It must have felt like Christmas for Australia’s media this week, when circumstances gave journalists two of their favourite content generators: a high-profile American politician talking about Australia and Paul Keating sounding off on the issues of the day.
After the razor-tongued former PM said Taiwan was “Chinese real estate” and “not a vital Australian interest”, former US speaker of the house Nancy Pelosi appeared on ABC’s 7.30, largely to go all Mark Wahlberg about what would have happened if she’d seen Donald Trump during the January 6 riots on Capitol Hill (“I would have to beat him up, and I would probably have to go to jail for beating him up, and that would be okay with me”).
But she also took the opportunity to say Keating had made “a stupid statement”, which in turn prompted a statement from Keating, condemning Pelosi’s “recklessly indulgent visit to Taiwan in 2022”.
Of course, headlines that start with “Paul Keating slams… ” are so frequent it can be hard to know how big a deal this really is. Crikey, as ever, is here to help with our new “Paul Keating Sledge-O-Meter™”, a definitive and ongoing ranking of Keating slams both in and out of office.
Tier 1: Flogging with Warm Lettuce
This is the lower end of the Keating sledge. Its name is taken from his description of then opposition leader John Hewson’s debate performance in 1989. This tier is for the slams that just don’t quite achieve (eg. the Pelosi quips).
[The Greens are] a bunch of opportunists and Trots … Ratting on Rudd with the ETS scheme and walking away from the Malaysia solution, things that required a bit of courage … they could’ve been the yellows
On the Greens’ attempts to win Anthony Albanese’s seat in 2016. Standard stuff.
I’ve never seen any public figure as mean or mean-spirited as Peter Dutton. At this election, those electors in Dickson have a chance to drive a political stake through his dark political heart.
Coming in the lead-up to Labor’s disastrous 2019 federal election loss, it might have been remembered more fondly by Keating aficionados if it hadn’t allowed Dutton to repeat his own words back to him when, on election night, electors in Dickson declined to take Keating’s advice.
You were heard in silence, so some of you scumbags on the frontbench should just wait a minute until you hear the responses from me.
In 1984 in response to Andrew Peacock, then Liberal leader. Feels fairly weak, but it must have touched a nerve, because the Liberals kept bringing it up for a decade.
Tier 2: Trimming the eyebrows
Solid, or otherwise noteworthy, but we know he has better in the locker.
[Adam] Bandt is a bounder and a distorter of political truth.
In 2022 about the Greens leader. Only just sneaks in because we’re suckers for old-timey insults like bounder, blaggard, cad, scoundrel, etc.
When you say to people, ‘you can’t get together at work, you can’t organise your conditions’, you’re back to the earlier part of the industrial revolution, and that’s where [John] Howard belongs. He’s a pre-Copernican obscurantist.
On industrial relations in 2007. A nice turn of phrase, but slightly dulled by overuse.
You boxhead, you wouldn’t know. You are flat out counting past 10. You stupid, foul-mouthed grub.
In 1985, on Wilson Tuckey.
We heard from the leader of the opposition about me, about my travelling allowance, about the suntanned windows and about the white car. These are the snide remarks thrown around by the leader of the opposition. But I will never get to the stage of wanting to lead the nation standing in front of the mirror every morning clipping the eyebrows here and clipping the eyebrows there with Janette and the kids: It is like ‘Spot the eyebrow’.
In 1986, on John Howard.
You should hang your head in shame. I’m surprised you even have the gall to stand up in public and ask such a question, frankly. You ought to do the right thing and drum yourself out of Australian journalism.
In 2023 on a Nine journalist. Hard to know where to put this one. It had a big impact because it was aimed at an individual journalist, and there’s nothing the media likes more than to use a personal attack to remind everyone how important we really are. It prompted reams of coverage and commentary. But it has none of the wit or musicality of Keating’s best work.
Tier 3: Going Troppo
The A-grade material.
He’s wound up like a thousand-day clock! One more half turn and there’ll be springs and sprockets all over the building … Mr Speaker, give him a valium.
In 1995, on John Howard.
The little desiccated coconut is under pressure and he is attacking anything he can get his hands on.
In 2007 on John Howard.
I suppose that the Honourable Gentleman’s hair, like his intellect, will recede into the darkness.
In 1984 on Andrew Peacock.
It was the limpest performance I have ever seen … it was like being flogged with a warm lettuce. It was like being mauled by a dead sheep.
In 1989, on John Hewson.
Well, the thing about poor old Costello, he’s all tip and no iceberg.
In 2007 on Peter Costello.
He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.
In 1991, on John Hewson again.
[Anthony Albanese is reliant on] two seriously unwise ministers, Penny Wong and Richard Marles.
In 2023. Far from his greatest moment of wit, Keating’s ongoing savaging of AUKUS is in the top tier for that very reason: it was a bald statement, impossible to misinterpret or take back, aimed at two currently serving senior ministers representing his own party.
What Paul Keating slams have we missed? Let us know in the comments or by writing to letters@crikey.com.au. Please include your full name to be considered for publication. We reserve the right to edit for length and clarity.
