Of all the people to try to befriend, your boyfriend’s ex is probably not top of the list. Unless, of course, you’re Marie-Lou Nurk, the 26-year-old German model who, in the latest season of Netflix’s reality sensation Selling Sunset, makes it her mission to do just that. It doesn’t go very well. At the time of filming, Nurk was going out with Jason Oppenheim, who co-runs the luxury real estate agency at the centre of the show – and once dated Selling Sunset’s breakout star Chrishell Stause.
Though Nurk and Oppenheim have split since filming ended, the show has this season depicted Nurk unsuccessfully pursuing a friendship with Stause, something that culminated in a horrendously awkward lunch. During the encounter, Nurk calls up Oppenheim and puts him on speakerphone so he can hear the two women hash things out. “It’s not my job to ask you questions,” says Stause, who is now married to the non-binary musician G Flip, whom Nurk subsequently misgenders. “The most important person in my life – you don’t know their pronouns, which is totally fine. But my point is that you also don’t know me.” She then delivers one final zinger to a forlorn-looking Nurk: “I’m not going to be your friend.”
It’s a tense – but meticulously crafted – piece of reality TV that illustrates a very relatable off-screen problem for many of us. Anyone who has ever been in a relationship will know the feeling all too well. Say you’re with a partner who, like most people, has an ex; inevitably, at some point, you will find yourself wanting to know more about them. At best, it’s a sort of morbid curiosity. One that is only natural and compels you to find out who your partner has been with before you. Maybe you’ll have a peek at their Instagram profile, and dare to even tap to see a few of their tagged photos. At worst, though, it’s an act of self-sabotage that will see you obsessing over everything this person represents, projecting all your own insecurities onto them and, in some cases, trying to remedy that by befriending them. It’s not always a bad thing, though, so long as you’re doing it for the right reasons.
“There are some instances when it could be considered healthy to befriend a partner’s ex,” says Georgina Sturmer, an online counsellor specialising in women’s issues. “If you feel secure and comfortable in your relationship, then a friendship with your partner’s ex might add something to your life. After all, you’ve already got something in common. And if they have already moved on – particularly if they have found a new partner – then it might feel like a natural step.”
Of course, there could be additional factors at play that make a friendship – or at least a positive dynamic – necessary. Think children or pets. “In these cases, there’s likely to be practical arrangements and emotional baggage there, too,” adds Sturmer. “So, if you can build an amicable relationship then it’s likely to make it easier for you to slot into each other’s lives.”
The strength of your relationship with your partner will factor into it, too. “I am friends with my partner’s ex,” says 56-year-old Polly* from London, who is in a happy, healthy relationship. “She and he were married for 13 years, and before that they were best friends. They speak a few times a year now, and I encourage it. I’ve even helped her with her business.”
There have been plenty of examples of this in the celebrity sphere. Most famously, Gwyneth Paltrow, who has been photographed many times with Dakota Johnson, the current partner of Paltrow’s ex-husband Chris Martin. Paltrow and the Coldplay frontman share two children together, Apple, 19, and Moses, 17. She and Johnson seem to be genuine pals, with Paltrow recently telling fans in an Instagram Q&A: “We’re actually very good friends.” Then there’s Lenny Kravitz and Aquaman star Jason Momoa, who were said to have become close while Momoa was dating Lisa Bonet, Kravitz’s ex-wife and the mother of their daughter, actor Zoe Kravitz. Meanwhile, Miranda Kerr and her husband Evan Spiegel have gone on holiday with Kerr’s ex, Orlando Bloom, with whom she shares a son.
Ask yourself, why would they want to be friends with you all of a sudden? Were you in touch before? Is there an ulterior motive?— Anna Sargent, psychologist
Befriending your ex’s new partner, if you move in the same social circles at least, is also going to benefit you by making things a little less awkward at major gatherings, whether you have children or not. As illustrated by Stause and Nurk on Selling Sunset, it’s not always that simple, though – particularly when the partner and the ex are both women. Cue a lot of internalised misogyny and the long history of pitting women against one another – it can lead to jealousy, competition, and a lot of unnecessary aggravation. Again, this will depend on the circumstances.
“It would probably be a bad idea to befriend a partner’s ex if they broke up with the person because of you, or if your relationship started shortly after they broke up,” says psychologist Anna Sargent. “The friendship may not be possible as there’ll be too much suspicion and jealousy from the ex, and vice versa. Also, if your partner and their ex’s breakup was very dramatic and messy, perhaps there are still too many raw emotions, and maybe even unresolved romantic feelings, that could bring a lot of confusion.”
Your own sense of self needs to be considered, too. “If you’re prone to self-criticism or negative thinking, then it’s possible that this could be triggered by spending time with your partner’s ex,” adds Sturmer. “Are you likely to compare yourself unfavourably, or get drawn into their opinions about your new partner? If so, it’s important to understand what boundaries you need to have in place in order to protect yourself.”
A person in common: Gwyneth Paltrow with her ex-husband Chris Martin’s new partner, Dakota Johnson— (Penske Media via Getty Images)
The conversation becomes something else entirely if you break up with someone, then befriend one of their exes – see Sophie Turner and Taylor Swift, whose friendship began this summer after Turner split from husband Joe Jonas, whom Swift dated years earlier. Sometimes, this can provide some much-needed catharsis.
“I befriended my partner’s ex a few months after we split up,” says Lisa*, 48. “Our children became best friends, and then when we split up my daughter really missed them. So, after a while, I got in touch with their mother to ask if I could bring their stuff over for them. We had a very interesting comparing-notes session.”
Ultimately, what qualifies as healthy in this situation is going to depend on the wide range of circumstances that could be at play, just as in every relationship and every breakup. If you’re still with your partner when you find yourself befriending their ex, the most important factor will be the strength of your relationship and your relationship with yourself. If either is somewhat unstable, it’s best to avoid throwing another complexity into the mix. Otherwise, go forth.
As for if and when a partner’s ex decides to start pursuing a friendship with you, again, proceed with caution. “Ask yourself, why would they want to be friends with you all of the sudden?” says Sargent. “Were you in touch before? Is there an ulterior motive? Would becoming friends help them move on, or would they remain stuck stewing in complaints or shared stories about your partner? How would it affect your relationship with your partner?”
These are just some of the questions to consider. If it all feels too overwhelming, maybe it’s best to give it a miss. “But if you’re considering it, perhaps meeting for a drink with them and discussing the possibility of a friendship is a good idea if the circumstances are right,” suggests Sargent. Whatever you do, though, it’s probably best to avoid having that drink on camera as part of a reality TV show.
*Names have been changed
