HALL OF SHAME
“Nostalgia – it’s delicate but potent,” reckoned Donald Draper. “It lets us travel the way a child travels – around and around and back home again, to a place where we know we are loved.” Except it was also Donald Draper who advised that “what you call love was invented by guys like me, to sell nylons.”
Which, Football Daily is sure you’ll agree, brings us neatly to the Premier League’s Hall of Fame – which in the news (sort of) after announcing Alex Ferguson and Arsène Wenger as its first managerial inductees. Because nothing tracks our lives like football does, or inspires greater nostalgia than football does,what better way to spend an afternoon than bask in the afterglow of English football’s greatest rivalry, when we were young, free and fractionally less ludicrous? Unless, of course, that’s what your Don Drapers of this world want us to do. Are we talking about a space to which we all belong, or was it invented by morally reprehensible bores to distract us in order to sell us stuff? It’s a real head-scratcher!
English football’s Americanisation is nothing new and the veneration of individuals – despite the team-game cliche – is to be expected at this point in human history, especially if it “drives engagement”, “inspires debate” and “can be sponsored”. Similarly, anyone who’s attended a recent Wembley final will have felt a) relieved to see the trophy escorted to its station by military chaperones lest any stray highwaymen be loitering nearby, and b) secure in the knowledge that even if the spectacle of Dan Burn and Wout Weghorst galumphing about the hallowed turf somehow triggers a war, there are platoons, batteries and brigades on-hand to immediately escalate the situation.
Our relief at averting these clear and present dangers should not prevent us from wondering who, if anyone, asked for all this – nor should it obscure to us the events of Tuesday. Speaking to a parliamentary select committee, Tracey Crouch MP revealed her disappointment and surprise to see the aforementioned Premier League kicking plans for an independent footballing regulator “into the long grass”. Then Richard Masters, putting the absolute chief into chief executive, refused to confirm whether Newcastle’s ownership is being investigated after Saudi Arabia, who had previously sworn (on Jamal Kashoggi’s life, no doubt) that they do not own the club, then appeared to say otherwise in a US court case.
All of which brings us back to Fergie and Wenger. It has not, presumably, escaped anyone’s attention that since the former retired, Manchester United have not been very good. This, of course, reflects his ridiculous genius, but also reminds us of the ridiculous avarice that caused his ridiculous obsession with a wad of horse s£men – which led directly to the Glazer family removing over £1bn from his beloved Manchester United, which led directly to the catastrophe that followed his retirement. That in turn will lead, in the immediate future, to the club being owned by a greenwashing Brexiteer – in the best-case scenario. Failing that, vulture capitalists or a despotic, human-rights abusing state keen to upend the league’s competitive balance for reasons of parochial rivalry and geopolitical power.
Wenger, meanwhile, spends his dotage working for beIN Sports, a tool of the aforementioned despotic human-rights abusing Qatari state, and for Fifa. In such roles he has advocated for a biennial World Cup, mused about a correlation between poor performance and protesting human-rights abuses, and generally overseen football’s mutation from sport to soft power. Or, put another way: inventing something that seems nice, but is really just trying to sell nylons, suddenly seems like a fairly benign activity.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
It’s a double bill of Women’s Big Cup quarter-final, second-leg action tonight. Join Daniel Harris for Barcelona 4-0 Roma (5-0 on aggregate) at 5.45pm, before Sarah Rendell covers Arsenal 2-0 Bayern Munich (2-1 on agg) at 8pm – all times BST.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I’ve done this for Willow-Ivy, to let her know that I understand and that being autistic won’t and should never hold her back from reaching her goals and dreams” – James McClean has revealed he has been diagnosed with autism, following an assessment after he recognised traits he shared with his daughter.
FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS
How utterly ridiculous for Tuesday’s Football Daily to suggest, based on nothing more than a few good results in the dim and distant past, that Scotland could possibly have a hope in hell against the might of Spain. Wait. What? Oh … – John Myles.
Pete Cody (yesterday’s letters) wondered if ChatGPT was involved in selecting the Prizeless Letter o’ the Day. Surely The Fiver/Football Daily has been using Cr@pGPT for many years now? – Steve Malone.
Re: Fabio Paratici. Tottenham had a director of football??? – Antony T.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … [fires up Cr@pGPT … waits …] Steve Malone.
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