Aha, Jacob Steinberg’s match report is with us.
Consequently, that’s it from me. Thanks for your company and all your emails, sorry I couldn’t use them all. Have a good night; peace out.
“Arsenal come to West Ham early May,” says Ian Sargeant. “Imagine if they need a point for the title and we need a point to send Spurs down. It’ll either be a 0-0 to match Germany v Austria in 1982 or 3-3 with Declan Rice scoring a 25-yard own goal to level it with the last kick.”
It’s absolutely outrageous how good this season can get for Arsenal and how bad for Spurs. If Arsenal win the two big pots, simple relegation will feel like a birthday present.
“We are witnessing an extinction event,” laments Daniel Wilson. “This is a hollowed-out husk of a club run by clueless execs, sporting directors and owned by nepo babies who have overseen the worst squad building in our history, yet who is accountable?”
I read the other day that Spurs’ leaders now think wages spend is more significant than transfer spend. Imagine running a whole-arse Premier League football club and not being fully aware of that.
The league table:
FULL TIME: Tottenham Hotspur 1-3 Crystal Palace
Yet another disaster for Spurs, who lose the game and Van de Ven; their Premier League status might follow. Palace, on the other hand, are surely safe now, running into form just in time for the Conference knockouts.
Updated
90+5 min More farkrimpter ponim … which I then realise belong to Dejan Kulusevski and Lucas Bergvall. Imagine their fury and what’s being done to their professional life while they’re hurt.
90+2 min Gray again carries the fight, driving forward and squaring for Simons, who takes a stride then Clyne fouls him. He takes the free-kick himself, sweeping directly back to Clyne. That is so careless.
90+1 min "“I can’t imagine this Spurs team would have the grit to get promoted at first asking,” muses Richard Winchell. “They’d have to recruit a mostly new squad, and find a good manager. This could get really really ugly for them if they go down."
My guess is they’d keep enough to return – really, who’s buying on these contracts – but where do they find a manager?
90 min We’ll have five additional minutes; Spurs are still in this.
89 min Minor aggro in the box, Canvot gently elbowing Simons’ sternum to get him off; the ref talks to both, then Canvot is up at the front post, Vicario flapping into his face and behind.
88 min Sarr, seeking a hat-trick, oozes down the right and crosses to the back post to meet Mitchell’s arrival … but Sarr does well to leap into the challenge, kicking behind.
87 min Oh and please forgive me: in al the wiring excitement, I forgot to advise that Palace removed Wharton and Larson for Uche and Hughes.
86 min Spurs win a free-kick just outside the D, dead centre. Simons fancies it, then blooters directly into the wall, looking to go underneath it. Eventually, the ball goes into touch, Danso slings in a long throw, and Palace clear.
83 min “It’s not all bad news for Spurs today,” gallowshumours Nick Smith. “They’ve expanded the number of teams that can get into the playoffs next season so they’ve an outside chance of returning first time.”
Arf. And what a lot of nonsense that is – football existing to make money, not making money because it exists. Sadly, the official body clearly doesn’t grasp the difference between sport and entertainment.
81 min Finally, we’re allowed to have some football, Sarr bursting forward and delivering a pass that, for a moment looks like it’s arriving into Simons’ stride. But Clyne comes over to hump away, then Bissoma is booked for complaining about a foul given against Danso.
80 min We wait, and fans leave. The beautiful game.
Updated
78 min The ref disappears down the tunnel; I don’t think he’s a Spurs fan. In the meantime, Palace ready Will Hughes, and it turns out there’s a problem with the ear piece and what have you. This also happened when Spurs played Arsenal; in N17, even the radio waves are failing. But here’s a revolutionary idea: football was fine for well over a century without this nonsense and no one cares about it, so why not just do without?
76 min “Thoughts on Spurs,” begins Finn Curry. “This is what years of arrogant, presumptive ownership looks like. The assumption we’ll always be top five and a total lack of awareness of how things move and evolve in the Premier League. Throw in plenty of mercenary managers and players, who don’t give a [redacted] about the club and only see a quick buck an/or a stepping stone for something better and it’s no wonder the fans have given up. We’ve been served [redacted] for years by people on and off the pitch who take us for granted. Quite honestly we deserve to go down now. We’ll be a meme and the laughing stock of course, but other clubs would do well to learn from what they are seeing. Ideal scenario now would be a year in the Championship with the kids playing and the idiot senior players who can’t perform being forced to train in the reserves.”
Even successful clubs treat fans poorly, but of course it’s worse when the football is as bad as it is.
74 min Porro rants his way off, sharing sentiments with all in his way before hurling a water bottle into the ground; that’ll teach it.
Updated
74 min Two more changes for Spurs, Solanke off for Richarlison and significantly less than gruntled Porro giving way to Simons.
72 min Wharton snaps a cross into the box and Strand Larsen gets there before Danso; they sort of kick each other, and I don’t think that’s a penalty; the ref gives Spurs a free-kick.
71 min Mitchell carries forward and punches into Strand Larsen, who has Danso pinned, turning him too easily, right of centre, and bending a low left-footer just past the far post. He’s growing nicely into his new team and is, for mine, a decent upgrade on Mateta, one of the worst one-on-one finishers I’ve ever seen.
Updated
70 min The oles come out as Palace retain possession with 20 minutes-odd still to play. Spurs’ next five fixtures: Atletico away, Liverpool away, Atletico home, Forest home, Sunderland away. Don’t laugh.
68 min Better from Spurs, Tel taking a quick throw to find Solanke, who dashes into the box between Mitchell and Richards, shooting low … but Henderson makes a decent save with his foot. “Weight always forward,” explains Joe Hart, who’s growing into a really insightful co-commentator.
67 min Change for Palace, Spurs’ Bilbao hero Johnson replacing Guessand.
Updated
67 min Guessand carries forward and, in space, has three men up with him. But, desperate to find the killer ball, he hangs on too long before finding Sarr down the right, and the cross is predictably blocked.
65 min Gray is the player trying to lift it; he’s 19, which speaks volumes about the rest. I’m looking forward to seeing how he develops when allowed to play in his position every week.
64 min “Igor Tudor will be fine,” reckons Kári Tulinius, “nothing that happens across the next couple of months will define his life or career, but I can’t help but feel for him when his best defender panics, concedes a penalty and gets himself sent off. Tudor puts me in mind of a medieval king, looking at an approaching army from his ramparts, only to notice that someone’s jammed his foot into the winch that raises the drawbridge.”
I’m wondering if he’ll resign.
62 min But here’s Gallagher now, fed down the right by Porro and looking to work a crossing lane, instead whamming into shins and taking the corner … which comes to nowt.
Updated
61 min A ball over the top and into the channel, Clyne charging on to it and past Tel, now a left wing-back. From a tight angle, he tries a shot that, for a second, looks like it might float into the far side-netting, but it doesn’t.
59 min Spurs had a little flurry immediately after half-time, but now Palace are knocking it about under nae pressure. You’d think someone would want to charge about to get things going – isn’t that Connor Gallagher’s thing? So far, though, we’ve barely seen him.
58 min “At this point,” says Peter McLeod, “all that’s left is for us to wonder how we will make our situation even more humiliating. It’s extraordinary, in fact, knowing that it will happen, but not knowing how.”
The Germans have a word for this, but I can’t publish it in a family newspaper.
56 min Here comes Gray again, lovely feet twinkling into the box; Riad does just enough, nudging him off balance, and though he bounces up after falling, Richards tidies up and clears.
56 min Gray has been a bright spot for Spurs and he beats Clyne down the right, crossing, then, when the ball won’t come down for Tel, he slides to the edge where Palhinha shoots wide.
Updated
53 min Palace have taken over, but need to be wary that, if they concede, things might change. Newcastle gave a brilliant demonstration of how to play with 10 last evening, brave enough to keep two up and with a narrow three able to dominate midfield. Spurs, I think, are playing 5-3-1.
51 min Now it’s Palace with the ball, winning a corner which they waste. It’s been a difficult season for them, but there’s no reason they can’t finish it as Conference League winners and they seem to be running into form at the right time.
49 min “Many Spurs fans, up until fairly recently, would have staunchly defended Van de Ven and Romero as being one of the best defensive pairings in the league,” returns Alexandra Ashton. “Both of them have let us down at absolutely critical moments. Both have attitude problems and are not as good as they think. I am so disappointed with Micky. If Real Madrid came in with 80m for him, I would bite their hand off”.”
Romero reminds me of what Shane Warne said of Monty Panesar: “He hasn’t played 33 Tests, he’s played one Test 33 time.” Just when you think he’s cut out the self-indulgent ill discipline, he does it again. Van de Ven I think might develop in a more nurturing environment, but what he did tonight was a total headloss.
Updated
47 min Tel takes the corner from the other side, it’s a poor effort … but one Henderson feels he has to tip over. Back goes Tel to the right and this time Palhinha wins the header, but guides his effort into Riad. There are calls for a penalty, but he couldn’t get out of the road. Spurs have started the half well.
46 min Tel picks out Danso at the far post, he’s goi a run on to a free header, and punishes it straight at Henderson who punches away and Richards heads behimd.
46 min Presumably unable to stand the sight of them, Tudor sends his players out early. Off we go again, Spurs winning an immediate corner.
As you might imagine, my inbox has never been fuller. I’ll try and do as many as I can, starting with Andy Flintoff:
“That penalty was on Van de Ven and no one else. He was totally ballwatching as it went over him towards Strand Larsen, letting Sarr run past him for the knockdown. His options then were to let him run through and probably score, or pull him back and potentially give Vicario more of a chance of saving the resulting penalty. It’s the sort of individual mistake that teams with low confidence make.”
Agree, it was a panic. I can’t make my mind up on Van de Ven: does he have the raw materials to develop into a high-level defender, or is he just another technical, physical modern-day defender who lacks the cruelty necessary to dominate.
Half-time email: “You’re right Daniel,” says David Hindle. “Paul Scholes also had the interesting tackling style and all the red cards...”
Er, I was asking not telling, but Scholes got four red cards in the league across his career; Wharton has one. Also, Scholes gave you goals and long passing off both feet; I’d love for Wharton to develop that.
Half-time watching:
Half-time reading:
HALF-TIME: Tottenham Hotspur 1-3 Crystal Palace
This could get messy and, given the state of things as it, that is quite something.
45+8 min A fair few home fans have seen enough. Whatever the opposite of vibes are, Spurs are that.
Updated
GOAL! Tottenham Hotspur 1-3 Crystal Palace (Sarr 45+7)
Chadi into Wharton, who takes it beautifully on the half-turn, Modric-style, before lofting a gorgeous diagonalpass directly into Sarr’s path, bursting into the box as Vicario comes out, making the finish, slipped down the side of him, much easier than it needed to be. This is a horror movie.
Updated
45+5 min Palace win another throw deep inside the Spurs half, cleared easily enough, as the telly cameras take in various genres of disgruntled locals; what, in Yiddish, we call farkrimpter ponim, twisted face. It’s more entertaining than the game.
45+3 min “What was that you were saying about Wharton?” wonder Joe Pearson”.
Exactly that! He has lovely vision and execution of forward passes, but to be elite he needs more. I was asking if he has it, because I’ve not really seen it and I’d love to.
GOAL! Tottenham Hotspur 1-2 Crystal Palace (Strand Larsen 45+1)
Eeeesh. Tel plays Sarr into trouble with a square pass from touchline to centre, just outside the box. Even so, though, it’s a really wimpish challenge, Guessand in faster and stronger to find Wharton back on the right. He caresses a trademark pass in behind to meet the run of Strand Larsen, who tucks a finish under Vicario. What else can go wrong for Spurs?
Updated
45+1 min We’ll have eight additional minutes.
44 min I guess Palhinha has gone into the back three, with Gallagher replacing him in midfield and Solanke up front alone.
43 min Ch ch changes for Spurs: off go Souza and Kolo Muani; on come Gallagher and Bissouma.
42 min That penalty is a window into Spurs’ soul, a complete panic from Van de Ven. If he does nothing, there’s a decent chance Sarr scores – in fairness, more so than with Matheus Cunha at the weekend – but the penalty gave an even better one, and with it, 50 minutes of 10 men.
GOAL! Tottenham Hotspur 1-1 Crystal Palace (Sarr pen 40)
With Mateta absent, Sarr takes responsibility, staring out the keeper then looking right and, when Vicario moves thataway, passing left. Palace heal following Maxence Lacroix’s dismissal at the weekend, and of course Dr Tottenham is their trusty physician.
Updated
37 min PENALTY TO PALACE AND A RED CARD FOR VAN DE VEN
Pure, uncut Tottenham. Strand Larsen easily muscles Danso away from under the ball, heads down and Sarr controls on his thigh, taking him into the box. So Van de Ven panics, pulling him back, and I’ve not a clue about what he is protesting. Saturday-Tuesday-Saturday beckons.
Updated
GOAL! Tottenham Hotspur 1-0 Crystal Palace (Solanke 35)
Tel receives the corner shot and whams a cross beyond the back post. Gray, though, does brilliantly to head up in the air then, back to goal, battles superbly to hold off Richards before showing lovely feet to get away, dribbling along the by-line and crossing low, for Solanke to flick home adroitly.
Updated
33 min Now Spurs fly forward, Tael shooting and, when his shot is deflected behind, he noises up the crowd.
NO GOAL! Tottenham Hotspur 0-0 Crystal Palace
Sarr was offside. Let-off for Spurs!
Updated
31 min Sarr barely celebrated, presumably thinking himself offside, and VAR is checking, but I think the square pass went backwards.
Updated
GOAL! Tottenham Hotspur 0-1 Crystal Palace (Sarr 30)
“It’s one of those” that looks offside but isn’t. A ball into Strand Larsen who holds up, wearing the defender on his back then, on the half-turn, he finds Guessand down the right. Still 30 yards from goal, he squares for Sarr, who looks level with Van de Ven, carrying into the box on the diag before sending a shot back the other way … which loops off Porro and flies into the far side-netting! Huge goal!
Updated
29 min I’ve seen better games of kalooki.
29 min I’ve seen better games of football.
27 min I’ve got a question about Adam Wharton: like everyone else, I love the punched passes through lines, but I’m beginning to wonder if he’s excellent at anything else and, if not, if that’s enough for him to develop into an elite player. I want more and better ball-carrying, along with big switches and third-man runs.
Updated
25 min Clyne catches Souza late and Sarr grouses, waving an imaginary card; he’s booked.
24 min Spurs are emerging into the game, passing the ball with a bit more pace and conviction – but without threatening.
22 min The free-kick goes down the line to Souza, whose cross isn’t bad but is headed away. Spurs go again, though, Palhinha playing into the box and Richards sliding in to intercept before one of his mates completes the clearance.
21 min Van de Ven carries forward and Strand Larsen isn’t taking any chances, knocking him over at cost of a yellow card.
20 min “Not long ago, a bad season for Spurs was finishing below 5th,” notes James Maslen.
I wonder if Daniel Levy still thinks that, after waiting two generations to get a good manager, sacking Mauricio Pochettino was the right move.
19 min Again, Palace can’t make much of a set-piece, Richards eventually miskicking and fouling Van de Ven.
18 min This time, the ball in is better, Gray knocking it behind for a corner. Palace are well on top here, without creating much.
17 min Guessand wins a free-kick off Porro, given a ball he didn’t want by Vicario, so Wharton will send in an outswinger … which Spurs clear, then again when the ball comes back. Problem being Kolo Muani then runs it in trouble, fouling Strand Larsen.
15 min Souza takes it short, takes the ball back and floats a cross into the middle for Solanke, but Canvot clears. Tel, though, picks up the loose ball, nipping between Clyne and Wharton to open a shooting lane, only to send his low effort too close to Vicario.
14 min Spurs win a corner; Clyne replaces Munoz.
Updated
11 min Munoz is back on but he’s suffering; his arm is hanging limply as he runs, not thrusting. I’d not be surprised if he goes off but, in the meantime, Palace win another throw, the ball cleared to the edge where Munoz shoots and immediately grimaces. Sarr blocks the shot, then Kamada eventually shoots straight at Vicario.
10 min Munoz is up and Wharton will swing the free-kick in, mishitting low filth that Sarr clears into touch. So Richards will fling in again, Palhinha heading away.
8 min Ouch, Munoz landed on his shoulder and needs treatment.
7 min Spurs are sitting off Palace as they build, jogging about with no pressure on the ball. That’s allowing the visitors into the game and they easily get out, Guessand feeding Munoz out wide. His first touch takes him away from Souza, who piles through him and is booked. The youth of today, no respect.
Updated
5 min “I think this is the last chance saloon for our players and our team,” emails Alexandra Ashton. “This is essentially the strongest possible XI we can field (aside from Richarlison, who is a powerful supersub), with players in their actual positions, Tel, Kolo Muani, and Solanke all playing. If the players put forward another limp performance, they clearly deserve to go down, as they won’t play for anyone. A single point would lift us, a win would ease fears somewhat, but a loss would be our death knell.”
I think the difference between staying up and hoping others are worse is whether Solanke can get scoring. Without that, it’s hard to see where goals are coming from – and I can’t say I’ve much faith. Solanke isn’t a bad player, but at 28 he’s had one really good season at elite level.
4 min Wharton flicks a pass right, his studs landing on Tel’s metatarsus. The game is stopped, but is soon back under way.
2 min Spurs are playing thee at the back, the centre-backs Van de Ven, Danso and Porro, with Gray and Souza at wing-back.
1 min For now, at least, the home fans are behind their team, but Palace win a throw well inside the Spurs half. Richards launches it long and it bumps off two heads before falling to Wharton, who laces it at goal … straight at Vicario, who punches to safety.
1 min Away we go!
Public service announcement: these are the best tunes in Ibiza, by far. Be sure I’ve spent much time researching this.
Our teams are ready to emerge. Imagine the excitement of the Tunnel Club lads as Kevin Danso puts one foot in front of the other; amazing stuff.
I do like an unexpected double consonant in a surname; Buchholz is the Sangakkara of the MBM.
“As an Arsenal fan,” says Jeff Buchholz, “I’m counting Tottenham’s relegation as a trophy (even though we have no further control of it). So if, fingers crossed, Arsenal win the league and Spurs are relegated, I’ll regard that as having done a double; a treble if we add one of the League Cup, FA Cup, or Champions League. The quintuple is on!”
If Arsène is to be believed, top four is also a trophy, so we’re actually talking about a sextuple.
“If Tottenham do get relegated,” fantasises Declan sorry, Daniel Rice, “do Arsenal fans celebrate next season’s St Totteringham’s day this season?”
“This relegation thing seems to me a bit more nuanced than you suggest,” writers Richard Hirst. “I would be as delighted as the next person to see one of the ‘Big Six’ (does that still apply?) go down, but the owners of Forest and West Ham are not exactly the type to inspire love and affection, so relegation for either or both would be no bad thing. And of course we would all (or almost all) rather see Man Utd go down (sorry) along with Everton, thus ridding the Premier League of the last Fergie acolyte. Anyway, as long as Fulham aren’t involved who really cares?”
I said it! That feelgood fairtytale bit was my attempt at a little joke.
Glasner speaks, saying Guessand has been contributing goals and assist, but isn’t used to so many games so was given a rest. He doesn’t like to change his back three but the same trio played against Wolves and kept a clean sheet; Richards will take the central role and lead the younger men on his outside.
On Spurs, he says every team can win everywhere, so his team are focusing on themselves.
Palace, meanwhile, will look to play off Strand Larsen, with Sarr and Guessand asked to run at defenders, width supplied by the excellent wing-back pairing off Munoz and Mitchell. I quite fancy those two to cause problems, especially if, behind them, Wharton and Kamada are at it with their passing.
So where is the game? I imagine Spurs are playing 4-3-3 – if they are – partly to get down the sides of Palace’s outside centre-backs and in behind their wing-backs. For what it’s worth, 4-4-2 is also a decent antidote to three at the back. Otherwise, they’ll want to serve Solanke cut-backs and low crosses to the front post, with Kolo Muani asked to clear space for him, by carrying the ball, bumping defenders out of the way or both.
I guess Man City 1995-96 is one, going down with a draw against Liverpool after wasting time thinking they were safe, while United won the double. And United, by the way, are in with a good shout of worst day ever, losing the league at Anfield, to Leeds, having not won it in 25 years – Liverpool had done so 11 times in the period – with Ian Rush, who’d never previously bagged against them, scoring.
The A problem Spurs have is the teams below them are decent and playing pretty well. I just can’t see a team with a midfield of Anderson, Sangaré and Gibbs-White going down, while West Ham have a good attackers in form – they’ve scored 11 more league goals than the other two. Imagine if they send Spurs sown and Arsenal win the title, perhaps one or two other bits as well; this could be one of the great nightmare seasons (feel free to suggest contenders).
“Consensual doesn’t mean it’s not adversarial,” returns James Humphries. “That’s the key difference between a boxing match and an assault charge, no?
... Honestly, I dunno what my end goal here is. Much like spurs in that respect, I guess.”
But politics isn’t consensual either. Obviously the framework is, but as an endeavour, it is not.
Email! “As a Motherwell fan I have some sympathy with the idea of trying to force teams to play football rather than just kick the opponent into the air (mind you, as an agricultural centre-back I am opposed to it, there’s yer paradox),” begins James Humphries. “But, like: of course football is consensual? It’s a whole bunch of people who, at least notionally, have agreed to be at place x, time y, under rules z.
If someone’s not consenting to playing football, then either they’re being forced to take part in a generally consensual institution (see also: standard views of the democratic state), or they’re just in a spectacularly weird thought-experiment with a bunch of people who are playing football!
(Can you tell what I used to do for work?)”
Bracketeer? But otherwise, politics, say, is consensual according to your tenets, yet it’s also adversarial, so.
Palace make two changes to the side which lost to Manchester United at the weekend, one enforced – Chadi Riad for the suspended Maxence Lacroix – with Evann Guessand in for Brennan Johnson. Jefferson Lerma, out injured for nearly a month, is back on the bench.
Igor Tudor makes his third formation change in three games, presumably pursuing the pretence that one exists which won’t make his team look dreadful; from 4-4-2 at Fulham, it’s now 4-3-3. Good luck, old mate.
Otherwise, Radu Dragusin is left out of the squad altogether – goodness me, imagine how badly you’ve got to play to accomplish that – with Yves Bissouma, Xavi Simons and Conor Gallagher relegated to the bench. Coming in are Souza, Kevin Danso, Pape Matar Sarr and Mathys Tel.
Teams!
Tottenham Hotspur (4-3-3): Vicario; Porro, Danso, Van de Ven, Souza; Palhinha, Sarr, Gray; Kolo Muani, Solanke, Tel. Subs: Kinsky, Austin, Simons, Bissouma, Richarlison, Gallagher, Olusesi, Kyerematen, Rowswell.
Crystal Palace (3-4-2-1): Henderson; Canvot, Richards, Riad; Munoz, Wharton, Kamada, Mitchell; Sarr, Guessand; Strand Larsen. Subs: Benitez, Lerma, Pino, Johnson, Uche, Clyne Hughes, Sosa, Devenny.
Referee: Andy Madley (Huddersfield)
Preamble
Football is not a consensual pursuit … cue someone saying yes it is. But him – of course it’s a him – aside, we can surely all agree that we never agree, and not just to force a second most ingenious paradox into an already exceedingly self-conscious paragraph.
However! There is surely not a single individual who doesn’t support Spurs who doesn’t also want them to go down; on that, the entirety of the footballing community is in concurrence.
Usually, footballing antipathy is extremely specific, and obviously there’s the Tottenham Way thing, the first floatation thing, Alan Sugar, and so on. Except feelings would be similar were it any of the other rich clubs in danger: in an era dominated by money, it failing to such unprecedented degree would be astonishing, not spursy but spursiest.
Actually, strike that: going down and losing the Champions League final to a last-minute own goal having led 6-0 at half-time would be spursiest, but you get the point.
Things that seem too good to be true usually are, teaches the truism. But at this stage, with Spurs just a point ahead of Nottingham Forest and West Ham – what a feelgood fairytale it’ll be if one of those stays up – having not won in the league since the end of December, it’s pretty much the only reason to think they’ll survive. Just consider how much Igor Tudor, in situ not even three weeks, despises them already – with good reason.
As for the visitors, Palace were in danger themselves not that long ago, but now they’re safe and still in Europe, they might be the team Spurs would pick to face this evening. Win, and the mood’ll brighten; fail so to do, and consensus might start feeling like prescience.
Kick-off: 8pm GMT
