Armed with a microphone and a captive audience of thousands, tube drivers are known to try-out their best quips from time-to-time.
Every genre of humour is heard across the carriage Tannoys, from sarcastic and cheeky, all the way to the sardonic.
Whether a regular commuter on the London Underground or a tourist getting about the UK capital for a few days, it is likely most passengers have heard a one-liner in the past.
For any passengers that don’t have AirPods or the like jammed in their ears during their train journey, it can be better than any form of paid entertainment.
So here are some of the most hilarious tube driver and station announcer remarks that have been passed on from passenger-to-passenger over the years.
Doors-based comedy
- A Piccadilly line driver at Covent Garden station after the doors were obstructed:
“If anyone has problems using a door, please speak to a member of staff.
“If you have an issue using doors, can I suggest that tube travel is not for you?”
The same driver after the doors failed to close at the next station: “Seriously, doors have been around for a long time.”
- Another disgruntled driver: "Hurry up and let the doors close. I want my dinner” — (as first reported by Londonist ).
- "Please do not obstruct the closing doors. Specifically, please do not use your children as a wedge to hold the doors open."
- "The doors — those big red things. Board while they're open, not when they're closing.”
- "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
Safety-centric announcements
- "Please stay behind the yellow line. It is located near your feet, is yellow in colour and resembles — a line."
- Station supervisor at East Finchley on the Northern line: “Can the passenger on the southbound platform put out their cigarette please?”
Thirty-seconds later: “Yes, the man in the brown jacket, that was a message for you. You might have walked to the end of the platform, but I can still see you.”
- "I can assure the passenger in the second carriage that it is not raining in the train, please put your umbrella down"
- Northern line driver during the morning rush hour: "As you're getting on the train, please let me point out that some of you stand too close to the edge of the platform. A 28-tonne train versus your body? I know which of the two my money would be on."
- Station announcer: "Please let passengers off the train before boarding. It's not the storming of the Bastille, you know."
- Fellow station guard: "Please stand behind the yellow line. We want you inside the train, not under it.”
- A Victoria line platform announcer at Oxford Circus, frustrated that passengers were not listening to him: “It's almost like being at home, working this platform. She ignores me there, and you lot ignore me down here.”
Station-related jokes
- Piccadilly line driver: "Turn ‘em red, turn ‘em yellow, turn ‘em any colour you want. But this is Turnham Green."
- Central line driver: "Welcome to St Paul's, where you pay £12 for an audience with God." (In 2022, the entry fee to the cathedral is now £18)
- Jubilee line driver: "Wake up! You'll end up in Stanmore and there's nothing there."
- A fellow Jubilee driver: "For those of you alighting here at Willesden Junction, welcome back to paradise."
- Northern line driver: “This is Leicester Square. Change here for getting drunk and the Piccadilly line."
The sharp-wits
- District line driver: "There's a dog on the line ahead. They've sent a manager to rescue it. That's not going to help.”
Ten minutes later: “The dog is now at Plaistow — so it's making better time than us."
- "This train is early and is now being delayed so that it is late. I don't understand this either.”
- Docklands Light Railway (DLR) driver: “If you are consuming hot food on the train, please make sure you have enough for everyone.”
- “Ladies and gentlemen, we have to wait here for a moment as there is a red light ahead of us and my boss doesn't like it when I go through them."
- "This is the Line Control Room at Baker Street. The Bakerloo line is running normally today, so you may expect delays to all destinations" — as spotted on Quora.
