Get the tune right, like Gough’s “It’s Time”, and you’ll cement your place in political history. Get it wrong and you’ll join Theresa May in the sixth layer of hell, hopping, skipping and jumping your way through ABBA’s “Dancing Queen”.
Having worked in the distant past on political campaigns and in the rock street press, Crikey humourist Tom Red is well placed to shed some light on the ancient art of song selection.
The Liberal Party
According to Scott Morrison’s personal pollster and branding consultant, Tina Arena’s music was the most useful demographic fit for his daggy dad rebranding. But that doesn’t automatically mean her songs would be a good fit for a campaign launch. For example, Morrison would be well-advised to steer clear of bangers such as “Chains” or “I Want Your Body” for obvious reasons. Even “Sorrento Moon” is problematic now, given Greg Hunt is retiring and the Mornington Peninsular is filthy with teal-tinged Climate 200 types. Here’s the Liberal Party’s current shortlist, which was found in the Parliament House prayer room, among other items.
“Working in a Coal Mine” (DEVO)
Pro: A fantastic dance track bursting with steamy double entendres that a few old faces will enjoy from their new spots on the backbench. The track has lots of razzle dazzle but is essentially meaningless. Which is bang on brand. And, importantly, the big donors will dig it.
Con: The donors will be seen digging it.
“The Only Way Is Up” (Yazz)
Pro: Anthemic, over-caffeinated and impeccably positive, this Yazz belter is a clever subliminal nod to the late 1980s and the giddy thrill of leveraged buyouts and late-stage Thatcherism. Peter Costello and Alexander Downer will bust a move.
Con: You’ve been at the helm for nine years but the only way is up? That’s not clever marketing, it’s a bedside confession.
“Coal Makes Me Cum” (DJ Scomo + The Chaser)
Pro: Rush-released straight after the recent leaders’ debate, this track is funky, fresh and new. It’s topical and edgy, not something people usually associate with the Liberal Party brand. It’s also searingly honest.
Con: None. They really should use it. Really.
The Labor Party
No stranger to the wheels of steel, DJ Albo will no doubt have final say over which anthem he bounds onto the stage to at the campaign launch in Perth on Sunday. We were lucky to find what appeared to be a Labor shortlist in a dog park in Stanmore, scribbled on the back of a craft beer coaster.
“Working Class Man” (Jimmy Barnes)
Pro: It’s popular and just about on brand. Because Barnsey is a mate of Albo, he’s unlikely to forbid him from using it, as Johnny Marr from The Smiths famously did to David Cameron.
Con: Could remind the rusted-ons just how far the party has drifted. While “Aspirational Class Man” would be more apt, it’s a bugger to rhyme. “Working Class Man” was also written in America, by an American, about Americans, and is therefore totally devoid of any antipodean references.
“Who Can It Be Now?” (Men at Work)
Pro: Catchy, memorable and defiantly Aussie. Harking back to the early 1980s, it’s a subliminal nod to the joyous, hopeful dawn of the Hawke–Keating era, back when being Labor was something you could cop to without the uncomfortable clarifications.
Con: Who can it be now? Well, exactly. Not even the Young Libs could mess that meme up. Or could they?
Blitzkrieg Bop (Hey Ho, Let’s Go) The Ramones
Pro: Exciting, inclusive and overtly active. Its title directly addresses Labor’s perceived weakness on all things khaki. Being from the Left, Albo could have picked that other Ramones classic, “The KKK Took My Baby Away”. The fact he didn’t would speak to his growing maturity as a leader. Or perhaps to his total capitulation to the impure centrists — it depends on which Marrickville micro-brewery you’re in at the time.
Con: It came out more than 45 years ago and the original members are now long dead. The Ramones legend continues today, but only on young supporters’ branded T-shirts. They happily wear the logo, but without really knowing why it all mattered so much once. Not unlike the Labor Party.
