Name: Princess Margaret.
Age: Born 94 years ago, she died in 2002 at the age of 71.
Appearance: Lifestyle kween 4eva.
Is this the same Princess Margaret who tried gluing matchboxes to tumblers, to make it easier for her to smoke and drink at the same time? Yes! What an absolute diva.
I guess one person’s scrounger is another person’s diva. You’re just jealous. Margaret’s daily routine has just resurfaced and, if the response across social media is anything to go by, she lived the life we all secretly wanted.
Is that so? Listen, this is a woman who woke up at 9am, chain-smoked for two hours while she read the papers, then jumped into a bath run by a servant, where she stayed for an hour. At noon she would dress and go downstairs for a vodka.
This sounds like the schedule of someone who is depressed. No way! Lifestyle kween 4eva! Do you know what she did after that?
Carry on drinking to allay her chronic lack of purpose? No! She had a four-course lunch with the Queen Mother.
And? Oh fine, she drank half a bottle of wine while she ate it. What’s your point?
My point is that this is a terrible routine! Why are people fawning over it? Gregg Wallace.
Pardon? They are saying that Margaret’s life of decadent leisure is in stark contrast with the vigorously compartmentalised daily schedule that Gregg Wallace recently published, complete with 5am wake-up, 8pm bedtime and two hours alone playing Total War Saga: Thrones of Britannia.
At least he’s got a bit of drive. Margaret’s schedule sounds like a record of someone slowly trying to pickle herself to death. Isn’t that the dream? To be free of the tyranny of work, responsibilities, entire mornings and sobriety.
Maybe for a bit, but keeping it up habitually would ruin you. Maybe there’s just a fundamental problem with publishing your daily schedule. Maybe transparency means that you’re just offering yourself up to scrutiny and judgment on a level you don’t deserve. Look at all the stick Mark Wahlberg got in 2018 when he revealed that he woke up at 2:30am every day so he could work out for four and a half hours before the sun came up.
So you’re saying the format is bad, not the people? Yes, exactly. Although …
Yes? There is one daily schedule we can all still aspire to. Step forward Tom Hollander.
What does his day look like? According to something he wrote in 2020, it’s a slightly melancholic trudge that mainly involves staring at his phone, masturbating and observing his physical decline in a mirror.
Finally, relatability at last. Yes, take that Your Royal Highness.
Do say: “It isn’t aspirational to drink neat vodka at noon.”
Don’t say: “But, hey, if it’s good enough for her …”
