One-click on a fascinator, readers, because there’s a mega-wedding in the offing. Congratulations to Mr Jeff Bezos, Amazon kajillionaire, and Ms Lauren Sánchez, bralette-wearing philanthropist/immense force of nature. Although news of the couple’s engagement seeped out this week after Lauren was spotted wearing a diamond ring in the south of France, Jeff has yet to release a formal announcement. So let’s just draft one for him: “Ladies and gents, she said Proceed to Checkout.”
Now look, you already know Jeff. World’s third-richest man. Went to space. Looks like he should be appearing above a daytime TV caption reading “I make £40 a month as a Vin Diesel escort and my fiancee loves it!” But are you fully across Lauren? I’ll be honest: we haven’t met. But from the outside looking in, my nose pressed against the glass of Google Images, I simply cannot get enough of this Nietzschean superwoman, the final form of the East German silicon-doping programme, who has missile-titted her way into my consciousness and now captivates me twice weekly with her insouciance, her outfits, and her observations on just how difficult philanthropy is to do. Seriously: no one has ever thought harder about how to help poors while mooching round a Grand Prix enclosure with some kind of You Could Never Access All My Areas lanyard dangling from her belt loop. In some ways I don’t think I’ve felt this amused by a picaresque heroine since I saw a photo of Jennifer Arcuri biting the head off a fondant-icing Boris Johnson figurine, from a Boris Johnson cake she’d had made. Yes, customers who liked Jennifer also liked Lauren. Not so much a gal-about-town as a gal-about-planet.
