Dear Vix,
I have an embarrassing problem that I’m almost too ashamed to write about – it’s very petty and small! But at the same time, it’s really, really getting to me – and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. The issue is with one of my closest and dearest friends. Because she keeps copying me!
I know, I sound like a teenager for writing this or for being bothered about it – we are in our forties, after all. But it’s getting on my nerves so much that it’s starting to affect our friendship. I’m finding myself feeling reluctant to tell her anything about my life, or even reply to her messages, because the inevitable always happens: she takes it on as her own. Some recent examples have been: her copying my haircut, her copying the exact same brand-new coat that I had coveted for ages and finally bought – and she even bought the same car as me after I bought it! In the same colour!
I’ve even noticed that she’s started to copy some of my unique passions and interests, too – she’s never been into film, really, but suddenly, she’s dropping in things like, “Oh, I spent Saturday at the BFI”, or is talking about an obscure film festival she wants to go to. She even invited me to a talk by one of *my* favourite directors! I don’t get it – and I don’t like it. Shouldn’t she have grown out of this by now? Aren’t we a bit old to play copycat? Why can’t she get her own interests and stop stealing mine? I feel like she’s taking my identity away!
Frustrated Friend
Dear Frustrated,
Oh, I feel for you. I think at some point in our lives we have all both copied and been copied, but we don’t usually expect that to happen later on in life once we’ve all worked out who we are and what we like. Which is where I’d like to start, because not all of us have managed that. No, not even by the time we are in our forties.
If we look around at our friends, even our family, we will undoubtedly see people who never quite found their “thing”. While some are lucky enough to confidently pursue passions that are synonymous with who they are, others can always seem like they’re “searching” for something: a box to fit into, a career that fits, a partner who matches them. One friend of mine openly admits she spent many years feeling “lost” before she found religion – it is now deeply embedded in who she is and the lifestyle choices she makes. For her, it was the “missing piece”.
When I imagine your friend, I imagine someone who – frankly – isn’t all that sure of herself. She hasn’t given herself permission to like what she likes, freely and with abandon, because (perhaps) she is self-conscious about it; she isn’t sure she is allowed. I imagine someone who is a little unsure of herself, someone lacking in confidence and self-esteem – someone who looks at you and thinks you are incredible.
Even the few examples you have mentioned here – a statement haircut, a new car, a coveted coat and a passion for cinema – tell me that you are someone who isn’t afraid to make her own choices. To put your money where your mouth is. To go out into the world and declare, “This is who I am” and to not really give a s*** if someone doesn’t like it. These are enviable qualities, indeed.
Now, picture your friend, looking at you. Someone bold she admires – someone with the kind of confidence she only wishes she could embody. It doesn’t stop it being irritating, of course, for your likes and interests to be co-opted, but doesn’t it make it a lot easier to feel compassion for her? To understand why she might be doing it – and to feel empathy for her?
In a practical sense, there’s not that much you can do about the copying, I’m afraid. Other than keeping some of your new interests quiet and simply “for you” – as I get older, I’m less and less inclined to shout about the things I love doing publicly – and I notice a lot of my peers feeling the same way – you’re probably just going to have to suck this one up... unless you’re willing to say something to her about it.
But while I’m all for open communication in almost every setting, with this one, I actually suspect it might do more harm than good: it risks wounding a vulnerable person and decimating a friendship, over something that – really – boils down to superficial irritation.
Instead, remember this: there is only one “you”. You are completely unique, completely individual. Someone in the same coat or same car doesn’t – and can’t – take that away from you. Your individualism remains intact.
So, when it comes to copying a few items of clothing or a few cinema trips here and there, let her. Her actions don’t have to affect or impact you – unless you allow them to. But you have far too busy and technicolour a life to spend another moment worrying about that.
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