Video game characters are a fairly hedonistic bunch, honestly. Gluttons for food, money, treasures, power, and combat. You can’t even play a wholesome game like Animal Crossing without coming into close contact with one of the deadly sins, and that’s why, this year, a bunch of famous video game stars need a New Year’s Resolution.
Many of us resolve to change for the better when the New Year rolls around, and why should video game characters be any different? If we could sit down a group of our fave game stars and tell them that they need to make a change, we would pick the characters in this list, and give it to them straight – without hurting their feelings, of course.
These are the top ten video game characters that need to make a New Year’s Resolution, and what it should be.
Mario – stop sounding like Chris Pratt
Mario’s voice has finally broken, and it’s scaring everyone. His usual high-pitched whimsical cheers and yelps have been replaced by, well, I’m not sure what. Just a regular dude’s voice, I guess. The Super Mario Bros. Movie trailers make the film look amazing, but we’ve never heard Mario so unenthused to be racing down Rainbow Road. Come on Mazza, put a little bit of effort in.
Atreus – stop lying to your dad
It’s not okay to lie to your dad. It’s just not, you have no reason to do it, he’s just looking out for you. No, not even to push the plot along. That’s the worst idea, honestly.
Aloy – stop releasing near other games
Aloy, we love you, everyone loves you, but you’re a master of bad timing. Horizon Zero Dawn launched alongside The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, the latter being known as one of the greatest open world games of all time. This year, Horizon Forbidden West launched alongside Elden Ring, the latter being known as one of the great open world games of all time. Do you see what I mean?
Kirby – learn self-control
Kirby’s 3D platformer debut in Kirby and the Forgotten Land was a great, triple-A Nintendo title for the company’s cutest mascot, but it showed some troubling signs. Yes, Kirby has always had an appetite, but a car, Kirby? A vending machine? A full set of stairs? It’s a good thing you can’t swallow them because I don’t think any of those would digest well.
Inkling – no more disrespectful graffiti
Inklings should be sweet and innocent, yet I’ve seen the things they’ve been writing on the walls of the plaza. This is a peaceful shopping center where we buy things like shoes, shirts, skirts, and semi-automatic ink-based weaponry. This isn’t a place for smut, innuendo, or foul language. Be kind, and draw a picture of someone getting executed with ink or something.
Pikachu – take a year off
Pikachu and his pals have been dragged out for yearly releases for a while now, and 2022 saw the release of both Pokémon Legends: Arceus, and Pokémon Scarlet & Violet. That’s two mainline games in a year, one being a brave new take on the formula, the other a new open world generation. That’s a tall order, and both games were visually a bit disappointing, with a few performance issues that let players down. This time Game Freak should keep Pikachu and the crew on a tight leash until the next game is as polished as the most profitable media franchise in the world should be.
Sifu protag – don’t wish your life away
Revenge isn’t something worth living for, especially not if it’s the only thing you live for. Each time you fall in Sifu, you get up but with years taken off your lifespan. Before you know it, a single battle could take you straight to the end of your days, shrinking your overall health. But those years could be spent learning an instrument, picking up a hobby, or learning maximum damage combos in Tekken 7.
Samus – return
Help us Samus Aran, you’re our only hope. Samus has been lost in space for years now. Metroid Prime 4 was initially announced back in 2017, and development was rebooted in 2019. That’s a long time to be kept waiting, and honestly? We wouldn’t wait for our friends for this long. Samus, please girl, come through.
Chocobo – stop
Chocobo, get off the rollerskates, put down the battle pass, throw out the microtransactions, and just stop. No. Don’t come back until Final Fantasy XVI.
Geralt – don’t become the Dragonborn
Geralt, we’re going to have to give you the Dragonborn conversation soon. We’re now seeing yet another release of The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt, following on from it being launched on PS4, Xbox One, and PC, with a later Game of the Year edition that bundled DLC, and a Nintendo Switch version. Now we get PS5, Xbox Series, and another PC version of the game. Now, I’m not one to complain, the next-gen update is a great way to play The Witcher 3, but we don’t need to see updated and modernized versions of The Witcher 3 to release regularly, and we certainly don’t need a ten-year Anniversary Edition in 2025. I know I’m getting ahead of myself, but I want to make it clear now: please, don’t.
Written by Dave Aubrey on behalf of GLHF.
