Depending on your perspective, this week’s jobs and skills summit will either be a collegiate gathering of key players to build a heuristic, user-based roadmap for a brighter economic future, or a tedious, backslapping talkfest for rent-seeking hacks and covetous wannabes.
As a veteran of many such conferences, Crikey satirist Tom Red has prepared a field guide to help the uninitiated separate the movers from the shakers.
Wide-eyed newbie
Traits: Genuinely awed. Copious note-taking. Serially punctual. Happy to sit right up front or squat in the aisle. Embarrassed about taking so many selfies, but not embarrassed enough to stop.
Catchphrase: “I was standing right next to Katy Gallagher at the coffee cart. Had to pinch myself.”
Wizened cynic
Traits: Been there, seen that, read the book and bought the T-shirt. Surreptitiously plays Sudoku on a battered iPad. Will work in references to Peter Reith, Patrick Corrigan and the Accord, irrespective of the topic being discussed.
Catchphrase: “It’s only a rort if you get caught, mate.”
Hardline hero
Traits: Has worked, briefly, for every single employer organisation. Uses “woke” as a pejorative and as a verb. Wants business taxes flattened — to zero. Overly fond of military and sporting analogies. Was bullied mercilessly at school, something that informs their approach to industrial relations.
Catchphrase: “At the last brain-storming session, they said there are ‘no wrong answers’, yet as soon as I said ‘slavery’, everyone lost their shit.”
Single issue space-cadet
Traits: Always the first hand up when questions are taken. Lives for plenary sessions. Struggles with the difference between asking a question and making a 15-minute, spittle-flecked rant about the government’s abject failure to grasp the awesome power of micro-dosing psychedelics.
Catchphrase: “Jim Chalmers talked about productivity for an hour but didn’t mention LSD once. Coincidence? I don’t think so.”
Networking ninja
Traits: Remembers everyone’s name. Everyone. Firm handshake and sharp elbows. Obsessed by seating arrangements. Maintains direct eye contact while scanning the room for more important people. Knows where all the late-night kick-ons are happening. Updates LinkedIn several times a day. Pretends to be on the phone but is actually just waiting for a group of A-listers to inveigle.
Catchphrase: “We simply must catch up, once all the cray-cray is over.”
Captain of industry
Traits: Expensive watch, nice pen. Can talk union, but not league. A bit awkward around people who didn’t go to a sandstone university. Tiny lapel pin for an obscure but altruistic association.
Catchphrase: “Leveraging the synergy of the upside growth matrix.”
Super-stressed staffer
Traits: A deer in the headlights. Their boss sees the event as a chance to show the world exactly who they are, which is tricky because their boss is a shifty, dim-witted narcissist.
Catchphrase: “Can’t win. Don’t try.”
Put-upon tech-support dude
Traits: Talks to panicked presenters like a kindergarten teacher talks to a child. PowerPoint whisperer. Barely contained rage at last-minute program changes.
Catchphrase: “Yes, I have tried turning it off and turning it back on again. And no, I don’t find that comment funny.”
