When I arrived at L’Albereta, my body was at breaking point. Workers in the UK had just been treated to their first bank holiday of the spring, Good Friday, which I should have taken as an opportunity to relax and recuperate, instead of diligently rebranding it as “Bad Friday” with a string of messy nights out. I was not well — colds, cystitis, migraines, the lot.
So, with my lingering congestion and exhaustion, I bundled myself onto a flight to Milan Linate. Two hours later, I was en route to L’Albereta Relais and Chateaux, also known as the “Soho Farmhouse of Milan.” And with the speedy flight and 50 minute transfer, it wasn’t that much more taxing than getting to the actual Soho Farmhouse.
L’Albereta is a 19th-century residence in the countryside of Erbusco, a short distance from Lago d’Iseo, the small, intimate cousin of Lake Como. It’s nestled between the rolling Franciacorta vineyards, which are renowned for their excellent sparkling wine. But I was not there for the sparkling wine: sparkling wine is what got me into this mess. Instead, my plan was to visit L’Albereta’s newly refurbished Chenot spa, for four days of enforced detox.
The Chenot spa is a state of the art health and wellness facility that lies below the gardens of L’Albereta. Above ground, there’s a bar, a fine dining restaurant, a pizzeria and 53 rooms, suites, and villas in which its guests reside, as well as a Chenot restaurant specifically reserved for detoxers.
The Chenot method is a detox and diet treatment that aims to heal and reverse ageing. There’s a lot of detail about its traditional Chinese medicine roots and focus on restoring “energy centres”, so let me give you the factual highlights. You are limited to 850 calories a day. You go through a minimum of three spa treatments daily, primarily made up of hydrotherapy, mud baths and cupping massages. And you undergo medical testing to help identify what’s wrong with you, and how to improve it.
This was the part I was most interested in, though obviously I’m not going to turn down a mandatory daily bubble bath and massage. For a 26-year-old woman, I get sick a lot. For a while, I have been plagued with the worry that something is deeply wrong with me.
Thankfully, there isn’t. I found this out on day two, after a lifestyle biomarkers meeting, bio-energetic checkup and medical consultation. This involves a blood test, a conversation about your typical diet and a test to see which of your “energy centres” are experiencing stress. I was dubious of this chakra-esque element, but the Chenot professional did correctly identify my liver and feet as being under stress, which was wholly correct. What was even more interesting, though, was the result of my blood and medical tests: I’m vitamin B and C deficient, which explains all the sickness, as well as under hydrated and oversaturated with salt (I replied to the doctor, “That is because I love salt.”) But, on the plus side, I apparently have the metabolism of a 23-year-old. Huzzah!
Equally illuminating was how little I could recall about my own diet, which tends to be made up of roughly 50 per cent Pret and 50 per cent Deliveroo. But with Chenot, I was forced to eat balanced meals, even if they were minimal and I was hungry half the time. They aren’t exactly fine dining, despite being fine dining portion-sized, but you will find yourself eerily satisfied with the clever choice of foods. Chia seed puddings, nuts and yoghurt for breakfast, soups and un-fatty meats make up a lot of the meals. I’m shocked to admit that since leaving, I have craved these tiny meals on the regular.
As for the relaxing portion of the detox, guests go through a three-stage process each day. First, there is hydrotherapy, which is essentially a targeted jacuzzi with jets that alternate between each of your muscles. It is basically just having a bath, but something about the complete lack of stimulus (no books, no phones, hands stay in the tub) makes it very meditative. Then there’s a mud wrap, which could lull anyone into a strange bog-like sleep. And then an intensive cupping massage with focus on the guest’s energy centres. It’s not quite as relaxing as a standard massage, but it definitely loosens the knots.
Repeating these methods for days — the recommended minimum number of days for a detox stay to be effective is seven — is sure to restore, and, let’s be real, shed some pounds. I only tried it for two before giving up and tucking into some nocellara olives and (sorry, I’m weak) sparkling wine, and even that somehow managed to slim me down and reveal some lingering hints of tone in my muscles.
This is the true benefit of L’Albereta. You can go for the detox downstairs, then emerge from the depths when you’re ready and sit on a terrace sipping Franciacorta’s finest as the golden hour sun dips below the horizon. The other dining options must be explored, especially in the pizzeria, which offers world renowned chef Franco Pepe’s famous Margherita Sbagliata (soon coming to London). The hotel bar overlooks the vineyards, which means you can sip wine as you directly eye its source — so much for farm to table, I’m all about vineyard to glass. Plus, there’s sprawling nature all around L’Albereta, with cycling and walking routes to the nearby Lago d’Iseo, where visitors can swim if they so choose.
As for the detox: I didn’t expect to enjoy it, but if I could do it every time I’d had a big weekend, I absolutely would. I’m pretty sure it healed me.
