Dear Vix,
After a tough upbringing in a foreign country and then a rushed migration and botched settlement period here in the UK, what emerged from my twenties was a young man scraping the bottom of the confidence barrel when it comes to relationships. I used to just assume I was shy, but there’s shy and then there’s “slipping-anonymous-notes-onto-someone’s-desk-with-cryptic-messages-that-only-subtly-hint-at-me” weirdo shy.
I baulk when I think of those times, now. I can confirm I grew out of the notes phase. Eventually, I was approached by an older woman online and we became lovers over a three-year period, but we lived in different cities and could only see each other every fortnight or so. It didn’t last beyond her justifiable ultimatum that I make an honest woman of her; I didn’t put her first in the moment of decision, and she rightly moved on.
My thirties were punctuated by declining health, focusing on a new career path and two encounters which broke me; I failed to perform sexually as a man in both situations (I had erectile dysfunction – ED – with two different women), and I can tell the ED has now “taken root”. I’m also on meds (in my forties), which work against what other men typically take to address ED, but I’m DESPERATE for any affection at this point.
At what point do I count myself as incapacitated in a sexual sense, and/or are there specialist dating services for persons like me? Please help.
Mr 15-Year Dry Spell :(
Dear Dry Spell,
First of all, I just want to reassure you that you are absolutely not alone with this. Erectile dysfunction (or “ED”, defined as the inability to maintain an erection during sexual activity) is really common, particularly as men get older. In fact, recent stats show that it affects half of men over 40 and also around 26 per cent of men under 40. That’s right: 50 per cent of men will go through what you’re going through now. I know it doesn’t help to know this “in the moment”, but you are not the only one.
Nevertheless, I can understand why you are so worried about it – erectile problems can cause immense distress in relationships and can impact your self-esteem – and it sounds like you took those two unfortunate encounters with the two women you mention to heart.
But please try not to panic and to imagine the worst. You are not “incapacitated”, and sex doesn’t have to mean penetration. There are a million different ways to pleasure a partner and you have the capacity to experience a deeply fulfilling erotic life, just like everybody else. I know you’ve asked me about specific dating sites for men with your condition, but I would actually do the opposite and go about meeting women in a more “regular” way. Why? Well, to put it simply – because you are not defined by what is happening to your penis. It isn’t the sum total of who you are. To paraphrase the great American poet Walt Whitman, you contain multitudes.
I want you to carry on trying to meet someone special in all the usual ways: by following your passions and hobbies, by expanding your social circle through sport or music or book clubs, by using dating apps such as Hinge or Bumble. If you meet a good person (and the right person) – someone who is kind and gentle and empathetic and open to communication – you’ll be able to work through these intimate challenges together. I don’t want you to obsess over what is happening to your body any longer than you need to, and I worry that focusing on a niche dating site runs that risk. It may even make you more self-conscious.
But that doesn’t mean your condition doesn’t warrant some further exploration with a medical professional. There are lots of possible causes and contributing factors, and while none of them is you being a “weirdo”, as you so heartbreakingly put it a little earlier in your letter, you might just need a little extra help.
The causes of ED will be familiar to pretty much all of us: from stress and relationship concerns, to alcohol, smoking, drugs... or simply having a run of late nights or being worried about your job, health, family, the future – even agonising over the climate, elections and the state of the world today.
I want you to bite the bullet and go and see your GP. In certain cases, ED can be linked to heart problems – the penis relies on blood flow from the heart, so if your heart isn’t pumping blood around your body properly, this could affect your erections. There are also other possibilities, such as diabetes: erectile dysfunction can be a symptom of diabetes, in some cases. It’s important to get any warning signs checked out, especially if you have a family history.
There are other potential causes, too: mental health conditions such as chronic stress can interrupt bodily functions, and you have mentioned you are taking medications (though you don’t say for what) – some can cause issues like this. It’s worth seeing a doctor to discuss if there might be any alternative treatments for you that could lessen these effects. And please be careful if you’re ever tempted to use black market Viagra – the latest warnings are sobering.
Obesity can be a contributing cause, too – men who are obese have three times greater risk of suffering from ED – and addiction issues such as drug and alcohol misuse can prompt it. Prostate cancer and prostate dysfunction can also affect erections.
And there is one other addiction that can also affect you: porn. TV expert Dr Hilary Jones says: “We are now seeing the influence of porn. For younger men, one of the reasons for this increase in ED is exposure to pornography over longer periods. A third of men are watching porn once a week, one in eight on most days, and in those aged 18-29, almost every day.
“The Kinsey Institute has introduced this new classification, pornography-induced ED, which is due to unrealistic expectations in the real world, and huge pressure on men to perform ‘normally’. Pornography is not real.”
My main message to you is: please, don’t carry on suffering in silence. Dr Jones says experiencing ED can exacerbate depressive symptoms: “There have been cases where men are tortured by their perceived failure to maintain erection, they feel emasculated. Some men find this very difficult to deal with or talk about.” But, he adds: “ED is eminently treatable – it is not something you need to suffer with in silence.”
There are numerous treatments available for your condition. Seek advice from your doctor. You can also conduct the handy Pfizer Erection Hardness Score test at home to see where you fall:
Grade One (Marshmallow): Penis is larger but not hard.
Grade Two (Peeled banana): Penis is hard but not hard enough for penetration.
Grade Three (Unpeeled banana): Penis is hard enough for penetration, but not completely hard.
Grade Four (Cucumber): Penis is completely hard and fully rigid.
Good luck.
Do you have a problem you would like to raise anonymously with Dear Vix? Issues with love, relationships, family and work? Email dearvix@independent.co.uk
‘I felt lighter than a cloud’: Readers on the rise of ‘walkaway wives’
Dear Vix: I’m a ‘Waspi’ woman – and I’m furious
Keir was here for Europe. His exit will make us look weak once again
Donald Trump’s China visit will make clear who runs the world
Rayner and not Miliband should be the left’s ‘Stop Wes’ candidate
