When you’re dating someone, there is often a moment when things click. A moment of realization of just how much you like the person, or maybe even love them, and just how easily you can imagine a future with them. Right there—that’s when you truly know that they’re your person.
As monumental as such a moment is, a similarly strong realization can turn things the other way around. In one brief moment, you can also become painfully aware that the person you’re with is not someone you should be with at all.
Members of the ‘Ask Reddit’ community recently shared examples of both of the above in a thread started by one curious netizen. The latter asked redditors for something their partners or ex-partners said that changed the way they looked at them, and people had plenty of stories to share about how their relationships changed—for better or worse—after just one conversation.
On the list below you will also find Bored Panda’s interview with a clinical psychologist and marriage and family therapist, Dr. Randi Gunther, who was kind enough to answer a few of our questions on relationships and the role honesty plays in them.
#1
For me I guess it’s more confirmed than changed. My husband and I were at an amusement park recently with friends and their eight year old daughter who had gone through cancer treatment. She got on a daring ride that did loops and they told her she had to get off, even if she took off her prosthetic. She just looked at her parents and said “does this mean I can never go on upside down rides?” They were distracted and didn’t quite hear her or know what to do.
My husband said “f**k this, I’m not going to let her think that, time to be a Karen.” And he looked up the ADA and safety regulations on his phone, talked to every manager at the park, and then- even though he gets extremely motion sick- rode the ride with her after they agreed it actually was safe for her to do it.
It was the sexiest thing I have ever seen a person do.
Image credits: Raginghangers
#2
I started dating my boyfriend 4 months ago but it got pretty serious pretty fast. I am traveling across the country to see my family for the holidays and have mentioned how much I would love for him to join us. He just celebrates with friends so I didn’t think it would be a huge deal for him to miss a year. He dodged the question the first time it came up but told me last week “I really want to, but if I go with you for Thanksgiving, Steve won’t have anyone to celebrate with”
Steve is his 70 year old coworker. My boyfriend has had him over for Thanksgiving for the last 7 years because he doesn’t have family to spend it with, and he cannot bear the thought of leaving him here to celebrate alone.
I have always admired my boyfriend’s commitment to the village he has made for himself but that conversation really put it into perspective for me. I have a feeling he won’t be coming to my family’s Thanksgiving for as long as Steve is around… and honestly I love and admire him so, so much for it. He is such an incredible person.
Image credits: NurseryManager
#3
I think it's actually his response to the results of the election. I always have known he was a liberal and a Democrat. He supported Harris, but wasn't too vocal about it. After the results, he was devastated. He talked about his fears for women and immigrants, and he's been just crying for two days. He's now talked about how we need to support women more and what we can do for our immigrant neighbours.
I guess, I always knew he was a great guy. But now I am realizing, deep inside, he's a f*****g phenomenal guy. So glad I married this amazing human. He's an ally to all of us.
Image credits: mathnomad
Discussing the role honesty plays in relationships, clinical psychologist, marriage and family therapist Dr. Randi Gunther noted that many couples are authentic and open in some areas but not in all. Some people might have secrets, even from their partner, while others might appreciate their privacy too much to share every detail of their lives.
“Secrecy is different from privacy,” Dr. Gunther pointed out. “A secret means that one partner is distributing the resources of the relationship, for example, financial, sexual, availability, time, energy, options, and focus, without the knowledge of the other, that impacts the life of the partner not able to vote.
“Privacy may include things like private conversations with good friends, sexual fantasies, trauma from earlier relationships, humiliating decisions made in the past that do not affect the current relationship.”
#4
“He seemed sorry enough”
It was when I was assaulted by someone and in my panic I left my keys there. I was too afraid to get them back so my ex had to meet the guy who assaulted me to get the keys back. My ex said “he seemed sorry enough” after the meeting.
My ex for almost a month made me re-explain what happened nonstop. Eventually he flat out said he didn’t believe me. His mom was a police officer, she also blamed me.
Eventually I ended up meeting someone randomly and in my “f**k the world” downward spiral I told this stranger what happened to me. He told me I didn’t deserve it, hugged me, and apologized.
If a STRANGER can show more kindness than someone who says they love me, what the f**k?
I broke up with my ex that night.
Image credits: LDrunkling
#5
Before we got married my MIL was making oblique comments about changing my last name to my husband's.
We had talked about it, and I was leaning towards keeping my maiden name due to sheer laziness. His parents are pushy and can be weird about this sort of thing so the prodding was getting annoying and my husband noticed.
He told his mom: "I fell in love with FirstName - MaidenName, i don't have any idea who FirstName-HisLastName is, I'm marrying the woman I fell in love with"
When I tell you that I SWOONED. I wasn't expecting a declaration, and it was so validating, supportive, and just generally gave me this overwhelming feeling of "damn. I loved this guy before but he SEES me!"
It made me feel like a partner, an equal, like my agency was the most important thing to him and that he would actively protect and advocate for it in the marriage...
From then on I had strong feelings about keeping my name, and even stronger feelings for him. It was a small thing, but hearing how he considered me in that moment was the most attractive thing he's ever done and he's lived up to that standard since, it's also been an inspiration for me to meet him at that high bar as well. ?
Image credits: Angsty_Potatos
Be it revealing secrets, talking about life in general, or discussing sensitive issues with a partner, it’s important to be tactful and respectful, no matter how close or good the relationship is.
“Intimacy is highly correlated with authenticity but tact and diplomacy must be present,” Dr. Gunther emphasized. “When partners are best friends, they want to protect each other from the outside world and often are the only ones who will tell each other the truth. But ‘you are getting fat,’ will never go over as well as, ‘I’m concerned about your weight gain. Are you okay with it?’.”
#6
Not said but done. She found someone's debit card and used it to buy gas. She then called her friends and family so they could drain the card and fill thier tanks. I knew i had to cut her off.
Image credits: Dagger_26
#7
My beloved dog passed away after a year of me caretaking for him through kidney disease and cancer. I did everything I could to keep him feeling as well as possible is his last months, and keep him doing his favourite things (I’d push all 80 lbs of him in a wagon to the park just so he could lie in the sun). I rearranged my job so I could work from home, and got overlooked for a promotion because of this. His illness and passing was truly traumatic for me.
After he passed away, my husband said “the dog passing showed me your true colours in how selfish you are”. At that moment I knew he would never have my back, through anything.
Image credits: Ok_Object2781
#8
My ex was feeling under the weather and was telling me he needed to get over the counter medication and he had no idea what to get.
I was a nurse and recommended something, including how/when he should take it.
He scoffed, “You’re a nurse, a doctor’s assistant. You’re not even a pharmacist.”
I realized he didn’t respect me, or nurses, at all. We broke up a month after.
Image credits: luckygreenleaves
According to Dr. Gunther, trusting that your partner will hear you without judgment when you open up to them about vulnerable things in your life is crucial for the desire to continue opening up. It can consequently strengthen the relationship, too. “If a partner feels increasingly cherished the more open they become, of course it will make the relationship deeper and more loving.
“But if partners hit below the belt in a dispute by bringing up something vulnerable that the other shared in confidence, their partners are not likely to keep opening up,” she added. “Similarly, telling others those same kinds of vulnerabilities without permission will do the same.”
#9
I had an ex who I thought was totally normal. Until the first time I was with her in front of her grandparents. She was so rude and then told me afterward that she feels like the elderly are a waste and a drain on families and society. It didn’t last long after that.
Image credits: Jokes-For-Nudes
#10
My ex once casually mentioned that they 'don’t believe in apologizing' because they 'never do anything wrong.' That one sentence changed everything—I realized I’d never get accountability or real empathy from them.
Image credits: Outside-Flow-9510
#11
My ex told me if i ever got a cat, he’d do his best to run it over with his car because he hates cats.
That was after i told him i loved cats and wanted go volunteer in a shelter.
Image credits: dontbeahater_dear
But sometimes, honesty is not the key to a better relationship. On the contrary, it can bring it completely to a halt, as it did for some of the netizens in the stories on this list. For them, some of their partners’ honest opinions were too big of a red flag to continue the relationship.
According to Dr. Gunther, a red flag can be a deal breaker. “A relationship can be 90% perfect, but a deal breaker can live within that ten percent. Some are obvious at the beginning and, if not negotiable or resolvable, should end the relationship. But many people just can’t let go and keep pretending something will change that never will, until the relationship costs more than they can afford.
“Some deal breakers start off as simply annoying behaviors but, over time, will take the relationship down as one partner becomes ‘allergic’ to that behavior and begins to focus on it over the positives of the relationship.”
#12
My ex told me that the dinosaur bones were placed by God as a test of faith - and there was nothing I could say that would convince him otherwise. Then I realized that any potential children I had with him would likely be taught this by their father.
Image credits: alisongent
#13
Ngl one time my ex straight up told me he didn’t actually believe in tipping servers cuz "they should find better jobs"… like after that i just couldn’t see him the same way
Image credits: BabyyChloee
#14
On a positive note, my partner was able to be vulnerable with me about some seriously bad stuff that had happened to them. My respect for him reached a newfound level because of how he's tried to handle his life after these events. I'm so proud of him.
Image credits: noodle-goat
In order to avoid any deal breakers down the road or have to deal with significant unexpected red flags, it might be best for partners to try and make sure early on that they share the same values. “In the quality lasting relationships I have witnessed or helped to create, the couples know they are in parallel to the same values, ethics, and morals. That is the core of trust,” Dr. Gunther told Bored Panda.
Unfortunately for some of the people on the list, the things their partners have said clashed with their values. But for some others, the conversations only brought them closer together, showing that—for better or worse—honesty plays a significant role when it comes to people’s relationships.
#15
And old ex got unreasonably upset at me when I was late coming over after work because I helped a female coworker put her spare tire on. We were the only people there, and she didn't know how. She otherwise would have been stranded. When I saw that lack of empathy for another person I was out of there
Image credits: landlockedyeti
#16
My boyfriend at the time proudly declared that he’d never read a book cover to cover. He was 27.
Image credits: dixlapped
#17
The moment she dismissed my anxiety as just an ‘excuse for being lazy.’ It was like a switch flipped in my brain. I had been dealing with panic attacks and struggling to explain what life with anxiety really felt like. Then she just reduced it all to laziness. That’s when I knew she would never understand the battles I fight inside my own head. It wasn’t just unsupportive, it was invalidating my entire experience. Trust me, I wasn’t looking for sympathy—just a little empathy. It was a sobering reminder that not everyone can walk a mile in another’s shoes, nor even take a single step, and that was a deal-breaker for me.
Image credits: GeorgiaLaughs
#18
My ex told me it's unfair that women got their own train wagon and men don't. I explained it to him that it's to prevent women from being SA and creates a safe space for women especially while travelling during nighttime. He was furious and insisted men should get their own wagon. I absolutely agree that men are victims of SA as well but he couldn't fathom that this is an issue so many women deal with on a daily basis.
Image credits: DancingForRain_179
#19
Well, after he drank too much again, and was late to work again, and pitched a tantrum because it was all my fault apparently, then said if he gets fired he wold call my boss and get me fired. Yup, that was it. Never talked to him again after I shuffled him out of MY house. Only s**t boyfriend I ever had. But, he was a doozy!
Image credits: BnCtrKiki
#20
He told me he'd pick a beer over me any day.
Image credits: OKBbMaul
#21
They implied the Holocaust never happened. Game over.
#22
My ex once acknowledged that they never expected to find someone who accepted them for who they are. That changed my perspective on them, it brought us closer together and taught me the value of kindness.
Image credits: milfyymommy
#23
He would chuckle or sigh when I talked about anything remotely related to feminism.
Image credits: kahluashake
#24
He told me he was “so sad you’re going to hell
:((“ because i identified as bi.
i basically told him “see you there” cause mf cheated on me and assaulted me lmao
Image credits: glitterwhore420
#25
My ex once said "poor people are poor because they want to". He is a healthy white Swedish man, born to rich parents who are still together, and has always had all types of support and privileges. He also had a great-paying job in a different country and could work from his parents' boat whenever he wanted, which is where he said that to me.
He had previously complained about how annoying it was to have to celebrate his mother's birthday in Spain for second time in a row... Interestingly enough, he also was the cheapest (though one of the richest) man I've ever dated.
Image credits: Heretoholdmyhand
#26
I can't remember precisely the event or what was said, but at some point it became crystal clear to me that the only reason my wife married me was to show her parents that she was a Real Adult. Our entire marriage was a performance for her parents. I wasted 10 years of my life on that.
Image credits: oldfuturemonkey
#27
I deserved to be cheated on.
This was after we'd had a very long and VERY in-depth conversation regarding my concerns for how close they were growing with my best friend at the time.
Image credits: localwageslave
#28
Tried to defend Trump. A black man supporting a bigot. Blocked
Image credits: flappy_twat
#29
I used to be a sucker for green eyes. I had a blonde ex with green eyes and I complimented him on his eyes once. He said “I wish they were blue.” I asked why? He said “so I’d look more aryan.” Relationship did not last long
Image credits: an_entropic_escapism
#30
My STBX-husband has said a lot of things that made me change how I see him, but I think the one that really did it was when he told me 'I don't love you, I only married you for your passport, and I want a divorce'. He was drunk and, to this day, claims he just wanted to be nasty and didn't mean it... but that's a line you don't cross.
Image credits: Burtonish
#31
They told me that they thought being gay was a mental disorder. She said this also knowing my mom is a lesbian and my youngest brother are gay. Shortly after I found out I was deploying broke it off with her right before.
Image credits: anon
#32
My manipulative and coercive ex blamed me for the pandemic and his state going into lockdown - insane
#33
He said to me, 'I love that you don't need me to feel entire.' This impacted me hard since it was the first time I felt understood and supported in my independence.
#34
Ermm, either "boundaries are made to be broken" or "women are so easy to manipulate (said while drunk)" or the real brain twister "I can't promise to be faithful, I'll tell you first". I've been gone now a few years, it's been an adventure dissecting different statements as normal vs. not normal...
Image credits: BoiledMushrooms
#35
I was in the hospital after emergency surgery (complications from a c section the week before). My (now ex) husband wouldn’t answer my calls. Finally my doctor called from the hospital phone and he answered. She told him what was happening and he said “call me if she dies” and hung up.
Later after surgery when I was in the most pain of my entire life and scared out of my mind, I called him. He answered and just sat in silence for a minute listening to me cry. Then he said to me “what have I told you about calling me when you’re crying” and hung up. Didn’t answer the phone for me again for almost a week.
(I should note we were both active duty military and stationed in different places, so our primary means contact was by phone at that time)
That marriage did not last a long time.
#36
Grew up poor, had financial assistance at school as a result, not much at all, enough to pay for a driving lesson a week, I also worked part time to support myself. Ex said to me in front of our friends that financial support for students should be abolished and people who have it are leaches on society.
His mum paid for everything for him, he never needed a job and had one for two days when he joined the place I started working at 'to see what I was up to.'
Yeah, bye.
#37
My ex partner told me that he didn’t support same sex marriage (this was around the time when Australia had to vote for the same sex marriage plebiscite).
It was a deal breaker!
Image credits: Extension_Repair8501
#38
My ex (who was stupid mind you) declared one day there was nothing left for him to learn at his ripe age of 32
Image credits: Former-Spread9043
#39
My ex told me his parents raised him to believe that "therapy is at the bottom of a bottle".
And then the depth of his emotional issues instantly made sense.
Image credits: Ashamed-Lifeguard-70
#40
My ex partner- That I was 'too emotional' to be around after I found out he dropped my elderly dog off at the vets and told them he was abandoned and put him down.
That my energy was 'chaotic' after he manipulated me into leaving my house with my children so he could move back in with his new gf. 2 months after we split.
There were a lot of red flags during the decade we were together, but boy, did he show all his colours when we split.
Image credits: dougtrudyjudy
