Who doesn’t love a good joke? A well-timed pun with an excellent punchline that people can’t help but giggle at. Said in the right place at the right time, jokes can become pure comedy gold, which is something many people will try to retell or at least, replay in their heads every once in a while.
Members of the ‘Ask Reddit’ community recently shared jokes that live rent-free in their head, after one of them started a thread about it. Netizens recalled all sorts of jokes, from one-liners to those requiring a more extensive buildup, so if you’re eager to expand your collection of funny icebreakers or quips to tell at family get-togethers, wait no longer and scroll down to browse some amusing content on the list below.
#1
A police officer pulls over a semi truck. He gets the usual license and registration, but hears strange noises coming from the trailer, so he decides to investigate. Inside, he finds 50 penguins.
“Sir, why do you have 50 penguins in your truck?” The officer asks the driver
“Well, they’re my friends, and we like to go on journeys together in my truck” the man replies
“I’m sorry sir, but you can’t just own 50 penguins. I’m afraid you’re going to have to take them to the zoo”
The man agrees and drives off. The next day the same cop pulls the truck over again, and once again hears strange noises in the trailer. He goes to check and finds the same 50 penguins.
“I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday!” The cop angrily tells the driver
“I did take them to the zoo! They loved it! Today we’re going to the beach”.
Image credits: pplazzz
#2
It must suck having gay parents. You either get twice the normal amount of dad jokes or stuck in an endless loop of go ask your mother.
Image credits: markymark0123
#3
Norm told this best:
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him:
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the bartender.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"
"Yeah!" the bartender replies.
"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.
"Of course," the bartender replies.
"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "What would they want with a plasterer???".
Image credits: imref
#4
My friend got me an elephant for my room. I said thanks and she said, don’t mention it.
Image credits: JustbyLlama
#5
An Irishman walks into a bar. He orders two shots, drinks them both, and then leaves.
The next day, the Irishman returns, orders another two shots, drinks them both, and then leaves.
He continues to do this for some time, when one day the bartender questions him, “How come you always order exactly two shots?”
The Irishman replies, “well, you see my brother and I used to go out drinking every night, but he lives across the country now, so every night, I order two drinks. One for myself, and one for my brother.”
Things remain the same for a while until one day the Irishman comes in and orders only one shot. The bartender becomes concerned and asks him “how come you’re only ordering one shot? Did something happen to your brother? Is he ok?”
The Irishman replies, “of course not, my brother’s fine. I just quit drinking”.
Image credits: Mr_TigerZ
#6
What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Phillope.
Image credits: magusmccormick
#7
How do you tell the difference between an electrician and a chemist?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized.".
Image credits: SailBoatFuel
#8
How do you make holy water? Easy. Just boil the hell out of it.
Image credits: chazbo26
#9
I was driving down the road and saw a hitchhiker. Being in a generous mood, I decided I’d give him a ride. After I picked him up and we started on down the road, he was very thankful, but said “you aren’t scared that I could be a serial k*ller or something?” So I chuckled, looked at him and said “the chances that we are both serial k*llers is probably pretty low, don’t you think?”.
Image credits: Low_cards
#10
I couldn't work out why the ball was getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
Image credits: sparkysparks666
#11
An old man is lying on his death bed with his wife at his side. They had 3 kids but the last one, Steve, looked nothing like the first 2 so he was always suspicious. The old man looked at his wife and says: "Hunny, it doesn't matter at this point but I need to know. Is Steve my son?" His wife smiles and says: "I swear to you, he is your son". The old man then dies peacefully. Then his wife says: "thank god he didn't ask about the first 2".
Image credits: AlphyCygnus
#12
What do dark humor and food have in common?
Not everybody gets it.
Image credits: Joe-Schmeaux
#13
Short and sweet. A man and a young boy are walking together, deep in a creepy forest.
The young boy says: I'm scared...
The man replies: I'm the one who has to walk back alone...
Image credits: SassiesSoiledPanties
#14
There's this guy, Dave who absolutely hates going to the doctor. Luckily for him, his brother Henry is a veterinarian. So anytime Dave is sick, he tells Henry and Henry will say "look I'm not a doctor but here is what I would do and the medicines I would take".
One day Dave breaks his leg so he calls up his brother and tells Henry he broke his leg. Henry is quiet for a bit and then says "Dave, I've got bad news".
Image credits: CluelessDinosaur
#15
What's the difference between a dirty transit hub and a lobster who's had plastic surgery? One's a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean.
Image credits: rentiertrashpanda
#16
A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say “nice tie!” Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later, the voice said “beautiful shirt“.
At this, the man called the bartender over. “Hey…I must be losing my mind,” he told the bartender. “I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there’s not a soul in here but us.”
“It’s the peanuts,” answered the bartender.
“Say what?”
“You heard me,” said the barkeep. “It’s the peanuts … they’re complimentary.“.
Image credits: Catastophic_Fantasy
#17
Knock knock
Hike.
Hike who?
Unsuspecting friend.
I await with baited breath.
Sets the perfect trap.
Image credits: NSA_Chatbot
#18
NSFW but hilarious…
A penguin has his car break down and takes it in to get serviced on a hot summer’s day. While he’s waiting, he notices an ice cream parlor across the street. He heads over and gets a nice, big, vanilla ice cream cone and sits on the curb and eats it.
Since it’s so hot outside, it melts a bit and gets all over the place, especially around his beak.
Just then the mechanic calls to him and says his car is ready.
He heads inside, where the mechanic tells him, “looks like you blew a seal.”
The penguin responds, “oh, no, it’s just a little ice cream.”.
#19
What do you call a magical dog?
A Labracadabrador.
That joke makes me chuckle every time it passes through my brain.
Image credits: The_difficult_bit
#20
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator.
Image credits: sasquatchfuntimes
#21
How do you think the unthinkable?
... With an itheberg.
#22
An old preacher, a renowned scholar, a rich businessman, and a young boy were riding on a small plane.
The engine fails and the pilot tells the passengers: "We're going down, but we only have 4 parachutes. One of us will have to stay, but it ain't gonna be me!" He grabs a parachute and jumps.
The scholar gets out of his seat and says, "I'm too smart to die!". He also grabs a parachute and jumps.
Once the businessman sees this, he says, "I'm too rich to die!". He grabs the third parachute and jumps.
The preacher looks at the young boy and says, "I've lived a long life, but you're still young. Take the last parachute and live."
The boy responds, "Thank you sir, that's very kind of you. But we can both survive."
Confused, the preacher asks, "What do you mean? We only have one parachute left."
To which the boy responds, "Before the scholar jumped, he grabbed my backpack.".
#23
One of my go to's I actually found on here a while back:
What's brown, and rhymes with snoop?
Dr dre.
Image credits: butterflypuncher
#24
A grocer is restocking the vegetables when a woman taps him on the shoulder and says “Excuse me Sir, but where do you keep the spinach?” The man replies “Well ma’am we’re out of spinach today, but we get some more tomorrow so come back then.”
The woman nods and walks away while the grocer continues stocking the carrots. A few minutes later the same woman taps the grocer on the shoulder and asks “Sir, I was wondering where I could find the spinach?” Confused, the grocer says “Well ma’am we are out of spinach today. However, we will have more tomorrow morning. Come back tomorrow.”
The woman smiles and thanks him as she walks away. Shaking his head, the grocer turns his attention back to the carrots. Moments later the woman again taps him on the shoulder and asks “Pardon me, but do you know where the spinach is?”
The grocer looks at her angrily and says “Let me ask you something. How do you spell dog, like in dogmatic?” The woman replies “D-O-G” “Okay” says the grocer. “Now how do you spell cat, as in catatonic?” “C-A-T” says the woman. “Perfect” the grocer replies. “Now how do you spell f**k, as in spinach?” She replies, "sure, F - U - ... wait a sec ... there is no f**k in spinach.”
The grocer says “THAT’S THE POINT LADY!".
#25
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,
“When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a*s.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his a*s.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
#26
A guy from the city is out driving in the country.
He passes a farm and sees the farmer holding a pig up, so the pig can eat apples out of an apple tree. The city slicker has never seen anything like that, so he stops, hops the fence and approaches the farmer.
"What in the world are you doing?" the city slicker asks.
"Holdin' up mah pig, so he can eat apples out tha tree," the farmer says.
"Why not shake the tree, and let your pig eat the apples off the ground?" the city slicker says. "Wouldn't that save a lot of time?"
"Well," the farmer says, "What's time to a pig?".
Image credits: Identical_Stranger
#27
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the dumb guys house.
Knock, knock. Who's there?
It's the chicken.
Image credits: EastSideNick
#28
A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender tell him "Sorry, we don't serve strings here. Get out."
The string walks out and unravels one end of himself and ties himself up a few times and walks back in and orders a drink. The bartender says "Aren't you the string that was just in here?"
The string replies >!"No, I'm a frayed knot"!<
Heard this joke probably 23 years ago. Still love it and tell it to people.
Image credits: Sa7aSa7a
#29
George W Bush was sitting at his desk in the Oval Office when an aide came in.
“Sir, here is today’s list of casualties from the coalition in Iraq. I’m sorry to say that we lost a Brazilian.
Bush dropped his head into his hands. “Oh no…oh no…oh no…”
The aide felt bad. He had never seen him so distraught. “Sir, is there anything that I can do for you?”
Bush looked up and asked with pain visible in his eyes. “Yes…just tell me…how many is a Brazilian?”
(The subject probably dates me!).
Image credits: heretomeetthedog
#30
I actually just heard it today.
Jeffrey Dalmer ate Five Guys before it was even a restaurant.
Image credits: ailish
#31
How many New Yorkers does it take to change a lightbulb? “None of your f*****g business.”.
Image credits: NancyintheSmokies4
#32
So many years ago I was shopping for groceries and standing in the aisle with the honey and syrup. An older gentleman casually walked up to me and said, "What's the hardest part of licking molasses? Spreading their little cheeks." Then he walked off.....funny joke and random encounter 10/10.
#33
A Mexican magician tells his audience for his last trick he will make himself disappear! He starts uno, dos … poof … he disappears without a tres.
#34
A man goes to his doctor. Doc says,”I have good news and bad news”…….the man says give me the good news first. “Ok, you 24 hours to live”. The man shots back, “that’s horrible! What could be worse than that?”. “I was supposed to call you yesterday“.
#35
A duck walks into a pharmacy and walks up to the counter. “I’d like some Chapstick”, he tells the pharmacist. “How are you going to pay for that?” the pharmacist asks. The duck replies “Just put it on my bill”.
#36
A family is visiting the zoo; mom, dad, and their young son. As they’re looking at the elephants the boy asks his mother: “Mommy, what’s that hanging off the elephant?” She replies: “That’s his trunk!” The little boy says: “No, no! On the other end!” She replies: “That’s the elephants tail.” The little boy says: “No! No! Next to his leg!” The mom gets flustered and says: “Oh, it’s nothing! Go ask your father!” The little boy asks his father the same questions, ending up frustrated and saying: “No! No! No! What’s that next to his leg?” The father replies: “Well son, that’s the elephant’s p**is” The little boy thinks for minute, and asks his father: “Well, why did mommy say it was nothing?” Father replies: “Well son, your mom is a little spoiled”
~rim shot~.
#37
A woman wakes up on her birthday, and says to her husband "Honey, I had a dream last night that you gave me a diamond necklace for my birthday. What do you think it means?" Her husband smiles and says "Maybe tonight you'll find out." Later that night, the couple go out to a nice show, and have dinner at their special place. At the end of the meal, the husband takes out a small gift-wrapped box, gives it to his wife, and says, "Happy Birthday honey" The wife opens the box and inside is a book titled "How to Interpret Your Dreams.".
#38
My mom told me there is a weirdo on every bus. I've never found him. - Steven Wright.
Image credits: LadyTreeRoot
#39
Mozart died a long time ago and was buried in the local cemetery. The groundskeeper was doing his job and all of a sudden heard something odd. In a panic, he ran to the pope and yelled. Pope! Pope! Come with me there’s something you have to hear!! So the two of them run back to the cemetery and they heard Mozart’s Fifth symphony, and they looked at each other puzzled, but they stayed listening and then they heard the fourth symphony then the third symphony and then the second played and all the sudden it dawned on the pope and he looked at the ground keeper and said “son you do not need to worry Mozart is just de-composing!”.
#40
Not a joke exactly. One time me and my dad and his employ where just standing outside and a bird pooped on my dad's head and his employee started to run off and my dad's like where are you going? And the guy says to get some toilet paper, and my dad says why it will fly away before you get back.
#41
Three little old ladies are sitting on a park bench. Suddenly, a pervert in nothing but a trench coat stops in front of them, opens his coat and flashes them!
Two of the little old ladies immediately have a stroke. The third one couldn't quite reach.
#42
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
#43
When I was little, I would ask my mom to tell me this story/joke over and over and it would make me crack up. She said that there was a dude, and he had heard they were drafting men to a war. But he didn’t want to go to war, so he pulled out all his teeth bc I guess that would prevent him from getting drafted. Then when the recruiters came and made all the men line up to be inspected, the first thing they looked at was his feet. And they said “we can’t recruit you. You have flat feet.” And that’s it. That’s the joke.
#44
Why does a chicken coup only have 2 doors?
If it had 4, it’d be a chicken sedan.
And, why do seagulls fly over the sea?
If they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
Image credits: giveme-adundie
#45
A man dies and goes to hell. He's met by a big ugly demon who tells him he must choose his eternal punishment behind one of 3 doors.
Behind the first door is endless fire, everyone and everything is burning.
Behind the second door is ice. Everything is frozen, people's limbs break off, etc.
Behind the 3rd door, everyone is standing up to their chests in s**t, but they're drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes.
Guy's like, well I don't want to burn or freeze, and they're all drinking coffee and smoking, seems actually kinda nice. So he chooses door 3.
He wades down into the excrement and sloshes his way to the coffee pot and pours his first cup. Around 5 minutes later, the demon enters the room and says, "Alright everyone, break's over. Stand on your heads!".
#46
Blind man walks into a hardware store with his seeing eye dog. Picks the dog up by its tail and starts swinging it around over his head. Manager walks up and asks:
“Hello, sir. Can I help you?”
Blind man replies: “Nah. Just looking around.”.
Image credits: pomdudes
#47
What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
#48
Two muffins are sitting in an oven
one muffin turns to the other and says "damn its getting hot in here"
the other muffin exclaims "holy s**t a talking muffin".
Image credits: jtowndtk
#49
It's a silly dad joke one but it goes like this
"What has five toes and isn't your foot?"
"My Foot".
#50
I once saw “If you took a s**t please give it back” written in a bathroom stall. Still makes me chuckle.
Image credits: CryptoSlovakian
#51
Did you hear about the pirate that bought himself a pair of earrings for $2? That’s not bad for a buccaneer!
#52
A man is in a bar and overhears a group of women with a strong English accent.
He walks over and asks "Excuse me, are you women from Scotland?"
One of the women angrily replies "It's Wales!"
The man replies, "I'm sorry, are you Whales from Scotland?".
#53
Short, simple, and a dad joke but it still makes me laugh as much now at 33 as when I was 10 or 11 and first read it:
"There are two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says 'you drive, I'll do the shooting.'".
#54
How do you make a handkerchief dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
Image credits: Ninnaoverthere
#55
From a book I read to my daughter 20 years ago:
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Howie
Howie who?
I’m fine. Howie you?
#56
I still giggle at this one my friend told me a few months ago:
Person A: Did you hear about the celebrity who was stabbed?
Person B: No, what was her name?
Person A: Reese something
Person B: Witherspoon?
Person A: No with a knife
or the classic “I can’t believe they’re still together after all the s**t they’ve been through… your a*s cheeks”.
#57
This one relies on the delivery.
"What does a 300 pound canary say?"
And then, as loud as you possibly can, shout CHIRP!
#58
The cop who asked the speeder what his excuse was.
The speeder says, my wife ran off with a cop last week, I figured you where bringing her back.
#59
My grandmother hit me with the best joke I’ve ever heard in my life. I was about 12 when she told me this.
“A male potato chip and a female chip walk into a bar… the female chip goes to the bathroom. A different female chip walks up and asks the male chip… so… are you Herr’s or Frito Lay…”
Free to lay. Man. My grandmother was an absolute queen.
#60
So I was over at Jeffrey Dahmer’s house and asked if he had any lettuce. He was like, “Sure - there’s a head in the fridge.”.
