Dear Vix,
I’m a 32-year-old guy, and I’ve reached a point where I’m struggling to keep my head above water. On paper, things are “fine”, but lately, I just feel incredibly lonely, lost, and (to be honest) pretty sad.
I’ve been single for a long time now, and the weight of that, combined with feeling like I’m just drifting through my life (with no sign of ever having kids), is starting to feel heavy. But the real problem is my friends. I have a great group of mates; guys I’ve known for years. We watch football, grab beers, and talk about everything from work to women. But we never really talk.
I want to tell them how I’m actually doing. I want to tell them I’m hurting and that I feel like I’m failing at the things that matter. But every time we’re together, the “man code” kicks in. I find myself making a joke or changing the subject because I’m terrified of making things awkward or being the “downer” of the group. I don’t want them to look at me with pity, but I’m tired of pretending I’m OK when I’m not.
How does a guy my age start that conversation without it feeling forced or weird? How do I open up when our entire friendship is built on keeping things light? I feel like I’m drowning in a room full of people who care about me, and I just don’t know how to ask for a hand.
Sincerely,
Dear Lost in the Crowd,
It’s interesting that I received your letter this week, because I’ve been noticing recently that I’ve been getting a lot of missives from men. It seems that right now, a lot of other men feel the way you do – lost, hurting and alone. Just when I feel like we have come on leaps and bounds in terms of social engagement and in men being “empowered” and “allowed” to talk about their feelings, I am reminded that for many it remains a huge struggle.
The male loneliness epidemic is very real and very damaging, and your letter is also a reminder that it is possible to have friends and to be out in a crowd, but to still feel lost or lonely. I’m so sorry that you are finding this period of your life difficult and that you don’t feel like you have anyone to confide in. Well done for taking this huge step and reaching out, even to a stranger.
Now, your friends. I don’t know what they’re like as people, but one thing I would stake some serious money on is that no matter how boisterous or loud they are when you’re all together, watching sports or drinking beers, they’re completely different alone. I also know (without needing to know them at all) that they are likely privately dealing with many of the same issues you are: contemplation about where they are in their lives, how happy they are – and what the future holds.
The issue is, as you rightly say, nobody is talking about it. But I bet they’d like to talk about it. I wonder if you might be the first to break the silence? How good that would feel if you did!
I’m certainly keen to know what would happen if you tried, because I have a feeling they may surprise you. I’m also thinking that the best way to do this would be with a smaller and more select few. Is there someone in your friendship group you would consider a “best” friend? Or, someone who seems quieter and more understanding than the rest? How would you feel about suggesting a one-to-one hang-out with this person? Or, with just a couple of the guys?
Then, when you’re with them, I’d suggest getting right to the heart of the matter and fronting it: by taking a deep breath and saying to them, “Hey – I’ve been feeling a bit s**t recently and I wanted to let you guys know”. You could even say, “Work’s been a bit much lately,” or, “I’ve been feeling a bit off this week” Showing your own vulnerability often gives your friends permission to do the same. It might even encourage a ripple effect and give them the space and confidence to share how they’ve really been feeling.
Give your friends a chance to take in what you’ve said and to respond, before you rush to change the subject out of awkwardness or a desire to fill the silence. A handy trick you can also try is talking to your friends while you’re doing something else – an activity such as driving, or playing video games, or maybe when you’re watching a less-than-gripping game.
Men often talk more comfortably when out for a walk – I personally know of two different men of vastly differing ages who have male friendship “walk and talk” groups, specifically set up to help men make new friends and discuss their feelings – so you could see if there are any similar social groups in your area.
Suggesting a weekend stroll with some of your mates would have the added benefit of bringing you out into nature (always a tonic for mental wellbeing, in my opinion) and would lessen the stress of having to have a sit-down face to face.
Sure, people can be awkward around “feelings” but most of us relate to being down. And I’d also recommend that if you are brave and bringing up how you’ve been doing, it might be a good idea to set the expectation from the outset. You can say, “I just need to vent for a second, I don’t really need advice”, or, “I could really use your take on something I’m struggling with”. You decide what you want: whether you just want to rant, or whether you’d like their idea for a solution. I think we should all be doing this with our loved ones when they come to us with a problem.
Lastly, remember that opening up to people you care about is a critical step for your mental health and also for deepening intimacy within your relationships. But there really is no pressure: you can decide how this plays out. You can initiate it (or do it by text, if you prefer). Just take small steps and test it out in a couple of different environments. I have a feeling you might be very pleasantly surprised by their reaction.
Do you have a problem you would like to raise anonymously with Dear Vix? Issues with love, relationships, family and work? Email dearvix@independent.co.uk
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