Welcome to FTW Explains, a guide to catching up on and better understanding stuff going on in the world. This is FTW Explains: The Olympics. This one has a twist.
If you’ve ever watched the Olympics, you’ve almost surely wondered what it’s like to be an elite athlete out there competing on the world’s biggest stage. If you ever played or wanted to play an Olympic sport, you’ve probably dreamed of competing at the Games, regardless of how realistic that dream was.
So for the 2024 Paris Olympics, we here at For The Win are trying to put ourselves in the literal shoes of athletes, imagining what sports we’d love to excel at and which ones we’d maybe pass on.
RELATED: Meet some of Team USA’s best athletes at the 2024 Paris Olympics
What Summer Olympic sport would you love to be elite at?
Mike Sykes: Skateboarding. Skaters seem like the chillest people on Earth. They may not be the richest athletes or whatever, but I feel like the sponsorships they get are super cool. And they make enough money to sustain my terrible habit of purchasing sneakers I don’t need. I’d be good with that.
Michelle Martinelli: Swimming, no question. There was a time when I would have sacrificed just about anything — logical or totally nonsensical — if it meant being an elite swimmer competing for a spot on an Olympic roster. I’m clearly far from an Olympic swimmer. But swimming is my one true love, so if time travel and cosmic bargaining become options, I’d probably still make any trade.
Prince Grimes: Football. Or as we like to call it ’round here, soccer. And this has nothing to do with any sort of love I have for the sport. I just saw what Apple paid Messi and thought that’d be nice for me too.
Cory Woodroof: My disastrous coordination prevents me from being good at really any sports, but I’d absolutely love to be elite at carrying in the flag to the Olympic Opening Ceremony. I’d love to get a gold medal in carrying the flag and then just going to the stands to sit down.
Meghan Hall: Gymnastics. I thought I WAS Dominique Dawes growing up. Obviously, I’m not nearly as talented, but I got the height DOWN. Can you imagine me with knees that actually work and talent that won’t get me laughed out of the stadium?! BOW DOWN, PEASANTS. Your gold medals COULD NEVER.
Mary Clarke: Fencing. Swords are cool and learning to wield one professionally sounds so fun. Sure, swimming or gymnastics might get you more household name recognition, but consider: SWORDS!!!
Robert Zeglinski: Swimming. You’re telling me I could swim a few hundred laps a day in a massive pool of water and proceed to eat whatever I want for “fuel?” Uh, sign me up immediately.
Andrew Joseph: I feel like basketball is the obvious answer because it would be awesome to be an NBA player… and have an NBA contract.
Mitchell Northam: In high school, I was an extremely average shot put thrower. Being elite in that seems kind of cool, but far less fun than some other sports. Thinking a bit bigger here, I’m going to say archery, mostly because of comic books. Like, imagine just being Hawkeye, or Bullseye, and just being able to hit anything with an arrow. Is this a skill that would be useful or practical in everyday life? Probably not. But would it be neat to show off every now and then? Absolutely yes.
Christian D’Andrea: Golf. Oh, I get to make millions of dollars a year playing a game others spend thousands of dollars to play each year? And when I’m old and can barely move, I get to play against other old dudes who can barely move? Easy.
Bryan Kalbrosky: Basketball. Have you seen how cool Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson looked in those USA Basketball hats in 1992? I would do anything for one of those neat snapbacks with the blue brim and green underneath. I don’t even want to be elite enough to take away minutes from anyone on the roster. I kind of just want the authentic merch and a front row seats to the games. By the way, artistic swimming gets an honorable mention here. My haters would rue the day they doubted me.
What Summer Olympic sport would you not want to be elite at?
Sykes: The triathlon is the easy answer here. That seems absolutely miserable. The event itself is so grueling I can’t even bring myself to imagine what the training is like. I’d rather keep my sanity. Shoutout to the triathletes, though. I respect you so much.
Michelle: Cycling, of any kind really. But particularly track, road and mountain cycling. Have you seen some of Olympic cycling accidents? Terrifying, especially when athletes become roadkill and run each other over.
Prince: Rugby Sevens. By the way, why do they call it Rugby Sevens? Anyway, nothing about a rugby scrum or being hit with a blindside tackle seems particularly exciting.
Cory: Diving. The world does not need me jumping off a diving board and doing twists and flips of any sort. It wouldn’t go well. I’d probably get hurt. It’d scare the children at home. It’s a bad idea.
Meghan: Badminton. Nothing about Badminton says ELITE to me. But you better believe if I ever nailed an on-court serve that was medal-worthy, YOU WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO SHUT ME UP. Excuse me, the Olympic queen is coming through. Meghan Hall, first of her name, crusher of badminton souls and expectations.
Mary: The triathlon. The idea of a long-distance endurance race has me gasping for air already. Plus, you have to be good at not just one sport but three. Hard pass for me.
Robert: Boxing. Listen, I also cover American football. Boxing is probably the one sport that is truly worse from a head damage perspective. I would generally like to keep most of my (remaining) brain cells, thank you very much.
Andrew: Skateboarding with a doubt. Even the best skateboarders of all-time have more orthopedic injuries than they can remember. It brings all the physical risks of sports like boxing and football – but with little financial benefit unless you’re Tony Hawk. I’d prefer to not live in constant pain.
Mitchell: I’m totally out on cycling. I’m a big guy, and bikes have been uncomfortable and unfun for my entire life. Not on a road, not on a track, not on a trail, not anywhere.
Christian: Triathlon. I get bored watching extra-long episodes of The Bear. Not a chance in hell I could get through six hour training sessions, even if I didn’t have the cardio of a senior citizen.
Bryan: Table tennis. No one would believe me if I told them I was an Olympian, and they’d laugh when I said it was table tennis. Plus, I’d never be able to play a full, relaxed game with my friends when we were around a ping pong table again. Although it might give me the practical skills to finally beat my mom at pickleball one day, I’d rather her have than over me still anyway.
