THE KITS AREN’T ALRIGHT
Football Daily hacks are accustomed to having a gun put to their heads and being forced to write drivel about the latest issues in football, so we know it is not an enjoyable experience but we still manage to take joy in the pain copywriters must be in when winding their prose about new football kits.
“This marked the start of a new era for the club, defined by new records, new legends, and moments of greatness,” someone at Puma blurted about Manchester City’s overpriced blue nylon. “The 2023-24 home kit is a testament to this legacy, celebrating the Etihad Stadium and all those who call it home.” Then they have the gall to explain it is based on a 20-year-old kit, which you bought for a more reasonable price when you were actually young and could fit into an L.
City faced some stiff competition for nonsense from Anfield, with their new garment (still red, like last year). Needless to say, it has an obligatory “nod to the past” as it looks similar to the shirt they had in the 70s, because it is red. There’s not that much you can do with it when having to come up with a new money-spinner every 12 months. Thankfully, a video was made to show what red looks like. “The players are relaxed and playful, portraying the soulful ‘70s feel with the sound provided by local musician Pixey with her ‘70s-inspired track, Just Move,” parped the press release. Good not to get too angsty when convincing people to part with £75 for a new shirt.
Brentford, meanwhile, have stuck with red and white stripes that blend “tradition with a bold modern style”, but with a shocking twist: “There is a stronger presence of black in this year’s jersey, creating a bold Brentford look.” That sentence means nothing. We like to think they have learned from the best on that front. Thankfully, the Bees will be keeping this ensemble for two seasons, so we will be spared Umbro’s word vomit next summer. Elsewhere in west London, Fulham are all about football heritage: “Whilst resolutely forward-looking as a club since 1879, heritage is still proudly recognised within the shirt’s design.” Those mismatched Adidas stripes were proudly worn in the 1883-84 season, we remember it well.
Then there’s Aston Villa, who are putting fans into the fabric of each kit before charging them a hefty fee to own one. Their new kit “depicts a subtle print of soundwaves taken from fans singing on a matchday” – and then plasters the name of a betting firm over it, leaving said fans a bit miffed. At the height of summer, we are of course grateful for this nonsense, but we’ve read enough traditional-yet-modern PR guff for one year. Perhaps Football Daily should give it a try, serving up vintage Hugh McIlvanney blended with FaceTok slang. On second thoughts, perhaps not.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I could say playing Flint away is not very appealing but when you get [Big Cup] football at the end of the season, it was definitely a big factor in me joining” – Adrian Cieslewicz on why he is happy to play under the radar at The New Saints, the club aiming to become the Welsh Premier League’s first to reach a group stage in Europe.
FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS
“Regarding your amazingly unlikely lead on Tuesday (see, I’m treating you like a real newspaper here), may I be the first of 1,057 pedants to point out that the Ring of Fire is in fact the entire rim of the Pacific. It is so named because the entire Pacific Rim is a series of volcanoes and active tectonic plates. Lesson finished” – Rhys Mathias (New Zealand, in the Ring of Fire).
“I hate myself for doing this. I really do. But … ‘due to it being the world’s most seismically and volcanically active. Yes, Football Daily does geographical facts these days.’ It would actually be a geological fact. I’m giving myself the time it takes Newcastle to take a goal kick when leading to think hard before sending this” – Antony Train (and no other geologists/geographers).
“Much is being made of the fee to be paid by Arsenal for Declan Rice. But we have been here before. In 1971 Arsenal paid a then-record fee to take Alan Ball from Everton, for the princely sum of £220,000. And five years later the club paid the somewhat improbable new record fee of £333,333 and 34p, to prise Malcolm ‘Super Mac’ Macdonald from Newcastle. A full 17 years before Fabrizio Romano entered the world. A case of ‘There we went’?” – James Furse.
“With Ange Postecoglou likely to get a few more mentions in the next little while, mightn’t it be time to rest the wearisome ‘flamin’ descriptor you perennially attach to anything Aussie? I’d reckon about 0.001% of us use that these days” – Phil Hawkins (and no other fl … flippin’ Australians).
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … James Furse.
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