Super Bowl LVII at State Farm Stadium in Glendale, Arizona, is fast approaching, the premier football game and the reward for Philadelphia Eagles and Kansas City Chiefs being very good at the game this season.
The reward for being bad at football? Joining our 2023 Road to the Worst Bowl.
We’re getting rather impatient for the big game, so to pass the time, we’ve drafted an upside-down bracket using the worst NFL teams of the season, and we’re simulating the outcome with Madden 23 and its team ratings. EA Sports is also running their famously hit-and-miss Super Bowl predictions, which called the Eagles this year.
Ours is unrealistic anyway, so we don’t have to worry about accuracy.
Welcome to the penalty zone, the reward for underperformance: the Worst Bowl.
Wild Card
NFC:Worst team, Bye, #1 Chicago Bears
- #2 Cardinals vs #7 Commanders
- #3 Rams vs #6 Panthers
- #4 Falcons vs #5 Saints
The tale of the NFC wild-card weekend saw two visiting teams win their game, but with records that poor, home advantage evidently amounts to little. In the first matchup, the 79-rated Washington Commanders overcame a substantial 14-10 halftime barrier to beat the 76 OVR rated Arizona Cardinals 24-21.
The Los Angeles Rams came out with a win against the Panthers in overtime and pulled off a 20-17 win. The Atlanta Falcons never looked like losing to a deflated New Orleans Saints, winning 27-20 to round off the wild card.
The 2022 Chicago Bears took a bye for going 3-14, including a 10-game losing streak, and the NFC divisional rounds were set. For the Cardinals, Rams, and Falcons, the season was over.
AFC:Worst Team, Bye, #1 Houston Texans
- #2 Colts vs #7 Steelers
- #3 Broncos vs #6 Raiders
- #4 Titans vs #5 Browns
The Indianapolis Colts proved a stiff challenge for the Pittsburgh Steelers, clinging on to their 28-3 halftime lead and pulling even further ahead with a 35-10 win at home in the first of the AFC wild card games. Next on the list was an entertaining tie between the Las Vegas Raiders and the Denver Broncos, which ended 31-24 to Vegas and another road W.
The final matchup saw the #5 seed Titans beat the Browns 41-21 – our highest-scoring wild card fixture overall.
The Texans grabbed the bye for being rather terrible this season. Their 3-13-1 record was more than enough to send them right through in the Bowl nobody wants to win, with the Titans waiting for them.
Divisional Rounds
Fans of bad football finally got to see their bye-round teams enter the divisional rounds.
NFC
- #1 Bears vs #7 Commanders
- #3 Rams vs #6 Falcons
Number one-seeded Chicago came last in the 2022 NFL season. Their in-game rating of 78 isn’t much worse than Washington’s 81, so this promised to be a closer simulated clash
The game was shaping up nicely after the first half, with Commanders 27-21 up, and the floodgates seemed to open in the third quarter when they extended their score to 40-28. But madness ruled in the final quarter.
Both teams traded blows, and Chicago came good with two touchdowns and a 36-yard field goal with a slim 22 seconds left on the clock. Final score: Commanders 43-44 Bears. Maybe the worst football can be the best football? It certainly was in this case, at least.
Falcons at Rams was less eventful.. Scoreless in the first and 7-7 at halftime, the Rams at home managed to edge out a 24-17 win and set up a tasty clash with the Bears in the NFC Championship game.
AFC
- #1 Texans vs #4 Titans
- #2 Colts vs #6 Raiders
Down in Texas, Houston benefited from home advantage, though not without a few scares. Up 14-7 versus Tennessee by halftime, the Titans bullied their way back into the tie in the third and led 21-17. Showing the true spirit of the Worst Bowl, the worst team stuck it out and won 27-21.
And In the spirit of the Worst Bowl for the Texans, Davis Mills made only 204 yards at 53% completion for his team’s 2 touchdowns. The #1 seed was through.
Raiders at Colts were tied Tied at 10-10 at halftime and seemed to be a close matchup. In Madden 23, just one rating point separates Las Vegas (83) and Indianapolis (82). The visiting team emerged victorious in their pursuit of playoff success by clinching the game 24-20. The Raiders, with Derek Carr, benched on poor form, had backup QB Jarrett Stidham carry them to the championship game.
The Conference Championship
NFC: #1 Bears vs #3 Rams
The NFC Championship unfolded at Soldier Field, a chance to find the best of the worst in the NFC. The Bears had a bad start, with the Rams’ #5 Jalen Ramsey intercepting their second play and immediately bringing Matt Stafford into the game. The first quarter ended 0-0, but the second started with the Rams being 2nd and goal, which they converted into points. This was the only score of the quarter, and the game was 7-0 Rams at the half.
The game rumbled on. The scoreline didn’t. An Aaron Donald penalty saw the Bears get first and goal in the dying embers of the 4th quarter, and yet they still couldn’t convert. The first and second were incomplete, and the third was intercepted again.
This was a wonderfully awful game of football, the poster child of the Worst Bowl. It’s a shame to see the best worst team drop out, but the LA Rams holding on to a scrappy 7-0 win was earned. It seems the Bears can’t even win at being bad.
AFC: #1 Texans vs #6 Raiders
Would more points come in the (Worst) AFC Championship game, held at the NRG Stadium? It turned out the answer was yes, which is good since we were getting bored.
This simulation centered on a real back-and-forth tie: 14-10 Houston at the end of Q1, 24-21 Raiders at HT, 28-24 Houston at Q3. The game sped breathlessly into full time tied at 35-35.
OT drama once more in these playoffs saw Kaʻimi Fairbairn push an 18 yard field goal 27 seconds in to seal the AFC with a 38-35 tiebreaker. The kicker was the hero for the Houston Texans, with a 100% completion on the night. Not bad for one of the Worst.
The inaugural Worst Bowl was set, with the Rams and Texans lacing up their cleats for the best game of the most awful teams.
The Worst Bowl
#1 Texans vs #3 Rams
The home team Texans were one of the worst performers overall in the season, and they’re also the worst team in Madden 23 with a paltry 74 rating. Facing the Rams in a one-off game, with an unbelievable 88 OVR rating, should be one game too far for the Texas outfit. Every instinct said this would be a comfortable win for the Rams.
A neutral venue had to be selected, so naturally, we made it the worst for both teams: Wembley Stadium in London, England, thousands of miles from home for both teams. In Madden, you can’t brand any game as a Super Bowl tie, so we had to settle for Texans branding.
Another thing missing from the Madden 23 kickoff is live teams and form, so we saw LA’s Matthew Stafford come off IR to play in the big game, facing up against youngster Davis Mills at Houston.
At halftime, the scores were set at 24-10 with Houston in the lead. The entertainment from London and ads followed. We put on a 20-minute megamix of Rebecca Black, Robin Thicke and Nickelback through cheap speakers. We actively sought out in-app ads during this time. This was the Worst Bowl, after all. We were obligated to make the worst halftime show ever.
After the atrocious festivities ended, the game came to a climax at 38-17 Houston in Q3. Could the plucky team with their makeshift starting QB really win it all?
The Rams started a Q4 noble fightback, with Matthew Stafford hitting two touchdowns for 14 unanswered LA Rams points, but it was too little too late in the end for the 5-12 side as they lost 38-31.
And that was game. The stats had the Rams, who hit 511 offensive yards compared to Houston’s 391, but at no point were they really in this clash.
The Houston Texans were crowned Worst Bowl I winners, and it was a romantic, deserved campaign. The worst team in Madden 23, the worst team in the AFC, and now Worst Bowl champions. We couldn’t believe the Madden 23 simulation threw this up for us. The Texans couldn’t string 2 wins together during the 2022 NFL season, so to run it all the way was impressive.
No Lombardi Trophy here; just the reassurance that whilst the Texans might be amongst the worst in the NFL currently, at least they could be the best of the worst.
So that’s our Worst Bowl 1 completed. A genuine contender for a new NFL format? Maybe not. Still, giving the wooden spoon out to the losing team in a one-off game between the two worst teams of the season could be more interesting than the now-diluted Pro Bowl.
Want to live out a football bracket in an alternate universe like us? Madden 23 is available now on PlayStation, Xbox and PC. EA Play members get a discount and exclusive in-game unlockables, too.
Written by Alex Bugg on behalf of GLHF
