David Moyes' threat to be funk and disorderly, and channel his inner “disco fever” if West Ham lift a trophy in Europe, is alive and well.
For three-quarters of a tense semi-final first leg, the Hammers' crusade to win their first major trophy in 43 years looked like crashing and burning in a disco inferno. But two goals in eight minutes from Said Benrahma and Michail Antonio gave the Irons a slender advantage to take to Holland next week.
The Conference League may be the poor relation of Europe's crown jewels, but West Ham could still become only the sixth English club to win two of them. And if Moyes wasn't exactly throwing shapes like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever, at least West Ham summoned the willpower to turn a laboured performance into a deserved win.
On a sultry night at the Taxpayers Stadium, Billy Beane - the man who 'invented' Moneyball and a five per cent minority shareholder in Alkmaar - was among the audience. Beane was the real-life inspiration for Brad Pitt's character in the movie Moneyball after pioneering the statistics and data behind Major League Baseball team Oakland Athletics' revival.
So next time you hear a TV commentator prattling on about how many left-footed goals have been scored on a Thursday night in the Eskimo Sunday League, you know who to blame.
Beane claims Alkmaar is “one of the best untold stories in sport” - but for Hammers fans heading to Holland for next week's second leg, first and foremost it's one of the best undiscovered dots on a map.
Moyes has conquered Alkmaar before, ending their unbeaten home record in Europe with Everton in 2007, but he doesn't make a song and dance about it. And his warning that the Dutch dark horses would be no pushovers in the last four here proved horribly prophetic.
Until former Brighton keeper Mat Ryan gifted them a equaliser with a punch so wayward it belonged to a four-rounder on a Frank Warren undercard, West Ham were fitful and anxious. Antonio admitted: "We made it difficult for ourselves - we had chances, we just needed to be more clinical.
"We know they're a possession-based team, they know how to work it. All right, we'll let you have it, and on the counter we'll damage you." Alkmaar were tidier than a hen night in a convent, harder to break down than algebra and their timewasting was more transparent than your patio doors.
And four minutes before the break, the glitterball came crashing down around Moyes on the dancefloor. West Ham were convinced they should have had a free-kick for a foul on Lucas Paqueta, and referee Halil Umut Meler looked as if he was about to blow for one.
But when the Turkish official had second thoughts, Alkmaar absconded upfield like highwaymen with the loot and Tijani Reijnders smuggled his 25-yard shot through Hammers keeper Alphonse Areola's arthritic dive.
In truth, it was a soppy goal to concede. Nobody closed Reijnders down and Areola should have done much better than waving his shot inside the near post like an usherette showing a latecomer to his seat at the cinema.
But 60,000 East end patrons were determined to identify a scapegoat and Meler was an expedient target who needed no mastery of Cockney rhyming slang to decipher what they made of his performance. West Ham's response was flat until Jarrod Bowen rose to head over the top but Ryan - attempting to punch clear - caught him with a right hook and Benrahma buried the indisputable penalty emphatically, his 11th goal of the season.
Finally armed with the bit between their teeth, the Hammers were in front just eight minutes later. Nayef Aguerd's header from Declan Rice's dinked cross was bundled off the line, but Antonio made no mistake from the rebound.
Benrahma, whose twinkling feet troubled the Dutch all night, lifted a great chance to make it 3-1 over the top after a nifty exchange of passes with sub Danny Ings, but there was to be no further drama in Moyes' last dance saloon.
