Co-parents want to break down some of the myths about what it's like to be one - we spoke to some and they reveal just how challenging shared parenting after a split can be.
Staying together for the kids can have major consequences, and it's often the right thing to do to go your separate ways if a partnership isn't working out. After making the decision to split up, parents will need to consider the best way to talk to kids about divorce or ending a partnership. Once the process is in motion, shared parenting after separation, or co-parenting, will top the list of priorities - except it's not always that easy to navigate.
For many reasons, co-parenting can go wrong or become a big challenge. It's something that isn't always spoken about in mainstream conversation. We spoke to some co-parents, who candidly share the biggest challenges they face while trying to be the best parents they can be, in the face of a lot more obstacles thrown at them than you might realise. Here's what they had to say.
The biggest challenges faced by co-parents
- Els is a mother of two teens, and also shares care of her new partner's teen daughters. She spoke to us about co-parenting with her ex-husband, saying, "I didn't expect to be so mentally broken by it all, to the extent I couldn't hide it from the kids. The horrific way the marriage ended, right when I needed to be supporting them through exams and be present in my demanding job was more pressure than I ever could've imagined. Now my mantra is 'Never be afraid to show your children your feelings when you are mentally broken, and show you can recover from this.' Honouring their ability to choose if they want contact or not with their other parent was just as hard. My daughter decided to break all contact with her dad. Despite everything, that devastated me - he's her dad after all and I don't want her to regret it, but I've had to find it in myself to support her."
- Helen is a parent of two tween boys. She shares "It was difficult to remain consistent with support of my children's needs, especially because the other parent isn't. Making up for slapdash, inconsistent parenting is just so tiring. When we were together, both me and my ex knew we didn't want any more children after our two. When my ex immediately started a family with his new girlfriend, I was blindsided. That meant he was erratic in how much time he had for our children together and was a bit of a let down. I had to manage my feelings about his actions while being consistent and present for the kids - it was so, so hard."
- Alison has been a co-parent since her children were very young, and says it doesn't seem to get any easier - especially when her ex is a narcissist. She shares "He always meddles in what I do when I've got the kids - we agreed to be totally independent from each other on the days we each have the kids and he's not supposed to be involved, but making my days hard is his way of trying to keep some control over me. He signs the kids up to clubs on days I have them, knowing I can't get them there because of work and travel constraints, and I'm left explaining why we have to cancel. Ultimately, I want to erase him from my life completely, and knowing I can never do that because of the forever tie with shared children, often makes me feel ill."
- Louise finds that belongings are constantly being lost of forgotten, and she has to buy needless duplicates of things. She tells us " Lugging stuff between houses - leaving things at different houses is difficult. The kids always arrive at my house missing important things that should've come from their dads, that he always forgets to send. I don't forget important things, I've got a checklist of what they need to take to his and when - he can't seem to give me the same courtesy. It means I often have to go out and buy forgotten things again, and spend needless money on duplicates that I shouldn't have to."
- Gia finds coparenting really lonely, especially when there's no family nearby. "I often go for long periods of time without seeing anyone when I have the children by myself," she tells us, adding "and I just find it really hard and really lonely. Friends are usually busy with their own families and none of my family are nearby. The days seem really long and when there's nobody to support you it can feel like you're going insane. I spend the small amounts of time the children are with their dad being so tired, I'm just in recovery mode until they come back and don't get to do much in that time."
- Georgina felt so ground down by her ex, she relinquished a lot of control to him just to make her life easier. She says "I stopped getting involved with anything to do with schools - he refused to let me have any say in which schools the kids went to, and what happened while they were there. It was easier to back off. This means he gets all the correspondence about school, never bothers to forward it to me and I hear things second hand. I was devastated to find out where my twins were going to secondary school from other parents in the playground, because my ex couldn't even spare the time to let me know. I also found out they were in a settling in day at their new school and I hadn't been told - how awful not to know where your own children are. Things like that are embarrassing and make you feel you're a terrible parent, but I don't want people to know it makes my life a miniscule amount easier by letting him make education decisions even if I don't agree with them."
- Although mum-of-three tweens, Carly, has a good relationship with her ex-husband, she's still no stranger to co-parenting challenges, saying "The biggest challenge for me is how ‘all or nothing’ co-parenting is, which is exhausting. Friends think co-parenting is idyllic with all the 'days off' I supposedly get, not realising how full on the days are when I have the children. I feel like I’m silently crying out for support on the days I have them, exhausted from start to finish - the guilt I feel with this is terrible, I love spending time with my kids but I don’t want to always do it feeling so burnt out and overwhelmed. I thought solo parenting would be fine, and that I’d enjoy the ‘rest.’ But my nervous system doesn’t see it as that- I constantly feel dysregulated instead."
- Emma was equally candid in she telling us "For me the biggest challenge was not anticipating the feeling of loss, in terms of missing out. Sharing Christmas, birthdays, missing out on them waking up on Christmas Day, or putting them to bed on Christmas Eve, wondering what they are up to, missing some of the different milestones because they are with their other parent. When they're not there you end up missing them and wondering what they are up. When they come back you cram so much in to that time to make sure it's 'quality time' which is a lot of pressure.
- Zahra felt a sense of loss of control when her daughter reacted badly to her ex-husband's new girlfriend. She says "My daughter can't stand my ex's new girlfriend and nobody knows why. I've met her and she seems fine, and my son says she's nice and he's never had a problem with her. My daughter refuses to talk to this woman or leave her room when she's at her dads and the new girlfriend is there. I hate leaving her somewhere I know she'll feel uncomfortable and can't articulate the feelings she has about somebody who has essentially been forced into her life. It's an extra layer of worry for me when I already worry about being a good parent to the children."
For more on co-parenting, parallel parenting can be beneficial for those struggling with co-parenting, and these five tips from a relationship expert can help you navigate school holidays as a co-parent. If you're a co-parent in need of advice relating to how to financially handle a separation, we have everything you need to know.
