Dear Vix,
I’m going out of my mind with worry about my daughter. She’s only 14 but has already had a steady boyfriend for a year – and I think they’re having sex. It feels far too soon, far too fast, far too heavy – and I’m terrified: not only about teenage pregnancy, but about whether she is emotionally ready to be making such big life choices.
I’m worried all the time for her – about her being heartbroken, about her being caught on camera doing something intimate, about STDs, about her schoolwork and this being a big distraction.
The boy is kind and respectful and they do both really seem to care about each other, but whenever I ask her about what they’re doing physically – and how she feels about it – she clams up and won’t tell me anything. I’ve tried leaving leaflets about contraception in her bedroom, but she throws them away and tells me, “I know!!”
I was a teenage boy and I know what they’re like – that’s why I’m so worried. What do I do?
Single Father
Dear Single Father,
Oof, I feel your pain and worry around this for you. It can’t be easy, raising a teenage girl – let alone one who is relatively early in navigating a serious romantic relationship.
Well done for doing your very best to bring up the conversation, for being clued in to what’s going on (or what might be going on) to begin with – and in showing your love and care for her by placing leaflets in her bedroom. Not all dads would feel comfortable about doing this and it’s beautiful that she knows you’ve got her back and she can talk to you – if and when she wants to.
The cold, hard truth of it is: there’s not all that much we can do, as parents, to stop or prevent something like heartbreak – or the other “worst case scenarios” you have outlined here, such as underage sex, early teenage pregnancy, STDs or being caught doing something on camera. But what we can do is arm our kids with information – and offer them a safe space to ask questions.
This, you are already doing in spades – so I would suggest building and solidifying on that trusted link between you and your daughter. If she chooses to come to you – and it might take a while – she’ll feel supported.
Banning or ordering a kid to “stop having sex” or “be celibate” or “break up with him, right now” never stopped a damn thing. We know that by now. We need to work with what we’ve got.
So, in the meantime, I would suggest being frank and asking her if she wants you to make her a GP appointment to discuss contraception. Kids know so much and are so street-wise, but she might not realise that you are happy to talk about it with her – and to help her be safe. You can offer to come with her, or to wait in the waiting room.
To alleviate your worries a little bit: state high schools these days tackle subjects such as revenge porn and being safe online as part of the PSHE curriculum. But it can’t hurt to remind her of the dangers. Perhaps you could open up a conversation over dinner about a news story you’ve read about cyberflashing, for example (and tech firms have recently been ordered to crack down on unwanted nudes as part of the Online Safety Act, so you could start there), so she doesn’t feel like you’re speaking directly about her. You can then use that as a bridge to find out what she’s aware of – and answer any questions, if she has them.
I often bring up “hot topics” with my daughter – introducing them casually and gently – by way of asking her what she thinks about something we’ve watched on the news. I did this recently, discussing the murder of Charlie Kirk –because I was so worried about what she’d seen online.
Leaning on news events can be a useful way to get them discussing a topic hypothetically, rather than clamming up because they don’t want to talk about their own lives. It’s also a handy way to increase their understanding or access to information about a sensitive subject, without coming across as lecturing.
Finally, you may not be able to “stop” your daughter making certain unwise decisions, but you can love her. Be there for her, no matter what. Make sure she has all the information to at least try to make the most educated choices available – with the support and information available.
And don’t forget to give yourself a pat on the back for some really excellent parenting.
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