“I don’t have a magical vagina that tells me what Doug’s mother wants for Christmas!” These heartfelt words of my friend Christy began my conversations with her and Doug, her partner. Meet Christy – growing up, Christmas was a very big deal in her family. Three generations crammed around the dining-room table with Christy’s father at the head, the omniscient Santa and chief turkey carver. Meet Doug – he grew up in a blended family of Jews and atheists, so Christmas was not valued in his household. Given their seemingly conflicting upbringings, how do you imagine Christy and Doug’s first holiday, post-pandemic, will unfold as they attempt to host parents and in-laws who are travelling in from opposite ends of the country while also juggling their two elementary school-age kids, and still both trying to work remotely until Christmas Eve? “Challenging,” is what I told them when they asked me for advice. “Unless,” I said, “you give yourselves the gift of structured decision-making.”
To Christy and Doug, I’m their outspoken friend from law school, but since our years at Harvard, I’ve interviewed thousands of people, including childless couples, working and stay-at-home parents, co-parents, blended families, and same-sex families, whose candid data became the basis for my book Fair Play – a time- and sanity-saving home management system that aims to create more equity and fairness within families and domestic partnerships. The 2019 statistics regarding inequity, which showed women performing two-thirds or more of the household tasks whether they worked outside the home or not, were the reason I wanted to tackle this issue. But recent analysis by the Brookings Institution shows that, since the book was published, the pandemic has widened the childcare gap in homes. Mothers with kids under 13 reported they spent eight hours a day on childcare while working six-hour days for their employers. Another study by the Pew Research Center found that mothers working remotely were more likely than fathers to say their parenting responsibilities interfered with their work, including promotions and the ability to raise their hand for important assignments. In homes without structured decision-making, women continue to shoulder the weight of the extra workload waiting for them underneath the mistletoe.
At this time of year, that gendered divide is more apparent (at least, to women) than ever. All the unpaid and often invisible holiday labour requires real time and effort from someone in your household. Rather than engaging in divisive tit-for-tat over who does what, or who does more, or suggesting that together you attempt to do it all, I recommend using structured decision-making with three easy steps.
First, experiment with values-based communication. Sit down with your partner over hot chocolate or a hot brandy, look over every task on your list, and ask yourselves: does performing these tasks hold value to us? Discuss why each one is or is not meaningful and important – in the past and the present. Depending on your lifestyle and beliefs, many tasks can come into play at this time of year.
Things like: gifts (what kind of gifts does your family value; experiences or the latest trinket?); groceries (which meals mean the most to your family?); storage, garage and seasonal items (will you be decorating every room of the house?); adult friendships (in one of the busiest seasons of the year, how will you give each other time to connect with friends?); parents and in-laws (what kind of relationships are your family able to have?); tidying up, organising and donating (how do you define tidying up; clearing the table, or a full refresh of the home?); hosting (will you hold a huge winter bash, or just have the parents and grandparents over in the holidays?); magical beings (which magical beings will be a part of your family’s story: Santa, Elf on the Shelf, Mensch on a Bench?) …
After identifying your values as a family, take a look at the tasks on your list. If something no longer holds value, can you throw it out? This step can be especially hard, with so many societal expectations on what “should” be done at this time of year. Decide together as a family how you are going to set your boundaries.
Once you have an honest discussion and determine what tasks and traditions are worth the effort within your home, define what it means to complete the task from start to finish and determine what tasks each person will do. You must get granular, or you run the risk of doubling up on efforts or unintentionally dropping the ball. As an example, preparing Christmas dinner means: delineating and assigning full ownership of the task (you can both provide input, but only one person takes the lead); setting clearly defined expectations and standards; establishing a measurement of accountability (for example, all grocery items must be bought and in the fridge two days before the event); and communicating regularly.
After I walked Christy and Doug through these steps, they realised that while they’re looking forward to hosting a full house this year, what they hold most meaningful and dear is spending time together as a small family of four, so once the house is empty, they plan to take a road trip before the new year where they can celebrate each other, separate and apart from extended family traditions and demands. Once you and yours begin playing for value and delineating responsibilities in the spirit of fairness, you, too, may discover a greater sense of ease and joy throughout the season, and that’s well worth celebrating.
Eve Rodsky is the author of Fair Play and Find Your Unicorn Space
