Dear Vix,
I had a reunion with my old friend Neil*, recently – I hadn’t seen him for ages, so was really looking forward to it. And at first it was great: we caught up on our kids, our partners, and what we’ve been up to – he’s just joined a cycling club, I’ve recently got into CrossFit; plus we both love the cinema. In fact, we first met at university at a geeky film club. So, it was all going well, and we had loads to talk about, until something happened: he took the piss out of my career.
To be fair, I’m not what you’d call “high powered” – in fact, my wife is the main earner in our household. She’s a lawyer and I’m a teacher, but I went down to part-time when our third child was born and never went back to full-time. Reason being: we agreed, when we first talked about having kids, that one of us should be around when they got home from school; that we didn’t really want them to go to a childminder every day and that one of us would take a step back until they were in high school. As the less lucrative wage-earner, it was obvious that it should be me – and I’m totally fine with it. In fact, I love it. I get to spend time with my kids; I like being able to pick them up from school most days and take them to their clubs. But Neil basically made out like I wasn’t being “man” enough and should feel embarrassed about being (almost) a stay-at-home dad and only working part-time.
I didn’t really challenge him very much on it at the time; I was too shocked. It just made for a few awkward moments before one of us changed the subject – and after that, the evening wound down pretty quickly. But I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since. It’s made me furious. What’s my mate’s problem?
Disgruntled Dad
Dear Disgruntled,
Wow, with friends like these...
I jest, but I do want you to consider: what is this friendship giving you? Perhaps unusually, I’m a pretty firm believer in not persisting with toxic friendships or in continuing to invest or give precious time to those who make you feel bad about yourself.
I think that if a friendship is exclusively one-sided or if the person is a real “drainer” (meaning you feel exhausted after every interaction, rather than lifting you up as someone who is a “radiator” might); if they are mean or overly argumentative, or if you meet and they only ever talk about themselves, without asking you any questions – then it’s perfectly fine, actually, to cut them loose.
Most of us have very little free time – with families and friends to focus on – so I want you to be sure this person is someone who actively brings joy and meaning to your life, rather than negativity. If this experience is a one-off, then fine: perhaps he was stressed or in a bad mood, or maybe he has something going on back home that made him irritable and he mistakenly took it out on you.
Perhaps his reaction to your situation struck a chord with him because he’s envious of it. Maybe he wishes that he was fortunate enough to have a successful partner who’s happy to be the breadwinner, which would allow him to spend more quality time at home or with his children. Often, the things that trigger us reflect insecurities we hold about ourselves. Maybe, deep down, he knows he doesn’t spend enough time being “dad” – and he’s worried about it.
Or, perhaps the reason it made you feel bad was because it struck a chord with you? Is there a nerve he might have touched that is worth exploring or thinking about?
Whatever the reason – and there’s also the possibility that it was just a misjudged, throwaway “joke” that he wishes he’d never made – the choice is yours now. You could talk to him about it and call it out; tell him it was out of order (my hunch is he’ll apologise and tell you it was meant in jest). You might feel better once you’ve named it and had it out. Or, you can give him another chance and see what he’s like the next time you meet up.
But remember the old adage: "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me". If he does it again and again – and if you start to notice him making little jibes every time you meet up – I’d either be direct and say something to him or seriously reconsider the friendship.
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