Dear Coleen
I feel very upset after finding out that my only son and his wife have made the decision they don’t want a family.
I brought up the subject of kids with him recently when he came to stay with us for a couple of nights. He told me that he and his wife had talked about it at length and decided that being parents isn’t for them – they want to focus on their careers and have the freedom to travel the world together.
They have two dogs and a cat, who they adore, and that seems to be enough for them.
I know I have to accept their decision, but I’m heartbroken.
I really want to be a grandparent and my husband feels the same. It doesn’t help that all our friends talk constantly about their grandkids.
I am also sure that this decision has more to do with my daughter-in-law than my son. He loves her, so he’ll do whatever she wants. She’s estranged from her mum, who has alcohol problems, her dad died years ago and she has one older brother, who she never speaks to. By contrast, we have a big, happy, extended family and are very close.
I wish I could talk to her about it, but we don’t have that kind of relationship.
I’ve tried with her over the years, but she’s quite cold and puts up her defences if I ask anything too personal. Please advise.
Coleen says
I totally understand grieving over not becoming a grandparent. When we have children, we have certain expectations of what the future will hold – rightly or wrongly – and it’s hard to accept you won’t be a grandparent if it’s something you’d hoped for.
It’s OK to feel upset about it and it might actually help to talk to your friends about this and share how upset and disappointed you are. Let them support you.
As for your daughter-in-law, it’s not a given that we’re going to get on with our child’s partner, but it seems to me that it’s more a case of not knowing her very well.
Try to find more opportunities to build a closer relationship. Keep in mind she might find it hard to relate to you and your husband because she has nothing to go on – her own upbringing sounds very unstable.
However, she’s formed her own family with your son and their pets, and they are clearly very happy, which is wonderful. And that should make you happy and also proud of your son that you’ve brought him up to be the man he is.
Raising kids isn’t for everyone and you do have to respect their decision. Put your energy into being there for them, always make them feel welcome and, perhaps if you do get to know your daughter-in-law better, you will have more empathy and understanding.
