Since the beginning of the trial between E Jean Carroll and Donald Trump, I have been seriously triggered. I am not alone. I am hearing from women all across America and the world. Sleepless nights, unbearable anxiety, shortness of breath, unexplained rage, depression. Survivors have a kind of collective nervous system, a central body where our stories and trauma live in a timeless and interwoven continuum. When one of us goes on public trial, it is all of us on trial, our histories charged, our past memories made frighteningly present. We are what I would call “sister-triggered”.
Triggers are cues that signal potential threats around us. As survivors, we are constantly on alert as we swim in these volatile misogynist waters, knowing a wave can come any minute to swallow us whole, or at the very least remind us that although we may have one-off victories we are still swimming in their rigged and violent sea. And this is particularly true each time a sister survivor bravely goes on trial, willingly stands up and publicly tells the truth, sheds her anonymity for the greater good, faces an onslaught of hate, and inevitably has her privacy, being and body reinvaded.
E Jean Carroll’s case against Donald Trump was a true victory, led by a brave, graceful, brilliant survivor of integrity and eloquence, tirelessly fought for by dedicated advocates and lawyers. Before we had time to celebrate, the triggers began.
Trump’s lawyer, Joe Tacopina, proudly bragging that it was a rape trial case and the jury rejected it. Trump was not branded as a rapist. Triggered because even now in 2023 we still have to settle for sexual abuse or battery or whatever names have been devised by patriarchal institutions to make what is soul-destroying seem not so bad or at the least, not what it is. Donald Trump stuck his fingers and penis inside E Jean Carroll against her will and both are rape.
Corey Rayburn Yung, a law professor, says: “the word rape carries extra connotations in our culture, and the jurors might have been gun-shy about applying it regardless of the specific standard there. So there’s a lot of stigma in many directions around the word rape and perhaps this jury, pragmatically recognizing that, agreed that Trump’s responsible, agreed on the dollar amount, but they didn’t want to force the issue on the word rape.”
Triggered by all the ways we obfuscate and muddle and distance and normalize what really happens to women’s bodies when they are grabbed, invaded, penetrated or defiled. And how this makes survivors feel unspeakable insanity, sorrow and rage.
Triggered that laws created by men have never served women or sexual abuse, have never reckoned with or been determined by the nature of rape and what it does to a woman’s mind and memory, or the language she speaks in describing it. See Prima Facie now playing on Broadway.
Triggered that CNN didn’t think a minute about what it would mean to E Jean Carroll or the millions of survivors to see a predator given such a platform the day after we finally had a rare victory, and then be forced to watch as Trump instigated his audience to mock and belittle E Jean Carroll the day after he was charged with defamation. Perhaps CNN is not aware that one out of three women in the world have experienced what E Jean Carroll has experienced and this was insulting, irresponsible and outrageous.
Triggered that a predator was offered a platform to address millions of people when his accuser who won her trial against him only had a small courtroom to plead her case.
Triggered that Trump, just like so many powerful rapists and predators, continues to gaslight his victims, refuses to admit or seemingly understand what sexual abuse and rape is or what it does to its victims.
Triggered that the audience at CNN was laughing with Trump as he made fun of E Jean Carroll which triggered memories of men and women cheering and laughing with Trump as he mocked Christine Blasey Ford in the Kavanaugh hearings. Which triggered more rage thinking that our supreme court includes justices accused of sexual abuse and those appointed by one.
Triggered that afterwards at the CNN town hall with Republican voters in New Hampshire, when Gary Tuchman asked a voter, Karen Olson, how she felt about Trump being found liable for sexual abuse by a jury of his peers. She said: “I didn’t really care ... All of these situations where people are coming out 20, 30 years later, I don’t listen to it.” This must have triggered thousands of women who weren’t believed by their own mothers, or teachers or employers.
Triggered because the lack of accountability, the platforming of a known self-admitted and now charged predator, white supremacist, treasonous, twice-impeached president was more important for ratings and money than protecting women, Black people and democracy which triggered a deja vu of being back in 2016 when the media essentially gave Donald Trump an estimated $5bn in free media (more than any other Republican or Democratic candidate combined) which was what inevitably gave him the presidency.
I recently was exposed to a new term, “glimmering”, which was coined by Deb Dana, a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in complex trauma. “‘Glimmers’ refers to small moments when our biology is in a place of connection or regulation, which cues our nervous system to feel safe or calm.” Glimmers are the opposite of triggers.
One woman standing up, speaking the truth glimmers the brave in each of us. She opens the space for another world where women might do more than dream of being safe and free.
Glimmering happens when you call rape rape. When you speak the language that matches the crime. It happens when you put rapists on trial and not their victims, when you silence predators and exile them rather than giving them mega-media platforms.
Our greatest glimmering will be making sure we never elect a charged predator to be our president again.
Let the glimmering begin.
V (formerly Eve Ensler) is a playwright and author, most recently, of Reckoning (Bloomsbury)
Information and support for anyone affected by rape or sexual abuse issues is available from the following organisations. In the US, Rainn offers support on 800-656-4673. In the UK, Rape Crisis offers support on 0808 500 2222. In Australia, support is available at 1800Respect (1800 737 732). Other international helplines can be found at ibiblio.org/rcip/internl.html
