that doesn’t actually exist. And in true Carrie Bradshaw fashion, I couldn’t help but wonder: how does it feel to truly fumble someone, my good sir?
Because that’s what this was, on his part. A spectacular fumble.
What does it mean to be ‘fumbled’?
For those who are unaware of the term “fumbled” — to “fumble” someone in a relationship/someone you’re dating means to mess up your chances with a good person by making clumsy mistakes, taking them for granted and/or failing to appreciate them, which inevitably leads to losing the connection you had or could have had.
This person unfortunately “dumped” me the day before the anniversary of my mother’s passing which is terrible timing but what bothered me the most was when he liked both the tribute to my mother on my Instagram Stories and the piece I wrote honouring her on my website, queerful. That was the moment I skipped past confusion and landed squarely in anger. If you’re going to end things (especially with a flimsy excuse), you don’t also get quiet, low-effort access to my grief. You don’t get to hover around my life through likes and story views while opting out of actually showing up. If you’ve removed yourself, remove yourself properly. Which brings me to the bigger question: why do some men still try to linger on the edges of your world after they’ve chosen not to be in it?
As I spoke with both my queer babes and straight girlfriends, we realised that we have each experienced a person — and in most cases, a man — who loves-bombs so hard he gets scared and ultimately exits stage left. It’s an issue I want to uncover, thus I have sought help from my followers to get some stats on who has been “fumbled” and what was the immediate emotion they felt in the aftermath. Additionally, it made me realise that insecurity — at least in my experience — doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t care about sexuality, labels or who you love. Why would it? Insecurity is rooted in fear, not preference. It shows up wherever there’s vulnerability, regardless of the dynamic.
After retrieving the stats from my Instagram poll, there was an overwhelming 96 per cent who said they had been fumbled and 47 per cent who said it left them feeling confused with 25 per cent identifying with sadness, 19 per cent anger and gratefulness rounding it out with nine per cent. These results left me feeling equal parts sad and, selfishly, vindicated. The common thread seems to be that potential suitors aren’t fully honest about what they want. They might want you, because duh, but they’re not ready to show up in a way that allows you to take things to the next level. There’s a gap between desire and emotional readiness, and that gap is where things fall apart.
What’s more frustrating is that these “suitors” often assume you want, need or expect certain things that haven’t even been discussed. They project their fears onto you instead of having the conversation. That in itself is destructive, because when someone doesn’t trust themselves, it can leave you questioning how to trust them and even worse, how to trust your own judgement.
I felt it was important to get an expert opinion on the matter, so when speaking with Georgia Grace (@gspot), sexologist, therapist and co-founder of sexual wellness company Normal Co, she explained that you need to remember the five per cent rule. In a relationship, only a small fraction of what we feel is about the present connection, aka the five per cent, while the remaining 95 per cent is shaped by past experiences. If we’ve been in relationships that were unstable, chaotic, unsafe, or dismissive, those experiences can influence how we respond, even to someone who is caring and attentive. This insight reminded me that most of us are just trying to do our best in a world that feels increasingly uncertain and emotionally unsafe. Being fumbled doesn’t always mean you were misread or mishandled with malice, sometimes it’s the byproduct of someone operating from fear instead of clarity.
The social media rules
Georgia goes on to explain that although tempting, it’s a good idea to avoid social media post break up, and perhaps come up with an action plan to save yourself from further pain, at least during the healing process.
“This looks different for everyone, but constantly seeing their face can feel like a strange time warp, and it’s likely to shock your nervous system each time you open the app, that gut-dropping feeling we all know too well,” she told PEDESTRIAN.TV.
So when they start popping up in your notifications — liking, watching, reacting — it’s important to create the boundaries that protect you. That might look like temporarily muting them so their name doesn’t flash across your screen when you’re trying to regulate. It might mean removing them as a follower. And in some cases, yes, blocking is the most compassionate option, not as punishment, but as protection.
Boundaries aren’t dramatic; they’re maintenance. They stop you from re-opening a wound that’s still stitching itself back together.
Thankful for the fumble
My biggest takeaway? We should want the best for each other, even when the best isn’t each other. Not every connection is meant to last, but that doesn’t make it meaningless. Love, loss, situationships, the almosts — they’re all lessons. Each one leaves us a little clearer on what we actually want, what we won’t tolerate, and what we’re still learning about ourselves.
“Being fumbled is almost always a good thing… eventually,” Georgia said, which gave me hope. “In the moment, being fumbled doesn’t feel like it happened for a reason, like every goddamn person keeps promising. It will probably shake your sense of hope and safety but it can also teach us a lot about someone: how willing they are to work through challenges, how open they are to connection, and how they show up in uncertainty, how they communicate their needs.
“Down the track, we can see that it’s actually a good thing [we were fumbled], and we probably learnt a lot too.”
The post ‘What Was That?’: How To Recover From A Grade-A Fumble, From Someone Who Survived The Heartbreak appeared first on PEDESTRIAN.TV .
