So. That went well, then. A day after Keir Starmer gently pointed out that the US would be wrong to seize Greenland and that a period of calm diplomacy was needed, Donald Trump goes mad. Again. Having already rubbished the Norwegian prime minister for not awarding him the Nobel peace prize, the US president took aim at the UK prime minister. No good deed goes unpunished and all that.
The Chagos Islands deal was an act of gross stupidity, The Donald posted on his Truth Social platform. No matter that nine months previously he had warmly endorsed it. No one knows if he could even find Diego Garcia on a map. Sure, he can. Next to Greenland. That’s loyalty and consistency for you. And teach Starmer not to take anything he does or says for granted. Let’s face it, not even Trump is entirely sure what Trump will do next. Depends on how he is reacting to his meds on any given day. The world is one step closer to chaos.
Still. Try to look on the plus side. At least Keir didn’t have his personal messages to the president made public. Emmanuel Macron’s refusal to join Trump’s board of peace – not everyone reckons Vladimir Putin is an ideal working partner – had France threatened with 200% tariffs on wine and champagne. It’s hard to keep up with this level of insanity. Maybe Trump is banking on Nato countries giving him Greenland just to make him shut up and go away. Who knows? It could even work.
All of which gave more of an edge to Mike Johnson’s speech to both houses of parliament, which had previously been billed as soporific filler to mark the 250th year of American independence. Though still not enough to guarantee a full room. There were plenty of spare seats. The last time I had been in committee room 14 it had been for a Tory leadership announcement. Then it had been packed.
Maybe the reputation of the US speaker of the House of Representatives precedes him. Barely even the monkey to Trump’s organ grinder. There was a time when Johnson was one of The Donald’s useful idiots. A previously relatively sane Louisiana Republican who had drunk the Maga Kool-Aid. Had fought to overturn the 2020 presidential election.
Now you get the feeling Johnson is no longer even useful to Trump. He certainly won’t be if Congress turns Democratic at the November midterms. So Mike has to make do with just being an idiot. To give him his due, he doesn’t seem that bothered. The Contented Halfwit. It’s a job and someone’s got to do it.
The mood in the room was one of enforced jollity. One where everyone was trying not to mention the one thing that was on everyone’s mind. Like a wedding where all the guests are trying to ignore that the bride’s father has passed out and was last seen face down in his lunch. DON’T MENTION THE WAR. DON’T MENTION THE WAR. Keep it light. We’re all friends really. Even if right now it feels as the best man is now kicking the groom in the head.
Johnson began with a quick dig at the Commons speaker, Lindsay Hoyle. He had noted that the UK speaker had a tendency to go on a bit. He wasn’t wrong. Hoyle loves his own voice above all others. Then the obligatory note of thanks. It was a huge honour for him to be allowed to give an address to a three-quarters-full committee room at 9.30 in the morning. It was hard to know if he was being sarcastic or not. But maybe he has hidden depths. Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. Hoyle could find himself talking in a broom cupboard in the Capitol if he manages to wangle a return invite.
Then a nod to the serious stuff. He had met Starmer the day before and had praised him for his press conference. His address had been well judged. A tribute to the special relationship. “We work through our differences calmly,” he said. Really? I’d hate to think how things would look if we were ever to fall out with Trump. Or maybe Mike is just happiest when he is not seeing anything very much. Only the day before he was claiming not to have seen the president’s social media posts about the Nobel peace prize. That was above his pay grade. He had come to the UK for an extended lig. Not to defend his boss.
Mike did at least have the grace to sound a bit embarrassed. As if deep down he recognised his own absurdity. Nothing to do but to plough on. “I spoke to President Trump yesterday,” he said. “And I told him my mission is to calm the waters.” It was unclear what The Donald had said by way of a reply. Or whether Johnson had just been talking to the president’s answerphone. Because there is no sign of Trump letting up. He is getting madder by the day. Or “disinhibited”, as the BBC likes to put it. It’s too late now for the anti-psychotic meds. They can take days to kick in. Only an overdose of Xanax will do.
The rest of the speech passed in something of a rose-tinted blur. Sentences like fluffy clouds rolling into one another. He is very easy on the ear. The perfect narrator for self-help books on dealing with anxiety. The only trouble was that it sounded as if it had been written by AI. “ChatGPT, write me a feelgood speech that will go down well with the Brits and drops plenty of names.”
Only it turned out AI may also have a finely tuned sense of irony. For, time and again, Mike talked of the need to confront tyrants, apparently unaware there was one already in the White House. “All men are created equal and free,” he said. Except they really aren’t. Least of all in the US. He worried about the loss of human rights around the world. Though didn’t register a flicker about the use of ICE squads in Minneapolis. It was almost as if Johnson was being wilfully stupid. Somehow assuming that no one in the room would be able to join the dots for themselves.
“The Declaration of Independence was not a repudiation of Britain,” he said. By now those that were not asleep or looking at their phones were looking decidedly confused. What was the Declaration of Independence if not a severance of constitutional links? Mike pressed on. God had created every one of us. And clearly had it in for some of us. The world was too woke. We were only ever one generation away from totalitarianism. Yes. And he was a spokesman for that generation.
Finally, Not So Magic Mike drew to a close. It was time for everyone to re-engage with reality. Not a moment too soon.
